General What Do I Do?

[captnjess]

Good evening,

I really feel lost right now as a carer. I am trying so hard to help and seem to only make things worse. Sometimes I find myself being stubborn because I get offended easily.

Tonight, I tried to talk to my fiancee about what he was experiencing recently. And, we started out having a good discussion. He always is very open with me. After I tried to give him some advice about getting help (that he had already mentioned he needed) he shut down. He told me he knew what he had to do and he didn't need me to tell him. And then said he was going to stop talking because he had never felt so much pressure on him. All I was trying to do was talk and help. I have little clue how to handle this, this is the first major issue we've encountered.

Now, we are in separate rooms. He just acts like I'm not here when I walk into a room. Any other time we've had an issue, we always resolve it right away. Frankly, I'm just really scared. And I don't know where to turn to.

 

[georgie1668]

Hi captnjess

Sorry to hear that things are so tough for you. I think you said in your introduction that you were with your partner for a year before he was diagnosed, but I could be getting my wires crossed.

It is so hard to understand PTSD and realise what it means for both sufferer and carer. I met my man after he had been diagnosed some two and a half years previously but had no idea what it all meant. It has taken me some time to understand the condition. Unfortunately, it can be very hard when your partner pushes you away and states he is under pressure. That also happened to me and I reacted defensively of course at the time. It was only after I learnt that sometimes sufferers just can't handle any emotional input/stress and shut off from the feelings it sparks off inside. I have a counselling/social work background and my man definitely needs help to get through his PTSD but as yet has chosen not to. This is very difficult to accept, however I have a friend who suffers from PTSD and she told me that sufferers often need to sit in the paiin for a while before they can move on. I kind of get that I guess = still difficult to understand.

I can't give you advice specifically but just to say you have said your bit now and all you can do is let him find out when is best for him. Very difficult when you believe someone needs help. I have given my man a lot of space which I initially found hard and difficult to do but as we don't live together, I guess it is easier than in your situation.

Disrespectful behaviour is not acceptable no matter what the circumstances and I am not judging your situation, but when something similar happened in my own life, I made my boundaries really clear and since then things have improved. This was on the advice of my own counsellor, because she felt I had lost control of the situation and felt like I was floundering/lost and powerless.

I really know what you are saying though. So, so, hard, but nobody deserves to be ignored - when you state what your boundaries are, perhaps you could ask him what happened to spark this behaviour and if it was a classic shutdown - then ask him what he needs at this time. Don't know if this helps, but all I know is that it is really hard for the carer at this time to accept it and let it go. Doesn't mean you don't look after yourself and your needs though. This took me a long time to get.

Take care and hope things improve.

 

[captnjess]

Hi Georgie-

Thank you for such a nice response. Sometimes, it just helps to read replies, knowing that someone else is out there who understands.

It's interesting because when he stops feeling pressure from the PTSD, he opens up and understands that it is hard for me too. The only problem seems to come the past few days when I try to help and he says he doesn't need advice, and I get defensive. It's nothing excessive, he just asks me to stop and I get really upset and defensive. And I know that makes it worse for both of us.

Every day I'm trying more and more to understand what he needs and just be supportive. It's a day by day type of thing. He has spoken to a VA counselor over the phone and hopefully, will fulfill his need to go in today.

Thanks, again. It really helps!

 

[Shoka]

Hi Captnjess,

From my experience, I've learned that when my sufferer says he can't talk about something, he's not being disrespectful, he literally is incapable of discussing the issue at hand without an escalation. It is really hard to hear it, and I do recognize how you are feeling. This is something I've had to get used to- that is letting something go when my sufferer says something like "I need to end this conversation".
I've learned to recognize that that response is alot healthier than a triggered reaction which can become a downward spiral for everyone.

My advice on this one? Leave it alone. You said your peace about him needing help. You can not imagine the self loathing that some sufferers feel about their disorder and their inability to "control" it. You need to realize that you have no power over whether he goes to get help or not. The sooner you learn as a carer NOT to give advice, and not to take things personally (this is a MAJOR CHALLENGE) the easier your personal life will be.

You've got to learn to do something that I call "letting go with love". And just to be really clear, this NEVER should mean that you accept abusive behavior or that you enable someone.

You are a carer, yes, but you are not responsible for him. As a carer, I have found that the most important thing I can do is to take care of myself and my emotional state since while he is dealing with his PTSD, he can't do alot to take care of me.

Best of luck
Shoka

 

[CCurry]

Hi there,

I'm sorry that you're going through this, please know that you are not alone. I can't right now only because I'm in the middle of a huge turmoil with my combat vet but please know I'm thinking of you and when things calm down I'll write more.

Carmela

 

[cynelena]

Just know that how ever you decide to handle your situation, you are never alone! There is a wonderful amount of information here and great people to reach out to. I know that there are at least two recent posts regarding "not taking things personally"....if I come across them, I'll let you know. They helped me tremendously when I was just getting serious with my BF and was taking every bad episode to heart.

Reaching out on the forum has really helped me to be a better Carer to him and given me the extra push I've needed to take better care of myself. What good am I to either of us if I don't have my head on straight?!?!?!?!:crazy:

Take care of yourself. I know it's SO hard to not get frustrated and defensive at times, but educating yourself about PTSD is the best weapon you have to tackle it.

Keep reading and keep posting! Best wishes to you and your Sufferer.

Cynelena

 

[Nicolette]

JI know that there are at least two recent posts regarding "not taking things personally"....if I come across them, I'll let you know.

Here is one thread...[DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/showthread.php?t=9493"]Its Nothing Personal [/DLMURL]and the other [DLMURL="http://www.ptsdforum.org/showthread.php?t=11540"]How Do You Not Take It Personally?[/DLMURL]

I am short of time so please don't be offended by my abruptness but by talking about things and not giving your sufferer time to process it he will overload and shut down...which is a lose lose situation. Pick your battles, be brief, polite and to the point, say what needs to be said and let him sit with it and process it. He will come back to you or you will see a difference. Females get relief from venting and talking about things. Males aren't the same and add PTSD to the mix and you really need to learn how to be direct and be patient.

 

[0305]

Well I sure can understand where you are coming from, it will get a little better and it might get bad again. This may be something that you will deal with the rest of your relationship. My wife has been dealing with ptsd and it got real bad, the feeling of being alone when they are in the same room. I have found just being quiet and ignoring it , walking away when she needs to be alone, they will think you are mad but you cannot let this affect you. try journalling , find something you can do for yourself, its not easy. you are with this person to love and cherish, not a stranger who pays half the bills. i still deal with this ,its not easy but hang in there. you are not alone.

 

[ISupportHer]

I am glad you feel a little better by receiving responses. I do know that feeling.

I think the previous responses cover much of what I would have said if I'd responded first.

I think that the ability to hold back, not take things personally, not get drawn into that almost compelling feeling to force the issue is a start. By forcing I mean the feeling of needing to keep bringing the issues up before the sufferer CAN. Not easy is it!

Nicolette is directing you to some valuable information.

So, welcome. As you feel you can or need to, post here and benefit from that feeling that you are heard by people who know some of how you feel. What you are going through.

And care!