Unsure If Contact Is The Best Plan

[ArcadeClash]

As of Christmas, I've started getting messages from my Mom. Short messages like, "I miss u". I only responded to one on Christmas. I kept it pretty short just saying, "U too". Yesterday I got another one. I know I am not obligated to respond but I've heard so little from her in such a long time that I guess I have this dumb hopefulness that she will change and come around. This isn't exactly the way to go about it but...then again, I'm not sure what is. Thoughts? It's been about 8 years since I've had a conversation with her...

Some background info...
The last time I saw my Mom was about 6 years ago in a court room when she had taken my sister to court over ridiculous nonsense that got thrown out. My Mom and Sister have been back on speaking terms for about 3 years now. My Sister calls me every once in awhile and talks nonstop about family, she is completely enmeshed in it and doesn't seem to understand that I find it unsettling. What complicates things more is that our little brother, who is 17 going on 18, still lives with my Mom and Stepdad (his dad). He has been diagnosed with all kinds of problems but my Stepdad has a track record of beating the crap out of that kid. Now that my little brother is older and much bigger (6'3", 250 lbs) I don't think it happens as much but they are talking about putting him in an institution when he is 18. But for the last year they've actually been considering sticking him in a foster home. Which really makes me angry because they did something very similar to me (dropped me off at a psych ward and left me there). I don't agree with what is happening there and still feel very uncomfortable about the whole thing. It's such a complicated situation. Anyway, not to rant on any further..I get the sense that they are still really dysfunctional and my mother will never come to terms with what she has done because she has "selective memory loss" as my sister puts it. It would be nice to start over clean slate...but I have no clue how to do that...I meditate, do yoga...nothing seems to make me forget everything. There's just too much.

 

[The Albatross]

If you can respond without the hopefulness, then do so. If you can not, then don't. However, she reached out and initiated contact, and you replied. She rejoined the next move is up to you... it's not a contract... it's a message. Keep it right sized unless or until it becomes an issue. (?) This isn't so much as your brother's relationship or your sister's... it is about you.

What do you want if anything. Examine that.

 

[ladee]

I am coming from this on the other side. The mom who chooses no contact with her son.
I can only share what I am doing and feeling. Maybe it will be some things to think about.
First, If you don't have a Therapist I highly suggest you get one. You won't be able to 'forget about your past'. But you can get help healing.
Sounds like you already have your answer. That reconnecting is not a good idea.
You have not been treated right or good and you are the same thing happening with your brother. Seems nothing has changed. And I feel really bad for your brother.
I am a mom with PTSD. My son Will not or can not forgive me for the past. And doesn't have to. I do understand.
What I don't understand is that for too many years to count there has been a constant barage of emotional abuse from him.
I have done a lot of work on myself. A lot.
But he is not allowed back into my life until there are changes on his part. The trust is gone.
I think you and I WANT things to be different so badly we are willing to take the chance.
I know from my own experience....nothing changes until something changes.
I have offered to go to therapy with him. Thirty years of trying.
You sound so much wiser than me!!. You are questioning contact. I just jumped in and paid the consequences.
It's ok if he never forgives me. Today I understand that. But he doesn't get to abuse me either.
I am sorry if I made this about me. Not my intention.
It is to share with you of it Feels wrong...it is.
If it Feels like she hasn't changed...then she hasn't.
Please find a Therapist to help you work thru this.
Please don't put yourself in a position for abuse of any kind for any reason.
Take care of you. I can only take care of myself.
Thank you for sharing. I hope you get help and get to do healing work.
I applaude your insight.
Sending gentle hugs if you accept.

 

[ArcadeClash]

If you can respond without the hopefulness, then do so. If you can not, then don't. However, she...

Albatross,

I'm not sure how many times I can hear I miss you and it become some kind of conversation if there is no trust on my end. That's all they've been saying. Well, the hard part is I can't even tell if its her contacting me half the time. The few times that contact is initiated it will be my little brother using her phone and getting involved for some reason...they've been putting him in the middle of this for a few years now. Since from what I understand he has the "mental capacity of a 6-year-old" it becomes evident very quickly that its him talking and not her but they don't come right out and say it.

What I want is unconditional love and not the repetitive game-playing. It would be nice if they were straight-forward instead of leaving me mind-f*cked when all is said and done. It's what I expect, unfortunately so I don't know how to take the gesture of "i miss u" as something simple because with them, it never is. It's more like handing them a loaded gun and directing it at your heart.
Thank you for your insight, hopefully it is as simple as it seems.

 

[ArcadeClash]

I am coming from this on the other side. The mom who chooses no contact with her son.
I can only share wh...

Ladee,
Thanks for sharing from your perspective. Everyone on here has suggested a therapist but I don't really have access to one at the moment but its a good idea. Definitely something I will look into. I agree that it sounds like we both want things to be different. Trust me, I am not wiser than you...they've just been doing this kind of stuff for the last few years. I'll get a message once a year where they'll ask where I'm living, what I'm doing, then verbally abuse me if I don't tell them what they want to hear. After that, they disappear until the next year. Always my little brother. And it always has an element to guilt-tripping to it, as well. My Mom, years ago, offered to go to family therapy but I'm afraid that our history in therapy hasn't been pleasant. As children, my sister and I were taken to therapy appointments and blamed for all of her and my stepdad's problems.
Long story short, she had me diagnosed with something I don't have, terrorized me and left me forever traumatized. As an adult I don't hear the same old song and dance because my Mother isn't there to make them think I'm a crazy person but it makes it difficult to trust anyone. The idea of going into a therapy appointment with her terrifies me because I know I'll unleash some rage on her I don't think she can handle. Honestly, I don't know that I can handle that...because it would involve some massive lies she told that just about ruined my life and left me with a fractured sense of self that I'm still trying to piece together even now. Talking about those incidents after I was away from my Mom for years was what led therapists to believe that I have C-PTSD.
I'm sorry that your son treats you this way and I'm worried I will do the same to my Mom whether I feel that it is deserved or not. It's difficult to explore these issues because she has tried to bury them along with trying to bury me. At least, that's the way I see it.
Don't worry, I won't put myself in the line of fire. I live far away and will defend myself if necessary. It sounds like you are protecting yourself as well which I'm glad for :). It's about all we can do. Thank you for sharing your insights, it's interesting to hear from a different perspective.

 

[ladee]

I wasn't suggesting you do therapy with mom. Was saying that's how far I went with my son. He said no. And it was ok.
I certainly understand not trusting. But being with a T and just you will be very different.
Very very proud of you for knowing what you need and going after it.
But I also understand how hearing from them kicks things loose.
Take care of you. You have wonderful insight. Very proud of you!