Couldn't sleep so am back on this forum. Awakened at 3:40 AM with lots of anxiety and some upsetting but uninterpretable images in my mind. The images and the feelings are so similar to ones that used to freeze me when I was very young. I remember that happening to me but hadn't reexperienced it since around 12. Now I'm re-experiencing. Scared. Defeated. Frustrated. Hoping to hang on to some control of my life.
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What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?
- Post starter goingonhope
- Start date
franciemarnie
Diamond Member
Ugh. Thought loops. Hate them. Aggravated. Heart pounding. I know come the morning light it will have lifted but oh to fly over this - someone give me wings.
BlackbirdSinging
Diamond Member
I feel dazed. And like I'm caught halfway between my past and halfway between my present. I had a really psychologically messed up nightmare that woke me up out of a sound sleep about 40 minutes ago. It felt so real. It feels like it really happened. I feel like a mix of a myriad of emotions. I'm trying to carefully pull myself all the way back into my present. I have a feeling the feeling of the nightmare is going to stay with me all day.
EverOnly358
Platinum Member
What I am feeling? :cautious:
Okay, well, there's always something that ends the good days. Last night, I was feeling out of sorts but managed to fall asleep around 1:00am. Then around 3:30am I woke up... and I guess I had a nightmare, followed by some sort of horrible flashback when I woke up... it wasn't really the narrative type flashbacks I'm more used to... the ones with an obvious plot... it was all emotional and physical and awful. But, well, I went for years not knowing about flashbacks and just ignoring them when they occurred... I just kept moving, always kept going. So... I started doing that last night... I thought a bath might help me. And then I ended up freaking out and melting down while in the tub. Not fun. I think the water relaxed me enough to let out the crazy or whatever... I dunno. So, I yelled for my husband and he was cool about it all (he's so relieved to know what PTSD is and now everything makes so much more sense than before when the doctors were just telling me I was depressed and I needed to take drugs and that's it) and eventually I felt better. During, though, it seriously sucked. And just to make it stupider or more hilarious, based on your point of view... I was STARVING! Which... I know is a feeling from my childhood, but also it was maybe from working out a bunch this week and PMS and everything... so B ended up making me scrambled eggs and sausage and tea, which I ate in the tub... because otherwise I was gonna lose my mind! I'm so f-ing sick of this PTSD stuff, okay? ENOUGH!
So... I'm feeling discombobulated because of PTSD symptoms. I'm feeling sad, worthless, alone, cold, starving (even though I just ate AGAIN). I know that's all the past coming up like so much emotional vomit, but still... it's so REAL. So I'm just hanging in. I'm determined not to let this crap take over my life and ruin my progress on being more stable and feeling better.
I'm happy that despite not enough sleep and all the mid-night drama, I did go back to sleep (miracle!) and I did get up basically on time (maybe 15 minutes late) and I did get out of the house and to the community center (where there's a library, walking track and gym, surrounded by a super large park district area with several parks, baseball diamonds, walking paths, etc.). I have this new plan to just get out of the house every weekday, and then sit at the library with my laptop, then go upstairs and workout. I wanna get a job again at some point, now that my daughter K's at a steady state and I don't have to be there every second on red alert (She would be home with B, he works from home and can take lots of time for her... he works weird hours. Last week he had a conference call with the Dutch at 2:30am... so he had to get up and do that. It's crazy. But it's nice when at 3:00pm on a sunny day, he can drop everything and take K to the park, so, in the end, it all works out.) and this is a first, non-threatening, low-stress step towards that.
Sorry for so many words. Lemme try to do better here.
I'm grateful that K is doing so much better. I'm grateful for a lot of things (I'll save the list for the grateful thread, LOL!) But it's staying in the mindset of being grateful that's helping me get through bad times, this time around.
I'm just trying to be determined... to keep going despite things getting bad.
I'm freaked out, sad, miserable and all that... but I know that's all just crap from the past. I can acknowledge it, let it come out... but I don't have to hyper-obsess over it. Just let it come... then let it go. (How f-ing zen of me. It sounds great in black and white... a little more f-ing complicated in real life. I'm bitter and approaching angry (I don't do angry) at my father (the source of most of my childhood abuse). I feel really wrong and out of sorts.)
Physically... feeling okay. Was rundown and tired yesterday, but I rested, and that worked... I am feeling better. I'm looking forward to hopping up at 11:45am and going to the track to walk, walk, walk. Maybe jog, too.
This is enough... though I could probably go on for another 500 words. I'm feeling a lot today... too many things, so many of them jumbled up, the past mixed with the present mixed with my hopes for the future.
