Unrecognised Emotional Trigger

[IrisL]

I'm not sure how you are guys ...

So that's sounds a bit weird but I would say normal triggers I'm quite fine with them - recognisable and it's okay, bit feel after sad or afraid, but I can handle them because that's comes back as a memory or words what I remember...

Emotional one is have a serious problem... Not recognised - I'm just living it out without I'm knowing what the f is that... I can't explain why I feel it ... But on that case when is happening I get startled on the smallest superficial thing and after starting my psychological abuse toward my partner, emotional black mailing... Etc...
And after that I'm just crying - I can cry all day long.

Is hot so worst to now I can't do anything on my off days I'm just totally waist it... I don't know how to stop it and neither to recognise it.,, everything is recognised after when it's passed and I was like my abuser... Possibly

The other thing about that next day or after a few minutes my acting is like nothing happened... Every time when things happened (sexually abused) at my childhood by my stepdad after if someone came or arrived home - was pretended nothing happened... Thinking about why I did that on the time?
Any of you did the same? Do you know why?
My memory isn't good... Why I pretended everything is fine?
And seems I'm living out my childhood abuse.., trying to put the dots together... And nothing makes sense... Why Ian becoming like my abuser? How can I stop it? Why Ian weak to I can't?

Feel myself so f*cked up... And can't explain any of my emotions...

Sometimes my partner asks me what is in my mind... Most of the time I don't know... How can I know what's in my mind?

Would be so awesome if I would know the reasons... And I'm thinking and thinking and there is no answers for it...

Does any of you do emotional blackmailing? Do you know why you do it?

Me I feel myself nothing and usually I feel then if I'm not value nothing for you why should I live? No one would miss me I'm just a problem and pain in the ass... So than its would be easier for everyone if I'm not exist...
So the problem would be sort it out...

Sometimes I'm not answering for the quaestor what's in my mind, because those are memories of the abuse... And no one would like to listen that...

My abuser says I went to him and that's why he got sexual with me... I don't remember I was interested at all in that... How I feel remember I was made to interest in it, because I was a child who lived to learn and know new things... I wanted to know everything to the core, basement level.,
Remember I was disgust about that thing... The human body so I'm pretty much doubt it is happened that way... Don't remember how it's started...

Anyone suggestions?
I'm neither sure what's my questions here...

I'm sorry if it's a chaotic post :/

 

[Rumors]

I don't have any suggestions but I wanted to tell you children don't go to adults for sex. If they do, an adult should say no...period. It isn't your fault and you would be missed if you weren't here. I don't know what therapeutic tools you have to use, but I would urge you to grab on to some and work out some of the negative thinking styles you have against yourself right now. Coping is hard enough without hating yourself.... You didn't deserve what your stepdad did to you... It's not your fault. (()) hang in there!

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

I can recognize most of my potential emotional triggers, but, there are always some surprises every now and then. I suffered severe abuse at the hands of a stepfather also, and can fully understand the cruel demons that they can be.