Was My New T In The Wrong Or Was I Just Being Sensitive?

[bygonebyways]

TL;DR- T that I like costs too much money. Found a T that costs less, but I felt dismissed and offended throughout my entire session. Do I spend the money on the T that I like, or do I just learn to deal with the T who costs less money, even if she makes me uncomfortable?


BG: I had a very negative experience with therapy post trauma three years ago and never went back. The past six months or so, I've been feeling progressively worse, so I finally sought treatment again in December. I love my T and we had just done our first session EMDR last week, when I got a notice from my insurance saying they wouldn't help pay ($160/session) until I'd met my $6k deductible. I can't afford to spend six thousand dollars on this this year, so I decided to try to find another T who is in-network for my insurance (meaning it would only cost me a $35 copay for each session). I found a T with great reviews who accepts my insurance and does EMDR, so I made an appointment. She is the only T in the area who both accepts my insurance and does EMDR, so I can't find anyone else without encountering the same problem as with my first T, or having to commute.

Now to the issue: My appointment was yesterday, and the therapist just made me feel like total crap. Here's a short list of the things I felt were weird:

1) She asked me four separate times throughout my appointment why I thought I had PTSD, even though I told her from the very beginning that I had been diagnosed with it both by the T I saw immediately post trauma, and the one that I'd been seeing the past couple of months. Despite that, she continued to ask why I believed that was my diagnosis. It felt like she didn't believe me.

2) When I told her that I'd been disassociating, her immediate response was, "Seriously? You actually think you disassociate?" Again, like she didn't believe me.

3) At one point, when talking about my career and my family (neither of which are related to my trauma), she said "So you have a good job, a cool kid, and an amazing fiance, and you're going to let one day ruin your life?" Like it's some kind of choice that I made.

4) When I told her that the gym and weight loss was a big trigger for me, she lectured me for several minutes about how being fat will kill me. Yes, I know that, lady. That's why I said I wanted to work past it so that I could get back on the right path. You don't have to tell me that being fat sucks.

5) She lectured me three times about punctuality and appointment cancellations and how much of an inconvenience it would be for me to be late or to cancel without 24 hours notice. For reference, this was my first appointment (no cancellations), and I was 15 minutes early. She was actually 10 minutes late.

I don't want to go back. My fiance thinks I that I might have been misinterpreting her tone and that she wasn't trying to be offensive, but I felt so dismissed throughout the entire thing. Like she had already made up her mind that whatever I was going through wasn't that bad. I don't feel like I can open up to someone like that.

My fiance wants me to go back to the T that I like and has offered to pay for it for me, but I don't want to make him take such a financial hit if I'm just being overly sensitive. I guess I'm just looking for other perspectives. Are the things I listed as bad as they made me feel, or is this a totally normal experience that I'm blowing out of proportion? I feel like if it's a "me" issue, I should suck it up and give it another shot. If she was actually out of line, I would feel better about letting my fiance spend the money so I can see the T who I felt good about.

Sorry that was so long, thanks for reading if you made it through.

 

[Casey_03]

I feel like some of the things she said were inappropriate, but not all of them. Her comment about you having a good job, cool kid, great fiancé, etc, for instance --- that to me sounds like she was just trying (awkwardly) to get you to focus on positive things rather than negative (but yes, it does sound a bit dismissive, and I'd be irritated if someone said that to me). If she was just trying to push you towards more positive thinking, it sounds like she was kind of clumsy about it. Some people may find comments like that helpful, some not so much. I'm not sure it really does anything to deal with the trauma to just say "don't focus on it." My T often says things like that to me, for instance, but it's more her way of trying to train me to stop negative thinking rather than her being dismissive. And she never minimizes the traumatic events by saying something like "don't let one day ruin your live."


Her comments about you dissociating, to me, are more worrisome. But it really depends how she said it. You have to remember that you are a new patient for her, so she isn't familiar with your background. Which is why her asking why you think you have PTSD may have been an innocent question, and not meant to imply she doesn't believe you. As far as I know, it's very common for doctors/therapists to ask a person why they think they were diagnosed with something, even if the diagnosis is already there. Because sometimes they'd rather hear it from the patient themselves.

At the end of the day, it's more obvious to you if she was being dismissive and condescending. If she's not a trauma therapist, she might just have no idea what she's doing. In my opinion, I think you should give her another chance and bring up these issues -- just ask her if she has doubts about your diagnosis. You have every right to do that with her and be open. And she might surprise you and be apologetic and explain that she didn't mean to be dismissive at all.

 

[BlueOrange]

Your fiance sounds pretty cool :)

Would you feel able to talk to the in-network person and say "This is how I felt during our last session, and I'm concerned that I might not be able to see past the messages that I found invalidating." ?

I doubt that I'd be able to do that. If you think you could, then it's probably worth $35 to find out how they respond. If not, or if they don't respond well, then stick to the one that works. If you're feeling extra brave, then try explaining the whole situation to the $160 therapist, and ask if they're willing to help you transition to the care you can afford.

 

[Bloomy]

I just think that if you are nt comfortable with your T no matter why its not going to work out ie not going to make you work out. She might be skilled but then there is the thig that is called chemistry. Sometimes we just dont get along wih another for what ever reason. In therapy, at work, among friends and such. Specially with a T I think its important to have some one that gets you. If not its like two people on diferent planets and connections rarely happens and therapy will be of less use. I went through a year or tqo with wrong chemistry T. Didnt do me no good really. Exept that in the end I got so pissed of being misunderstood I promised my zelf to get well just to show her Im not that damaged as she seems to think. It might be as some one over here mention that she means good but seems to keep using wrong words despite me kindly asking her to not. Anyway - if the feeling is not right about a T one have I dont really think the sessions will go all that well.

I wish you all the best.

 

[Cannottakethis]

If you feel uncomfortable, belittled or dismissed by a therapist, how can they help you feel better? Therapy is supposed to be nurturing, or at the very least a safe place.

I wouldn't go back.

Your boyfriend sounds like a keeper for sure.... maybe you could talk to that T about a sliding scale or reduced rate... a 6K deductible is really high, but a good T is priceless.

 

[bygonebyways]

Thank you all so much for your responses. You have all helped me feel validated in my thoughts surrounding that session.

I agree that I may have been over-analyzing her questions in regards to why I think I have PTSD. I didn't realize that that was a common question; it makes me feel better to know that it is. Ultimately, I think that I will go back to my first T, as I don't feel comfortable expressing how I felt to the new one. It's important to me that I keep moving forward with this after having been stalled with no help for the past several years, and I suppose that I'm worried that if I had another session that went poorly with her, it would deter me from seeking help.

You are all right that my fiance is a keeper :) I feel so grateful to have him as a support system. Thank you for your suggestions to ask if my T will consider working on a sliding scale, as any help with the financial burden would be beneficial at this point.

Thank you again!!

 

[kilted]

I'd try to stick with the therapist you like. If your partner is willing to pay then great, go for it.

The relationship is the most crucial part of therapy. Yes we can overanalyse things, but often we ignore the gut feeling we get on first meeting at our peril.

It's a two way street..... when I go to a new therapist I am sussing them out, probably way more than they're sussing me out!

 

[Freedomfighter]

You can schedule fewer sessions with the good therapist, but at least you will get therapy that is really helpful to you.