Sufferer Trying to understand isolating

[Jaded Kitty]

I'm here looking for information on isolating. I'd never done it to anyone before the guy I was talking to online. I first met him in the early 2000s in a MSN chatroom. Never met in person then and still haven't. Came back into my life over the Summer. It's so confusing.

Due to a lot of mental stuff with my Mom he's been the only adult relationship I've had. Not sure if that has anything to do with it...

 

[Riley Jones]

I'm here looking for information on isolating. I'd never done it to anyone before the guy I was talking to online. I first met him in the early 2000s in a MSN chatroom. Never met in person then and still haven't. Came back into my life over the Summer. It's so confusing.

Due to a lot of mental stuff with my Mom he's been the only adult relationship I've had. Not sure if that has anything to do with it...

Welcome to the community. Isolation can be a complex issue, especially when it stems from difficulties in forming or maintaining relationships due to past experiences. It's common for people with PTSD or CPTSD to find themselves withdrawing from both new and existing relationships, often as a protective mechanism.

Your connection with this person, the nature of your relationship, and the impact of past experiences, like those with your mom, can indeed play significant roles in why isolation might feel like a current response. It sounds like this online connection has had a profound impact on you, which is entirely understandable.

It might be helpful to explore these feelings and experiences in more depth, and the community here at myptsd.com can be a great place to start. There are forums dedicated to relationship discussions and the impact of past trauma where members share their experiences and insights, which might resonate with you.

Remember, you're not alone in feeling confused, and this space is here for you to connect with others who understand. If you feel you're struggling, professional help can also provide valuable guidance and support. Take your time exploring these feelings—it's a journey, and we're here to walk it with you.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

For clarification, did you isolate from him? Or him from you?

 

[arfie]

hello kitty. welcome to the forum.

Due to a lot of mental stuff with my Mom he's been the only adult relationship I've had. Not sure if that has anything to do with it...

i'm wondering if this has everything to do with it. possibly the very heart and soul of it.

i am such a hardcore isolator that i can and have lived totally off-grid. i was a pretty good ways into my recovery before i was able to see the extent and mechanics of my isolation. "i don't isolate. i'm a naturalist." once i began to recognize the many, many ways i was using my love of nature to isolate myself from my fellow humans, i started seeing the messy footprints of isolation all over my life.

fast forward a few decades and i still love nature and prefer to be alone with my love, but i am studying on the diffs between being alone and isolating. there are many important differences.

but that is me and every case is unique.
steadying support while you sort your own case. welcome aboard.

 

[Jaded Kitty]

For clarification, did you isolate from him? Or him from you?

Me from him. I didn't realize it had to do with PTSD which I was diagnosed with in 2005 not long before Katrina. It could be CPTSD at this point with everything that's happened since then.

He took everything personally which I understood. He didn't get it when I'd describe it as feeling like I had fallen into a dark black hole which is what it feels like sometimes.

It's never been a voluntary thing at all. He thought it was intentional and that I was mad and/or irritated each time. So I started going with that too because it was the easier way to go explanation wise.

I think reactions may have made it a little worse due to neither of us knowing why it was really happening. He has his own stuff going on mentally. I felt like I was just making his stuff worse.

I'm usually too nice of a person so doing this to him made/ makes me feel so awful ( more than that actually). It's not something that I would normally do. I basically chased him off by telling him he needed to get away from me for his own good. I miss him though.

 

[Jaded Kitty]

Thank you for the welcome @arfie.

 

[plain_and_normal]

Me from him. I didn't realize it had to do with PTSD which I was diagnosed with in 2005 not long before Katrina. It could be CPTSD at this point with everything that's happened since then.

He took everything personally which I understood. He didn't get it when I'd describe it as feeling like I had fallen into a dark black hole which is what it feels like sometimes.

It's never been a voluntary thing at all. He thought it was intentional and that I was mad and/or irritated each time. So I started going with that too because it was the easier way to go explanation wise.

I think reactions may have made it a little worse due to neither of us knowing why it was really happening. He has his own stuff going on mentally. I felt like I was just making his stuff worse.

