Very Confused

[Jem13]

Hello, I'm new to the group and this is my first step forward to try and cope considering it has been almost 10 years since I have been in my extremely abusive relationship. I was 16 when it all started, I am now 26. The two of us have not been together since I was 20 and still struggle everyday with flashbacks and nightmares.

I have had guns to my head, been kidnapped,raped and held hostage the list goes on. Our stories are all similar. I have a question for you guys is it normal to miss and still love your abuser? My heart has been calling out for him, I have such a strong urge to call him up. 10 years later I'm embarrassed to admit I miss him and that I still love this monster. I'm starting to feel like something is very wrong with me, my days are full of confusion, I feel completely crazy it's starting to effect my day to day life. I just don't know what to do at this point.

Please tell me I'm not alone .

 

[Sighs]

I'm pretty sure there was a similar post a few months ago. I can't find it now but I would say you are not alone.

 

[shimmerz]

Trauma bonding. You may want to look into trauma bonding.

 

[Friday]

The human heart is an incredible thing... Capable of great feats of love, against all sense & self preservation.

People who have never been abused cannot understand why people stay in abusive relationships. As an adult, ever. As a child, one second longer than the moment you're old enough to run. Why would you love someone who did that to you??? They seem to think that love is rational, when it's not. They seem to think that love conquers all, when it doesn't. They seem to think it cannot exist in equal pace with hate, or fear, or fury, when love has absolutely no problem existing side by side with everything dark and terrible. No longer loving your abuser? Is a gift. And a rare one, at that. If you find it someday? Revel in it down to your fingertips. In the meantime, however? The last thing you are, is alone.

 

[Ronin]

What @FridayJones said.

Word of amen.

 

[AnnaLost]

@FridayJones is fast becoming my spirit animal