Ummm... uhhh... My Past Boundary Failures vs. My Potential Future Ones?

[zombycat]

I could not for the life of me figure out how to condense this convoluted issue into a neat little nutshell thread heading. I'm not even sure if I can properly explain it, but I'll do my best:

• My partner has a best friend, a beautiful, funny, very long term opposite sex best friend (read everything after the first comma as my own insecurities)
• They go through this cycle where they're inseparable for a while, then grow a bit apart and then grow close again
• They were in an inseparable phase when he and I met, but started getting more distant before I moved in with him, stayed in contact but not to that extent
• She was going through a rough time, and to break her out of it, he got close to her again. Now they're back to being inseparable
• It's not what you're probably thinking at this point. Both are morally scrupulous people, and I trust that nothing shady is going on behind my back.
• (Even if I do get insecure sometimes)
• But I am jealous
• Even when they're not this close, they have this bond that knows that they love each other (as friends) and will always be in each other's lives and they get each other on this really deep level
• I have never had that in a friend, nothing that lasted
• In fact, I have very few friends at all.
• I have had many helpful suggestions for ways to change that, getting involved in the local community, the meet up app, etc., but I just can't get myself to take that step

Here's the reason why that will make that sketchy thread title make sense:

• I was raped as a kid. As a result, I developed a need for approval and attention, especially from men
• As an adult, when my inner demons were clawing at me, I'd go looking for it anyway I could get it
• I don't know if I've ever once been completely faithful in a relationship. I can't stand admitting that about myself, but you need to know to understand
• I recognize the behaviors, and I avoid situations or acquaintances where I might be tempted to backslide some dark night
• But I'm pansexual and demisexual so a person of either gender that I form a strong connection with is someone I could potentially find myself tempted to blur the lines with
• So I keep my friends few and at arm's length
• But I feel isolated, and right now, watching them, I'm miserable and trying not to act like a jealous lover half time time
• I want that kind of connection, but I don't trust myself. I tried to explain it to my T, but she didn't seem to understand my worries
• I don't know what to do.

Sorry for all the bullet points. It helped me get it all out. As far as the best friend goes, I think she's a wonderful person, and we have a great deal of respect for each other, but she doesn't seem to have any desire to become any closer to me than that. Yeah, I had that thought, too. lol Maybe someday their inner circle will include me, but not right now.

 

[EveHarrington]

What kind of responses are you looking for?

Asking a specific question might help guide us in how to respond.

Thanks.

 

[zombycat]

I suppose that would be helpful. Hmmm, well..

Should I try to trust myself?
Should I trust that lack of trust?
Has anyone found themselves in a similar situation with wanting to do something they weren't sure they were ready for, and if so how did it go?
What steps did they take to safeguard themselves?
Do you have any suggestions or input for me in this particular situation?

I do plan on revisiting it with my T next week and trying to get her to understand my anxiety about this.

 

[EveHarrington]

I tried searching, but couldn’t find anything....sorry if I have you confused with someone else. Are you the person who has the boyfriend who encouraged you to go see your family and then got drunk in your apartment with a female “friend”?

 

[zombycat]

No, that's not me. If my partner encouraged me to leave the house, it would be so he could play video games undisturbed. Lol

 

[EveHarrington]

Ok, I’m sorry! Sometimes it’s hard to keep everyone’s stories straight!

 

[zombycat]

No worries! I have a hard time with it too. I'd much rather you ask. :)

 

[ILoveLife]

I think jealousy at normal levels it's something we all have, as human beings, and particularly given our pasts and all the stuff we've been through, it's also normal to be insecure about our partner's giving attention to a person of the opposite gender.

Somethings that might help:
- Accepting that some level of jealousy is normal, this will help with the catastrophizing that the relationship will end because we are "unhealthily jealous of a deep connection of our partners with a person of the opposite gender". By accepting that it's normal, we can actually diminish it and think more clearly about the actual facts of the situation.
- Think of the facts. He's with you, not with her. If he wanted to be with her, he could've. If someday he wants to be with her, you'll survive. He doesn't lie to you, he's with you and that's his choice. They have a good friendship. Friendships are like that, sometimes we're closer, other times not so much. Maybe the reason why there's the "not so much" sometimes is the reason why he chose to be with you, instead of trying to be with her. Friends are also there for each other, so if she's having a rough patch, it's natural that they're closer right now. This says nothing about you or your relationship with him, but about how friendships work. With you, he's there all the time, that's how romantic relationships work.
- People have deep connections with other people all the time, that really doesn't mean a romantic relationship would work or is even feasable between those people. I have a friend of the opposite gender, we get along great and have a deep connection. I don't even think about ruining that by attempting a romantic relationship, we're also both complicated people who want different things, sometimes we're closer, sometimes not so much. I can imagine a potential partner being jealous of my friend, but the fact is that I have no intention of having a romantic relationship with said friend.

Hope this helps :hug:

 

[zombycat]

Thank you, Seitz. I love everything you said. You are dead on right about all of it- and so very gentle about telling me I'm being a knucklehead. :hug:

I did a lot of thinking last night, then picked a fight with my partner (oops) and we ended up saying up all night talking. I realized just how heavy my cognitive distortions have become about all of this.

All my past relationships were heavily co-dependent. Us against the world, putting each other on pedestals no one else could touch. I'm still learning how to share like a big girl. Lol But Those two, my partner and his bestie are such genuinely good, understanding people that if anyone can hello me through that minefield, it's them.

And my worries about my future behavior...

So, in what I said above, I've set myself up to be a raging slut with no discernment or morals, or I'm to be forever alone and friendless in this vast world we love in... -melodramatic sigh a la Scarlett O'Hara-

My mind is really ridiculous sometimes. I think there really might be some middle ground between the two somewhere. Mayyyybe. Lol I have decided that after the holidays I'm going to take a photography class. Start simple with one thing and go from there.

 

[ILoveLife]

No knucklehead calling here :)
It's tough to learn how to navigate a regular healthy living :hug:

 

[EveHarrington]

Is it possible that she receives the intimacy that is usually reserved for a partner?

I’m talking about emotional intimacy, not physical intimacy.

I’m not willing to sit here and say it’s all about you and your jealousy when there’s a very good chance it may not be. Many people could not handle this kind of dynamic, whether the bestie be of the same sex or opposite sex.

 

[Justmehere]

How are you at setting and keeping boundaries? Being able to hold boundaries with others might help towards being able to hold boundaries with your own self.

I have had many helpful suggestions for ways to change that, getting involved in the local community, the meet up app, etc., but I just can't get myself to take that step

Is this because you are afraid of cheating on your partner? What about exploring something for you and your partner to do together?