I'm usually too nice of a person so doing this to him made/ makes me feel so awful ( more than that actually). It's not something that I would normally do. I basically chased him off by telling him he needed to get away from me for his own good. I miss him though.

I feel so awful for today's youth. I'm going to speak my mind and I hope it doesn't offend.
So this is a 25 year online relationship!?
Ms. I'm afraid that is no way to live.
YOU NEED TO GET OUT THERE INTO THE REAL WORLD! Touch and affection are basic human needs! To me the answer is clear, you must stop hiding behind the screen. You must become vulnerable and accept some risks. With that said, any man who has supported you for 20+ years has certainly earned your trust and respect. This is a good man were talking about ( i suspect)
Go to him, you clearly need one another.
... my 2 cents....
Best regards

 

[Jaded Kitty]

I feel so awful for today's youth. I'm going to speak my mind and I hope it doesn't offend.
So this is a 25 year online relationship!?
Ms. I'm afraid that is no way to live.
YOU NEED TO GET OUT THERE INTO THE REAL WORLD! Touch and affection are basic human needs! To me the answer is clear, you must stop hiding behind the screen. You must become vulnerable and accept some risks. With that said, any man who has supported you for 20+ years has certainly earned your trust and respect. This is a good man were talking about ( i suspect)
Go to him, you clearly need one another.
... my 2 cents....
Best regards

He's pretty much always been around in some way after we lost touch in the early 2000s. Most of that time it was friends on Facebook. We said some stuff to each other as friends on there when my Mom died in 2015. Nothing more than that until last Summer.

In the time since 2015 the love of his life and Mom to his daughter passed away in 2020. He's still has stuff going on related to his grief. That's what made me feel worse in regards to the way I'd disappear for a couple days each time I did.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

I’m unfortunately not the most introspective on isolation, but definitely have experience in it. It’s instinctive, automatic, difficult to see you’re actually doing it while… in it, so I share that sentiment with you.

Not my forte, but I know it’s a very defensive thing. Which is in-part why it’s hard to notice, I think. It just makes sense to you, when doing it.


Did you have any stressors around the time (trauma related or otherwise)? For me, retraumatisation, but also less obvious ones like moving house have contributed to triggering isolation.

 

[Jaded Kitty]

I’m unfortunately not the most introspective on isolation, but definitely have experience in it. It’s instinctive, automatic, difficult to see you’re actually doing it while… in it, so I share that sentiment with you.

Not my forte, but I know it’s a very defensive thing. Which is in-part why it’s hard to notice, I think. It just makes sense to you, when doing it.


Did you have any stressors around the time (trauma related or otherwise)? For me, retraumatisation, but also less obvious ones like moving house have contributed to triggering isolation.

The stuff with my Mom made me miss out on a lot and I mean a lot of my life. I don't have the life skills and experiences most people don't know how lucky they are to have.

Due to all of that I can easily feel awkward, nervous, scared, embarrassed, out of place and etc.. Things would be ok for a bit then I'd end up isolating myself for a couple days. I think subconsciously the feelings scared me because they were new and kinda confusing. I was so aggressive in running him off. I felt like he'd be safer away from me.

Most of my life was spent feeling like I was at the very least always in fight or flight mode to the point where it felt normal. So going with the flow letting things happen naturally without worrying about how I'll eventually screw things up is foreign to me. I hate this.

I also have stuff in my past having to do with my father so that gets factored into it too. He has some trouble trusting women and I have some when it comes to trusting men. He knows about the things with my father which would help feeling more comfortable sometimes.

 

[Jaded Kitty]

Just to add I didn't understand why I would have trouble responding to him when I'd isolate. That would make things worse because he'd think I was intentionally ignoring him, reading messages and just choosing not to respond. When I'm like that I literally can't think of anything to say.

I want to start therapy eventually. I'm in a situation where I can't easily do that right now. I want to learn how to not feel like I'm only going to hurt anyone that gets close. I'm so scared of something happening that it's hard to let my guard down long enough to see that it won't. I live in my head too much like he'd say often. I don't know how not to right now though.