What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?

Feeling scared that my friend gets the right help, that what is critical is not missed. Feeling assured the body and mind are more amazing in their capacity and for healing than any of us can grasp. Feeling humble enough to know to ask it will be ok, those I love will be ok, including my sisters. I'm not sure I can call it hope in the face of the unknown, but maybe faith. Or maybe it's more trust than faith.
 
On and off awake. Heart broken. Heart broken for others' heartbreak. Night sweats. Worried. Wish I could hole-up privately and not have to engage at work or home or with strangers or co workers. Braver for others. Accepting. Personally feel a bit burdensome. But, choosing to use what strength I have for others needs vs. self 'anything' - like self pity, self doubt, selfishness, self-fears., self-hatred etc. So I guess replacing my own fears with love because it's needed more than hesitating because of my own fears or bad self worth. I guess ironically that's progress considering my history and guardedness and avoidance/ fear?

It's hard to know what to give when you don't have much to give. I guess give the little I do have.
 
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Tired. Also had to catch up 1 1/4 hours at work yesterday, as 2nd person delayed. Feeling it today but lucky I am organized and experienced and move fast I guess despite being old lol.
 
I guess my feelings of unsafety were valid.
Missed last opportunity for the rest of my life (accurately, not exaggeration) to clear my own slate, get right. Though maybe I wouldn't have, just would have been another burden for someone else. No opportunity though, so that was the answer given me. SOL.
 
Oh my, my relative wants to put up the tree in an hour. I will be agreeable and not show otherwise, but I wish there was a different time. I am exhausted.
I bought Christmas cards only to realize I don't know what to write in them. I feel outwardly speechless.
 
Sad and tired, but can't sleep. At a loss of how to survive from here. Dragging. Below hopeless. Worried. Resigned. Phony, because I am just a shell, the person on the outside doesn't reflect the reality of what I am (or am not). Taking up space.
 
Grateful to be off and able to have semi-silence/ no interaction as my mind and heart are full and tired and unsteady.

Was grateful to start the day early yesterday; forgot how good it felt to be able to be in the 'day' vs night. Night is a counter-culture, even though it's necessitated by my shift.

Grateful for so many times my friend helped me/ came through. Even unconventionally in the pandemic.

Grateful to be done shopping, more or less.

Grateful to rely on lists, not my brain.
 
I just feel rather disconnected. I smoked a joint at 5.30pm, I believe the effect died out by 7.15pm but I could be wrong, and while I was preparing and eating dinner I got into a fight with my annoying younger sister which made me sad and angry. I went for a walk at 7.50pm and smoked a cigarette and since then I feel not stoned, but just dissociated for no apparent reason. I'm panicking that I'm going to die in my sleep.
In addition, I feel awful. I'm dissatisfied with how ugly and tacky my bedroom furniture is and the fact my parents won't let me change it. I'm a transgender male and my sister called me a "lass" which upset me, I often feel like everyone (even adults) secretly think of me as a female. I worry that my eyes are too close to each other, which makes me look very ugly and stupid, and that my nose is too small, which also makes me look ugly and stupid. Earlier on today (which caused me to smoke a joint because it didn't make me feel good about myself) my brother called me an idiot because I made a clumsy mistake in putting the blinds down. He rudely barged past me instead of asking me to shift and started ignoring me, and how I worry he thinks I'm stupid. I worry that many people (or everyone) thinks I'm stupid.
I feel stupid just by typing this, but will I die in my sleep tonight?
 
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