Unrelenting, Vivid Nightmares

[Valer]

For the last two weeks i've been having a very specific nightmare, over and over again. In it i relive previous rapes and subsequently become pregnant with my assaulters child. Every night i've woken up sweating and utterly mortified. Then throughout the day i can't seem to shake the fear that i'm actually pregnant, which causes random anxiety attacks. What terrifies me most is the concept that the situation is entirely plausible, as this man still assaults me. The abuse is elevating. Is this a premonition of something to come? i can't get pregnant! i'm only 18. Not with him or anyone but, especially not with him. If this occurred- which is not impossible- i consider the consequence. Its utterly horrifying, and they won't stop. What do they mean? What should i do???

 

[Lucycat]

as this man still assaults me.

Rather than worrying about the nightmares would it not be sensible to focus on how to get away from this guy? How is he still able to assault you? Have you reported him? Can you get to a safe place and get him out of your life? Have you told anybody in real life about what is going on?

 

[Valer]

Currently, there isn't a safe way to stay away from him. Getting any form of assistance from the police would just piss him off. i have considered a restraining order, but fear for my life. While breaking it would result in arrest, it only takes one time to strangle the life out of me.

Currently, i am away at college but, he plans on "paying a surprise visit." my t doc recommends i get birth control from planned parenthood. i feel so much shame and disgust

 

[joeylittle]

@Valer, think about your options and don't let fear make you dismiss them. Do you have a social circle at school that could help you? Can you re-think going to police, or even campus security? I'm shocked that your therapist isn't taking this more seriously than just telling you to get birth control - you seem to be very afraid for your life.

Dreams are the clearing-house for all the background thoughts that roll around in the day. So I'd say you are quite quite worried about him.

 

[Lucycat]

...and a t doc is an expert in what? Are you suggesting that you should have birth control and allow yourself to be raped /abused? This does not sound good.

I don't think you need to worry about pissing him off. That is his problem. You need to be safe. If he breaks a restraining order then it is the Police's problem to sort him out not yours. Do not accept second best - be proactive and seek help. Is there a counsellor at the college that you can talk to and get help from?

 

[Valer]

Thank you for all the advice, i really do appreciate it. Thank you for taking time to listen. However, police intervention is not an option. He WILL murder me. A restraining order is the only definite thing i'd get- and he would take that opportunity to shut me up. i had a vague conversation last night with my floor CA about my PTSD, so at least he is somewhat aware.

 

[Antidote]

Some of the time,their worst fear will cause them to make threats to you to prevent it and keep you in line. Sometimes going to the police can scare them away and make you seem like more trouble than you're worth to them. It might end in violence but chances are they might just leave you alone

 

[Ghostybear73]

I went through this same thing and you are correct in saying that a restraining order is just a piece a paper and you would be dead before the police got there provided he caught you.

However, you are away at college so you don't live with him which tells me a lot. in my situation, I had to wait out the abuse until I had enough money and the resourses to survive alone with my son. I suffered for a couple years before I was finally able to run and I had to move across the country, but I had lived with him, there was no way out other than death and back in my day and age, the police were not as aware of the dangers of domestic abuse (I hope that came out right).

In todays world, you can call the police and they will arrest him for rape and numerous other charges, plus the restraining order would help as you are not in his house and by the time he got to you, the police would most likely be there.

I don't know if I'm making much sense, but I think you have more options than a lot of us on here and you seem to be too afraid to listen. I understand fear causes a person to feel as though there is only one option (the bad one). So here is my two cents, you know he coming for a surprise visit, have him arrested, don't let him in, do something to protect yourself rather than accepting rape as an option.

I hope you understand that the comments you are getting are to help you and you listen to what we are saying.

 

[Friday]

Of course you can get pregnant. If you don't want to, then yes. Birth control. But no form of birth control is 100%. I got pregnant on 3 forms of birth control used perfectly. Rapes rarely fall into the form of safer sex/ perfect use. So it's still a risk either way. And STD tests immediately following, and 6mo later. If you can get pregnant you can also get HIV, Herpes, Warts, other HPV, and all the cureable STDs if caught early. The first set are treatable but not cureable. HIV caught early, though, you can still have another 20+ years on meds.

