Using Work To Keep Mind Off Other Things

[Deleted member 31998]

I have been told over the last few years, since I first began to try moving on, that I work too much and that I'm emotionally unavailable. It can be quite frustrating to try and work on yourself when you feel like everyone else is relying too heavily on you.

Which leads me to ask, do many of you find yourselves delving deep into work, school, etc. to get your mind off of whatever traumas may have happened? If so, does it help you?

 

[Casey_03]

I did exactly that for more than twenty years. And it did help, immensely, in fact, i think that's the only reason I survived. I excelled all throughout school and college because i used my early childhood trauma as fuel. To be fair, I didn't even have full recollection of it all yet, but I definitely tried to distract from the pain I'd felt from a very early age by throwing myself into school and hobbies. I actually still deal with things this way. Whenever I have a trauma, I impulsively do something incredibly ambitious to take my mind off of it. It helps, but only up until a certain point. The traumas still catch up.

 

[Mammo]

Hi

Yep, "work" (which ranged from school, to university, to my career) was my primary coping mechanism for (not) dealing with all the stuff that happened at home and elsewhere.

As a kid, the one thing my parents valued above all-else was academic achievement, so I worked my a*se off...and it worked, I got into less trouble, they freaked out at me less (my brother still copped it, but that was because his achievement at school took a nose-dive).

"Working to distraction" is literally what I call it.

However - as I got into my late twenties it didn't work anymore...I found I still had prolonged bouts of severe depression and suicidality. This all culminated for me when I got fired from my previous job...which really was the only thing that had kept me going.

It comes at a cost...if all you do is literally work all the time, this means:
- you have no life or contact with other people outside of work;
- because you don't go out, you're setting yourself up to never find a relationship with someone;
- at the end of the day, these people colleagues, managers etc, aren't really your friends. And as I had to learn the hard way - they'll throw you under the bus in a heartbeat if it's convenient for them.

So I think using work for me has run its course - and now I have to try and figure out something to replace it with...it's hard for me because I'm a very "thinking" person, and I don't seem to be able to force myself to just taking "a job" even if it pays the bills, if it means I'm sat there at work unchallenged and un-thinking.

I'll let you know if I ever find anything to replace it...but I wouldn't recommend it.

 

[Friday]

I am the Empress of Distraction.

I also compartmentalize like a motherf*cker.

Compartmentalizing? It works until it doesn't. Then all my compartments start leaking into each other, I can no longer trust my judgment or reactions (both flashback/triggered style... I'm not responding to the present, I'm responding to the past; as well as I'm responding in inappropriate ways to the situation at hand... at home like I'm at work, or any other wrong place/ person/ scenario), and... Oh so many other examples of what goes wrong when the compartments stop being solid things. In short I'm just f*cked.

Distractions can be useful, necessary, even. But they only work for a limited time. From experience, so do I. Whether it's exercise & I start ripping my body to shreds, benching me... Or play, and I'm off the hedonistic depend... Or work... I can only work 80-100-120 hours a week for so long until my judgement becomes suspect, and my emotions take a flying leap, and my life crumbles around me as I start to ignore everything but distract-distract-distract. Then that morphs, too. Distract-destruct-destroy-despair.

Theres a balance in all of this.

In both not being consumed by my past, and not running from it. In compartmentalizing as a tool, but not a necessity. In distracting for a rest, not a way of life.

 

[jaccat]

Definitely. I can minimize like it's nobody's business. Something big happens I just shut it down and get on with my life. When I got the phone call to tell me my dad had died I said ok, put the phone down, put my shoes on and went to work. When the truth leaked out they went crazy! But to me, that's how I deal with things. It had worked for me before.

Problem is it doesn't work. In the end what I've shut away has a way of escaping, usally, as I'm discovering, at the worst possible moments.

 

[Deleted member 31998]

Thank you! It's nice when people in your life say many positive things about your successes, but at the end of the day there is still this to deal with. As lifelong as it is, it's a rather pleasant way to deal with it.

 

[Deleted member 31998]

As a whole it can be addicting at first to start working, but there are so many things that can occur while at work too; getting retriggered is a big one. For those who do have a relationship but keep working, you may find yourself barely present in the free time you have with that person - just remember how much they mean to you and to never forget letting them know.

I will take your advice and continue to focus on what really matters in the healing process as this is something I am trying to get out of at the moment. For the last (almost) five years I have typically had two jobs or night shifts. After meeting my partner last September, I actually want to spend time with him, and work has been giving me the worst shifts in that regard.