Venting - Mourning, Hormones, "frenemies"

[Chitoshi]

Hi everyone,

I'm not sure how posting in forums works really when it comes to this stuff, especially since I'm not sure what kind of support I'm looking for. Possibly kind words, affirmations, "be kind to yourself," supportive things like that instead of looking for answers. No one even needs to reply at all. I just need to get it out.

It almost feels like I'm fishing for compliments so I really hate to post, but I'm upset and down for reasons that I feel are pretty darn stupid, but hey, here goes nothing, I'm just going to word garble and if anyone wants to reply, feel free. I just need to get it all out.

I woke up this morning pretty upset for (probably hormone reasons) what seems like no reason. I walked around after I got up in the morning and literally lost an hour to staring at a wall, realized I was doing nothing then decided I was going to be kind to myself and watch some Netflix and make myself some hot chocolate and an english muffin (because I deserve hot chocolate for breakfast sometimes, darn it all!). Well, I've never seen a movie called The Lovely Bones before and honestly didn't read the description so it's probably my own fault, but I cried the whole time. I thought the movie was lovely, if not a complete tear jerker, so I watched the whole thing. I tried to find a comedy to watch after that but nothing seemed right, and I was just upset all day.

My boyfriend came home early from work and I'm mothering him because he has a migraine from hell. He's sleeping with an ice pack right now and I'm looking in on him every once in awhile to make sure he's okay. I know he will be but it's a comfort thing for me right now.

I don't know. I feel a bit like I'm a failure for having a bad day. I know that's black and white thinking. I have an Ugly Sweater Party to go to tonight and I think I get this way about going to parties sometimes. I want to go but I don't want to go at the same time. It's confusing. Then I've got this thing with a "best frenemy (friend enemy, I think they're calling it frenemy nowadays)" that I just realized has been a toxic friendship all my life but I can't let her go for the life of me because she's always been my best friend and I'm just mourning the loss of a friendship that's gone sour and been sour for about 15 years now, but when you're just now realizing it it doesn't hurt any less.

My grandma is being very negative about her cancer. She's got stage four small cell lung cancer, whatever that means, and has pneumonia and COPD as well. She's 86 and has been a heavy smoker all her life and all I know is that that means that this might be what kills her and I'm not ready. It's almost like I'm mourning her, too, but she's not gone yet. So that's terrifying me a lot more than I've let on to my mother because I don't want her to have to worry about me and her mom, too.

I've been listening to Christmas songs all season since Thanksgiving to try and keep my spirits up, but I'm honestly not sure what I'm going to do after Christmas. I'm fine, physically, my physical therapist says I'm getting stronger with my arms and such and I won't have to worry pretty soon, and my boyfriend's brother's son has been the joy of my life this winter, too. He loves me and always asks after me when I'm not at my boyfriend's mom's house when he's there, so that's something I'm really happy about, but all I can focus on is that it makes me sad I can't spend more time with him because adult obligations.

I think all of this was just too much for me and it came crashing down today, I'm not sure. I'm going to try to go to the Christmas party tonight because I love my friend who hosts it (not the frenemy person from earlier, a good non-toxic friend). I just don't want to burden anyone with my sadness right now and it just feels crushing today. I can't hold myself up today mentally and I'm not sure how to willingly break down and cry, that's always been difficult, but I think holding it in is making it a whole lot worse. It's all I know how to do, because the alternative is that I'll be on the ground bawling my eyes out and I don't want to do that.

If you've read all of this, thanks for reading. I just can't handle this by myself right now and I don't know how to reach out to my support network when I'm just sad and there's all of the little things I've already been sad about before and can't feel like I can't be sad again to the same people who I reached out to last month when I found out about my grandma, or if anyone would understand that really I haven't "lost" a best friend, she was already lost to me but I'm just finding it out and mourning it, or that my hormones are going haywire.

I know it's all garbled, but all the same, thanks for reading and listening to me.

 

[ladee]

I understand garbled because I think and write the same way often
The issue with your frenemy
I have just gone thru this myself. The issue was not negativity, it was self centered drama. All. The. Time. So I understand how you feel. Fortunately for me it took care of itself by her crossing an established boundary. Feels so good to have her out of my life.
Some days we just feel overwhelmed. No reason to it, just a pile of 'stuff'.
And in my case hormones could distort sunshine into gloom and doom. I really understand this one.
The party. I encourage you I go. You can decide before you go how long you will stay. That gives you an out.
Even with reluctance it could be a fun distraction for a little while
Sometimes we just need some space from what all we have on our mind.
You are very self aware. That to me is AWESOME.
You shared. That takes courage.
What you are feeling and thinking is normal for us.
So, hopefully you will put your ugly sweater on and go have some fun that you deserve!!.
Gentle hugs.