As it stands you have 3 options:

1 - Continue to choose to be raped (which is different than consenting to sex) until he gets bored and stops, or angry and kills you. A lot of people make this choice for various reasons. But you do have options. You're not a child, and not a prisoner. You may not have had options in the past but you do now.

2 - Stop him
a) Work with police
b) Yourself. (A shotgun is useful close quarters, as buck & birdshot don't usually pass through thin walls and strike anyone else. But if you're more comfortable with a pistol, make sure it's a hollow point or frangible to lessen the chance of killing your neighbors. Less lethal options while you're waiting for police to arrive include tasers, bear mace, nightsticks, knives... But I personally like the distance afforded from firearms. Because they're less likely to be turned on you). Ideally, please lock yourself in and be on the phone with 911. This is not an act you hide. This is in defense of your life until the police arrive.

3 - Leave. Work with a victims group to change your name and disappear. Start a new life at a new school.

 

[scout86]

The abuse is elevating.

That kind of makes me think that "not pissing him off" isn't working too well as a strategy. It's pretty much impossible to do a good enough job of not pissing people like this off. You need to get out of the situation and having help to do it is probably best. Since you're in college, there's a good chance there are advocacy groups available for people who've suffered rape and domestic abuse. You qualify on both counts. It might be hard to get yourself to reach out and contact them, but it would be a smart move. I'm sorry you're in this situation, but you deserve better and it would be good to find a way out, while you can.

Does your T actually understand the situation? If they do, that's a pretty odd response! Sounds to me like your life is in danger and THAT makes this an emergency.

 

[Hashi]

I'm taken aback by some of the responses here. Relationship violence and getting away from it isn't that simple. The person is not "choosing to be raped", they are choosing to protect themselves from being even more seriously harmed or even killed.

It's a common pattern that fear of what the abuser will do keeps the abused partner trapped in a terrible situation, too afraid and broken down to leave. And that's a real fear, not imagined or exaggerated. Nor is it easily dealt with, even by going to the police or courts. In some situations, restraining orders can be like having an umbrella to protect yourself from a tsunami.

@Valer that doesn't mean you have to stay, it means you have to be very, very careful about how you get away. Please contact a centre that specialises in supporting people who are in abusive relationships, and get help from them. A good start in finding one is this list of hotlines:
Link Removed
In fact the whole website has good information and non-judgemental support. Link Removed

Regarding your nightmares, often our dreams are trying to help us by bringing things to our attention. Do you think the nightmares could be trying to get you to take action against the risk of getting pregnant? While you're in this situation, it's the only way to reduce the risk.

I can understand what you say about why you can't get pregnant. In addition, I'm very concerned about how much harder it would make it for you to escape, if you were pregnant or had a child. Can your t-doc help you work through your feelings about taking it? Maybe if you can talk about it more you could get over the obstacles to taking that step.

 

[Lucycat]

i'm only 18.

You're not a child, and not a prisoner.

I rather think that as a vulnerable 18year old you are still a child.

I also have realised that I am perhaps reading this from a different perspective to others. @Hashi you are clearly seeing this as domestic violence - which is entirely appropriate. I was seeing it through the clouded lenses of Childhood sexual abuse and assuming the perpertrator is Valer's father or step-father or something similar, and as such under the total control - even at a great distance- in college - from the abuser. Perhaps the perspective does not matter the facts are the same. Valer is at risk and sees no way out.

@Valer do you have any family members that you have shared any of this with? What about college pals? Is there anybody in real life to take you by the hand and go into the office of an advice charity ( Thinking Citizen's Advice here in the UK) to establish what the options actually are as opposed to what you think they are.

I am not convinced that suggesting a frightened, vulnerable 18year old arms herself with a gun is the best suggestion - the consequences of that going wrong are, to me, unthinkable.