What Does Normal Look Like?

[futurefocussed]

What does a normal family look like?
What does a normal life look like?
What does a normal conversation look like?

All I know how to be is intense and it just causes heartache
What does a non intense relationship look like?

I've grown up in abuse from when I was a little girl
I struggle over extended periods of time with no structure
I have been surrounded by mental illness and abuse all my life from one extreme to the other that i don't know what it is like to have a casual friend, or to have a positive conversation about something that is not deep and meaningful.

How do I do that.

 

[Littlebirdy44]

What does a normal family look like?
What does a normal life look like?
What does a normal conve...

I too ask myself this question...almost daily. I know these feeling well and I'm so sorry you too have to experience how painful it is to live life this way. But there is hope friend it takes time and that's unfair since we've already had to live through so much pain but there truly is hope! It's a matter of re training ourselves to trust and accept love but also to discern who is capable of providing us with that! Sending love and support to you if you accept! Stay strong friend!!

 

[DogwoodTree]

I took this opportunity to review several of my bookmarks on this topic, since I don't have enough experience with healthy relationships in real life yet to give you a whole lot of insight in my own words. Here are a few that really stand out for me:

Healthy Relationships

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Who Is Safe?

Authentic and Narcissistic Relationships--What Is the Difference?

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[J'qel]

I can tell you what a non intense relationship looks like. It looks like friendship and safety and teaming up against the world.

The rest, I can't help with. Even though my marriage is doing well, we've had problems, and we've had a rollercoaster with my MIL's illness (cancer survivor with serious side effects and mental illness coupled with prescription issues, over and mis) she just passed away and now his grandmother (wonderful lady) is passing away and ... it's one thing after another.

But a good solid relationship isn't as thrilling but it is more comforting.

 

[Will86]

You say you want to have ''normal conversation'' with a random person or a friend ? What is normal to you should be considered normal to others. If they can't understand that it's because they have not grown up or experienced enough yet in their own life to be able to accept you as a person with her own story and personality.

You like deep and meaningful conversation ? Damn.. I wish I would meet more people like you, believe me, it's so rare.
These are the best conversations you can have with others, why would you want to change this ? It's so boring to have meaningless and simple conversations, you don't feel greater or changed as a person afterward.

 

[illusionist]

I agree with @Will86 .....I was brought up in Scotland, one thing I do miss is the meaningful conversations which seemed normal....a glass in one hand, and we would put the world to rights, learning so much about the person you were sitting with, without them actually spilling their own beans, or you yours..you learned to read between the lines...we shared without disclosure....it's a therapy within itself.

 

[Rani G2]

I've grown up in Abuse from when I was a little girl
I struggle over extended periods of time with no structure
I have been surrounded by mental illness

Future, i might know how to survive such sorroundings. Its more waking up the next day, without too much damage. My focus was about escaping, to somehow get time passed.
Normality I personally replace with humaneness, not having to give others evidence about my dignity. There is no need to demonstrate my selfworth in a healthy relationship.

 

[Sophie's Daddy]

I agree with @Will86 .....I was brought up in Scotland, one thing I do miss is t...

I completely agree with you on this.
Both my parents had (still have) mental illness issues to deal with; dad is a borderline, and mom is a narcissistic sociopath.

Learning to make friends while growing up in an environment constantly embroiled in a power struggle was never an option.

At 18, unshackled from family ties, I went off the deep end and became the life of the party. Not till I was 30 did I begin settling down, finally able to make an occasional friend here and there.

Most recently, it was with a new acquaintance on a beach in Mexico, a fellow amputee out walking his dog.

We fixed all the world's problems in a single evening (this was before November's US presidential election!) And it felt great!

And, I realized afterward, it was as "normal" as I could ever want a chance meeting to be – I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

Not a long lasting relationship but definitely low intensity, and a good start for me, as I struggle with similar issues, too.

I have since returned to Mexico and bumped into that same person (not as coincidental as it sounds – it's a small campground on a small beach!).

We didn't get much time to talk, but we both have the confidence of knowing that we have, in each other, successfully made a friend. It was good practice for me, as I was, as usual, traveling with only Sophie at my side.

Which reminds me, if you're up for it, a low-key dog could provide some semblance of interaction, albeit the non-human kind, that could be good practice for the real thing-did wonders for me.

As a kid, my old man would make up all sorts of reasons why I'd be grounded all summer vacation, forced to sit alone in my room when not out working in the yard under his ever-watching, bullying eye. Usually, it was because of a "lousy report card", though straight-A's wouldn't have changed a thing, I know now.

Anyway I spent most June, July's, and August's with only house plants and hermit crabs for company. I talked to them, gave them names, made them surrogates in lieu of human companionship, the whole nine. Kept me sane, though scars remain.

It'll continue to be a work in progress, probably forever, so take heart, if I could dare stick my neck out and give real people, maybe you'll find it in you, too. Sometimes timing is everything.

 

[J'qel]

I agree that meaningful conversations are a privilege to have-if we're talking spacetime, dimensions and philosophy.

If we're talking crappy thing of our childhood, the horrible things that mankind does to itself, yeah I could do with less of that (unless it is positing solutions).

But relationshsips... something that's low key-that's something that just happens. When we seek it out we look for sparks, not banked embers.

Give it time. Take your time to breathe and pace yourself. All things in good time.

 

[Friday]

There are soooooooo many different versions of normal, that if you "just" absolutely draw the line at abuse (as in not going there) & perfection (as never gonna happen, there are problems )? The sky is the limit. AKA What do you want normal to look like?