 

[Mytime]

Sorry your feeling down today. But I'm glad you reached out.
I lossed my dad in May, to COPD. I understand your mourning, before you lose her. I mourned the changes in him, because of his illness. I mourned the changes in myself, if that makes sense. We all mourn differently and there's no time limit.
I also had a friend who was toxic for
18 years. She hurt me many, many times and some how still had the ability to round shit around on me and I would take her back or believe it was me that was in the wrong. I understand the lost, because they can make you believe your special and they bring that out in you. So your not sure you can be that person without them. But the truth is you are that person and even better. Because you don't have them tearing you down anymore. But I understand the mourning of the good part you see in them. But please ask yourself if that part is real. I do hope you go out tonight and be around people who love you and enjoy spending time with you. Sending hugs and support if you except.

 

[Chitoshi]

Hey everyone,

Just an update. I did go to the Ugly Sweater Christmas Party. :) I made a drink with Extra Dry Champagne, Ginger Ale, and partially defrosted frozen strawberries. I didn't think it would go over well because I didn't have a good state of mind going, but I was pleasantly surprised because everyone wouldn't stop talking about it and it was the first drink to go. It was a major hit! Score for Chitoshi! :D I'm bringing more of it for next year's party.

The issue with your frenemy
I have just gone thru this myself. The issue was not negativity, it was self centered drama. All. The. Time. So I understand how you feel. Fortunately for me it took care of itself by her crossing an established boundary. Feels so good to have her out of my life.

I also had a friend who was toxic for
18 years. She hurt me many, many times and some how still had the ability to round shit around on me and I would take her back or believe it was me that was in the wrong. I understand the lost, because they can make you believe your special and they bring that out in you. So your not sure you can be that person without them. But the truth is you are that person and even better. Because you don't have them tearing you down anymore. But I understand the mourning of the good part you see in them. But please ask yourself if that part is real.

Thanks for your words @ladee and @Mytime. I'm really struggling with the toxic friend thing. It's more of a once I took a really good look at the relationship (and many chats with my T) that I realized the relationship has been sour since middle school, but I couldn't let go because she "needed me," but was never there when I needed her. The whole I tried to set boundaries and called her out on some B.S. after a bunch of little things in middle school but she told me I was playing the victim and got majorly upset and turned it around on me, so I ended up apologizing in the end and have been afraid to bring it up ever since. We don't talk all that often, honestly, but the whole view change of my relationship with her has been a major blow for me because I've considered her my "best" friend since Kindergarten regardless of how she treated me. I'm in that stage of starting to weed out toxic relationships, and she's been my oldest festering one. I'm so independent from her now and can be okay without her, but it almost feels like a breakup, and I'm so scared to take that next step. I don't know how to end a friendship, and I think fading away might be best at this point, but who knows. I've left it to fate, and won't be seeing her at Christmas like we generally plan every year (we both live in different places but go to our hometown for Christmas for family, and she kicked me to the curb last year throwing out plans I rearranged my schedule for, which was the last straw in a line of last straws but she doesn't know that, and I'm still bitter).

Sorry your feeling down today. But I'm glad you reached out.
I lossed my dad in May, to COPD. I understand your mourning, before you lose her. I mourned the changes in him, because of his illness. I mourned the changes in myself, if that makes sense. We all mourn differently and there's no time limit.

Thank you for sharing this with me. It's really good to know I'm not alone in this. It's pretty scary. I saw her at Thanksgiving and she'd lost most of her hair and was jaundiced from all the drugs. She's been my biggest fan for as long as I can remember and I just know I'll miss her. I can't see her for after Christmas for financial, health, and school reasons, so I'm devastated because I know I'm missing time with her but I physically and financially won't be well if I go, and the timing isn't right for me. I feel selfish saying that. :banghead: I'm hoping to see her over the summer, but I'm going out of the country for a nice vacation in June right after I'm done with school and I'm scared she won't be here when I come back. The doctors didn't give us a time limit so I'm not sure if they do that anymore or not.

As for hugs, I love hugs! Hugs for everyone! :hug::hug::hug:

Thanks guys for responding, and thanks for everyone who read.