Violent Images

[Jingyd]

Last September my brother chased me in to a police station, cornered me infront of the officers and raised his fist to me, screaming and shouting at me. He went to punch me but for some reason decided to hit a desk, he then roared at me and walked out, he got himself arrested because of this. I have been left with agoraphobia and PTSD. I am a nervous wreck. He had made my life hell all last year accusing me of calling Social Services on him because someone had reported him for hurting his son, which I did not do, but he had it in his head I did so he made my life hell all year, as did his partner:-(

In January I went on medication for a few weeks, during this time I had an intrusive thought about knives, panic striken that 'what if I stabbed my children' this totally disturbed me and I became very unwell with anxiety, I was constantly testing myself but holding knives and bringing the image into my head to see how I reacted. Obviously my reaction to the images was I broke down crying, shaking, wretching over the toilet almost being sick:-( but it hit me so hard that I became scared to be alone with my children. I went to see my doctor and he said it was part of the PTSD. My brother used to hide knives under his bed when we were children, he used to self harm, and he still does, so I always had a fear of knives. I made my husband throw out the knife block and scissors in the house, I was that upset.

After about a month this intrusive thought got easier, I was reassured it wasn't an 'urge' and it was infact an instrusive thought, I had no idea what they were. I am still scared of knives but I don't have those nasty images. Recently though if I see anything that could be used as a weapon I panic, so say I am alone at home with my children and I see a heavy object, or a belt, tie.... anything that could cause harm I feel sick and panic. I can't listen to the news without feeling scared. A local man went missing the other day and was found dead in the woods, I felt so anxious and panicky when I heard his body was found, he had taken his own life. The news of the missing young girl, confirming she was dead on the national news here in the UK. I couldn't watch it, I felt so anxious at the thought of even watching it.

I have told my counsellor and my GP, and they both say it is what PTSD does, it causes violent images in the head, they aren't images that you want to carry out but it is because you are scared of violence. What I don't understand is though, I would never hurt a fly, I love my babies, they are my world and I only carry on for them. I have a wonderful husband and I am getting support from them all. Why am I having these thoughts?

If anyone can help to reassure me I am not losing the plot I would appreciate it. It is so hard to tell someone you have these 'what if' thoughts.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I also had intrusive thoughts. My son's birth was traumatic and they didn't think we would live. I'm not going to go into detail, but for months after, when I would walk him in his stroller, I would have thoughts about cars coming and hitting the stroller and killing my baby. I thought I was bad and evil for having those thoughts. They went away after while. My therapist also told me they were just intrusive thoughts.

 

[Pencil]

When my daughter was born I lived in a house with a loft. I had repeated images of throwing her over the bannister. I moved to a single story house within a month. It was incredibly and indescribably disturbing! I have NEVER told anyone about this!!!!!

 

[Jingyd]

Thank you both for sharing your experiences with me. It is awful, I panic that I'm disturbed and not normal. I have been told by my therapist and doctor that it is just PTSD, yet I still worry:-(

 

[Pencil]

Of course you worry because we wonder if we'll ever act on it. These images have NOTHING to do with who I am - but where do they come from, is it something evil in me ... We can't be complacent about it and think, ho hum, just another violent image, nothing to worry about.

 

[Jingyd]

I know, you think why am I thinking this, it really does make you question yourself:-(

 

[DharmaGirl]

It does, but there are so many aspects of PTSD that make you think there is something wrong with yourself.

 

[Jingyd]

I panic the intrusive thoughts mean I want to do those things:((( so disturbing.

 

[GeorgiaOnMyMind]

Yes, this happens to me too. I have random violent thought I would never have dreamed I could be capable of thinking up. I talked to a doctor who said that when you experience aggression (from someone else), it triggers your own aggression to fight back--even if this response is delayed (weeks, months, etc). So it's perfectly normal--not that that makes it go away, but good to know you're not crazy, right?