Okay, well, there's always something that ends the good days. Last night, I was feeling out of sorts but managed to fall asleep around 1:00am. Then around 3:30am I woke up... and I guess I had a nightmare, followed by some sort of horrible flashback when I woke up... it wasn't really the narrative type flashbacks I'm more used to... the ones with an obvious plot... it was all emotional and physical and awful. But, well, I went for years not knowing about flashbacks and just ignoring them when they occurred... I just kept moving, always kept going. So... I started doing that last night... I thought a bath might help me. And then I ended up freaking out and melting down while in the tub. Not fun. I think the water relaxed me enough to let out the crazy or whatever... I dunno. So, I yelled for my husband and he was cool about it all (he's so relieved to know what PTSD is and now everything makes so much more sense than before when the doctors were just telling me I was depressed and I needed to take drugs and that's it) and eventually I felt better. During, though, it seriously sucked. And just to make it stupider or more hilarious, based on your point of view... I was STARVING! Which... I know is a feeling from my childhood, but also it was maybe from working out a bunch this week and PMS and everything... so B ended up making me scrambled eggs and sausage and tea, which I ate in the tub... because otherwise I was gonna lose my mind! I'm so f-ing sick of this PTSD stuff, okay? ENOUGH!
So... I'm feeling discombobulated because of PTSD symptoms. I'm feeling sad, worthless, alone, cold, starving (even though I just ate AGAIN). I know that's all the past coming up like so much emotional vomit, but still... it's so REAL. So I'm just hanging in. I'm determined not to let this crap take over my life and ruin my progress on being more stable and feeling better.
I'm happy that despite not enough sleep and all the mid-night drama, I did go back to sleep (miracle!) and I did get up basically on time (maybe 15 minutes late) and I did get out of the house and to the community center (where there's a library, walking track and gym, surrounded by a super large park district area with several parks, baseball diamonds, walking paths, etc.). I have this new plan to just get out of the house every weekday, and then sit at the library with my laptop, then go upstairs and workout. I wanna get a job again at some point, now that my daughter K's at a steady state and I don't have to be there every second on red alert (She would be home with B, he works from home and can take lots of time for her... he works weird hours. Last week he had a conference call with the Dutch at 2:30am... so he had to get up and do that. It's crazy. But it's nice when at 3:00pm on a sunny day, he can drop everything and take K to the park, so, in the end, it all works out.) and this is a first, non-threatening, low-stress step towards that.
Sorry for so many words. Lemme try to do better here.
I'm grateful that K is doing so much better. I'm grateful for a lot of things (I'll save the list for the grateful thread, LOL!) But it's staying in the mindset of being grateful that's helping me get through bad times, this time around.
I'm just trying to be determined... to keep going despite things getting bad.
I'm freaked out, sad, miserable and all that... but I know that's all just crap from the past. I can acknowledge it, let it come out... but I don't have to hyper-obsess over it. Just let it come... then let it go. (How f-ing zen of me. It sounds great in black and white... a little more f-ing complicated in real life. I'm bitter and approaching angry (I don't do angry) at my father (the source of most of my childhood abuse). I feel really wrong and out of sorts.)
Physically... feeling okay. Was rundown and tired yesterday, but I rested, and that worked... I am feeling better. I'm looking forward to hopping up at 11:45am and going to the track to walk, walk, walk. Maybe jog, too.
This is enough... though I could probably go on for another 500 words. I'm feeling a lot today... too many things, so many of them jumbled up, the past mixed with the present mixed with my hopes for the future.
franciemarnie
Diamond Member
Cold. Mild shaking. Triggered. Apprehensive. Know what's coming. I think I know anyway. We'll see.
ninja
Sponsor
Frustrated... but finished a good book last night. Have a new one to start and I am looking forward to it. :)
Miss_Understood
Silver Member
Physically: I'm exhausted after 4 nights of nightmares, bad sleep and severe anxiety, I'm also sore from another seizure I had.
Emotionally: I'm irritated, angry at my situation, I'm tired of my wife saying she feels I don't care or show her enough love, I feel worthless because now I am not bringing in any money, I feel like nobody sees how close I am to edge, and I feel like I'm falling into an abyss.
Mentally: I feel like I can't think clearly nor can I speak correctly, I forget words, use the wrong ones, say things incorrectly which makes me feel like an idiot.
Spiritually: I feel empty as if I'm all alone, like I've been raped spiritually and left on the floor.
Emotionally: I'm irritated, angry at my situation, I'm tired of my wife saying she feels I don't care or show her enough love, I feel worthless because now I am not bringing in any money, I feel like nobody sees how close I am to edge, and I feel like I'm falling into an abyss.
Mentally: I feel like I can't think clearly nor can I speak correctly, I forget words, use the wrong ones, say things incorrectly which makes me feel like an idiot.
Spiritually: I feel empty as if I'm all alone, like I've been raped spiritually and left on the floor.
roaminggnome
Gold Member
I'm feeling exhausted and alone.
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What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?
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