General Wearing On My Self Management...

[Cyndi S]

About 3 weeks ago I found out my suffer had slept with someone else back in April when we were having problems and he separated himself for a week. Now in March he had hung out with her alone and lied about it. I caught him in the lie immediately and had explicitly told him not to have any contact with her because she made me extremely uncomfortable. This unusual behavior for me, I'm not a jealous or clingy person and am totally comfortable with rest of his single female friends but I could just tell that this one was after him.

Any-way after finding out about him and her I agreed to give things another chance, which is not something I'd normally do. Now I'm finding myself with alot of pent up animosity and bitterness and severe lack of trust which is have alot of adverse effects on my personality. I'm with-drawn, not really sleeping, and started smoking again (I quit almost 2 years ago) All I really want to do is go to my studio put on semi-depressing angry music and dance but I know that none of this is healthy behavior. How do I work through this?

 

[Ladyhope Somerset]

Hi Cyndi,

This reply is direct and to the point.

You've got to get rid of this animosity etc etc. In the UK the best people to talk to would be Relate, relationship counsellors. The symptoms you describe are not uncommon but can be really self destructive. So go find some help as soon as. :tup:

good luck :)

 

[IvyMillie]

I feel bad for you. Trust is so important in a relationship. I think it was nice that you are giving him a second chance. I think what would help me in that situation is to put a time limit on it. Say give him 6 months to see if he is has changed or not.

He will have to earn your trust back. Is he doing that? Is he checking with you more? Is he telling the truth? It's up to him to do this not you.

If he doesn't change then you can be super mad and maybe realize you have to move on with your life. The time limit will help you feel like you did what you could to salvage the relationship, but he didn't do his part.

Maybe, you said you would forgive him and you thought you could. However, maybe the reality of living with all of that day by day is too much for you. You may have forgiven and not been able to forget as readily as you would like. It would be okay to say that you thought you could, but you can't.

I think it's okay to be jealous, jealousy isn't all bad. Sometimes us girls have a better sense about things than guys do. We can pick up on cues more than they can. I think in a relationship that you should be able to put certain limits on things. It's part of being committed to each other. That's what love means that we go out of our way for each other and that usually means that we each have some restrictions or requests of the other person. (like don't leave dirty towels on the floor, and I prefer you not be friends with that one girl)

I think your anger is completely normal. The fact that he betrayed you and wasn't honest especially with someone you had asked him to stay away from. So don't beat yourself up about the anger part--that is justified. You feel hurt which is often at the source of anger. On the small good side it means you really love him. I figure the more hurt I am it really means the more I love the person.

Your relationship has been severed to a degree and you'll have to see if it is repairable or if you can live with it after what was done. Everyone is different, as to what they can handle and only you know what you can.

Your idea of playing music and dancing I actually like that idea. It sounds quite therapeutic to me. I like to listen to angry music when I'm angry I think it helps me. However, at some point we have to move on--but it's very hard to process anger and hurt. Many say you have to go through all the emotions to then be able to move on. This is true with me, but not at all fun.

I hope things work out for you.