For someone like me, a normally nice and friendly person who would never hurt a fly, these aggressive thoughts are so disturbing that I'm punishing myself in my head for even having them--which my brain recognizes as aggression, and then it starts all over again. So maybe one way to break the cycle is to recognize the thoughts as "Oh, how interesting, my brain is trying to figure out how to be aggressive in case it ever needs to be! Good job, brain. Pat, pat. You can stop now."

 

[Orglethorp]

I've struggled with this variety of intrusive thoughts for as long as I can remember. I never imagine myself causing harm to others, but I imagine hurting myself, and I imagine horrific accidents happening to both myself and to others. It is absolutely ridiculous how many times in a day I'll see a mundane object and instantly think of how to hurt or even kill myself with it. I hate standard ring binders because they induce a very specific intrusive thought of self harm that I remember experiencing since I was about 12, and it happens every time I see one. The sound of those rings snapping together has triggered panic attacks for me many times as well.

I cannot go near the edge of a raised surface (stairs, bridge, cliff, etc.) without imaging myself or others falling off, even if there's a railing, yet I'm not afraid of heights and this doesn't stop me from going right up to those edges and taking a look. I hate being in cars because I visualize the car being hit at every intersection from cross traffic. I hate watching people cross streets and parking lots, because I see them getting hit by cars. I hate working in the bakery (my part time job is at a grocery store) because I can't not think about cutting myself with the big knives or getting locked in the oven. (Imagine the chills sent down my spine when a parody murder mystery film made for my store's annual service awards featured a friend and co-worker supposedly perishing that way!) It was worse when I worked the production shift, because I used see myself allowing my hands to be crushed by the various dough divider & shaping machines with every single use, even though this isn't possible due to the two-handed controls.

I find music helps a lot in most cases. If I don't have something to listen to, I'll often sing. If that's not possible/appropriate, then I'll find something else to concentrate on. Sometimes the best thing I can do is replace the intrusive though with another one that's less distressing. I don't know why I'm able to do that, but I am. I love the quote "real or not real?" from Mockingjay, and I've got the phrase on a necklace. I'll go through periods of weeks or even months when I wear that necklace every single day, because fiddling with the pendant reminds me to recognize those thoughts for what they are and sort them out.

 

[shoulderblades]

I have experienced, and still do to a degree, intrusive thoughts of extreme violence exacted towards others and to myself. There was a time in my life where I was consumed on a daily basis with an inexplicable rage and fantasised about hurting others with intense and extreme acts of violence.

I had no sense of meaning for this rage - it was like a compulsive thought or feeling that I could not control. I scared myself with how out of control these thoughts would sometimes get, to the point where I would pick up a knife or some other sharp implement and threaten those around me with violence. I sometimes threatened to kill. The rage I felt was so intense that I would physically shake for hours on end. It would feel like even my organs and my veins were shaking with rage. I was constantly having adrenalin rushes fuelled by the violent thoughts. It was terrifying - I felt so out of control and so scared and so trapped within myself. I always hated, loathed, despised myself after a violent outburst, to the point where I'd feel suicidal and want to hurt myself or end my life.

I would have violent outbursts that I couldn't explain nor control; the most ridiculous things would trigger these outbursts. I remember one time I had a violent outburst at my husband (now ex) because he had wrapped meat that I'd bought in foil and not cling wrap. I remember another time where I'd fallen asleep on the train and my ex-husband, who was sitting next to me, deliberately did something to startle me awake - it startled me so badly that I lashed out at him physically and started hitting him repeatedly while seized in terror. I frequently screamed and shouted at him over very minor things that weren't really that big of an issue in the grand scheme of things - but at the time, those tiny things felt like catastrophes that were causing my world to fall apart.

Thankfully, while I still experience anger, I don't experience that bone-shaking, adrenalin-pumping rage so much anymore. I still sometimes have intrusive violent thoughts but they appear in my head like a blip rather than a fully fleshed out thought full of graphic details. To this day, I can't explain what that rage was about or where it came from or why it was so consuming. It lasted for a long time, though - about ten years or so.