do you have a supportive partner? what does that support look like for you?

[Tinyflame]

ETA I think if shame for enduring is replaced by rejoicing with overcoming it can bring a lot of joy and amazement and healing too. Don't give up.

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

1. Relationships are partnerships. Everything is given, nothing is owed. Support can be physical, mental, whatever but it is given - not taken - not made - not owed.

2. You don't use your partners vulnerabilities against them ever ever ever. (unless they have ticklish knees....) That is simply abusive and a "power and control" move. Narcissism at its basest level.

3. When they need you you drop everything to help them and vice versa. End of question.

4 Emotional support can be going out of your way to help when your partner needs help. Stand beside them, in front of them, give them a hug, whatever you can to let them know you are there for them. Ask to help when they are having a hard time. Do things they have problems doing. Make their life easier. It's being selfless in helping them. No score card, no that's your problem, its our problem.

5 Don't fight. Stop - walk away - cool off. When you cool off - define the problem, define the solution. Never be to proud to say you screwed up, take ownership of your mistakes.

6 Last but most important - never ever speak badly of your partner. Ever. Even as a joke. What you think and say becomes what you believe about that person.

Just passed out 36th anniversary this month. I have had ptsd since before I met her. She is the most wonderful, helpful, and supportive person. I am fortunate to have her as my wife.

@Freddyt This is worth its weight in gold.
Totally agree.

PS - congratulations- you both have a gift that is so rare.

 

[Tinyflame]

Was thinking about this as a different thread called love an emotion, but I think love is a decision. I heard it once said they shouldn't ask people who are getting married if they are in love, but ask do they choose to love that person (and through x, y and z)?

I think support is a choice. Probably why they tell people don't think for one another, let them have their own mind. It won't necessarily feel believable that someone would want or choose to support. But if there is freedom to choose it is a choice. Nor should it have strings attached and never be a use of abuse or bartering or ammunition. Never will it be all good times, and rarely will 50-50 apply, more like 30-70, 70-30, 90-10, 10-90. But more importantly there should be mutual understanding, honesty, tenderness and respect. I think a strong base requires building and trust.

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

Was thinking about this as a different thread called love an emotion, but I think love is a decision. I heard it once said they shouldn't ask people who are getting married if they are in love, but ask do they choose to love that person (and through x, y and z)?

Totally Agree with you @Tinyflame.......love is a choice. We learn to love and accept (like the old saying goes warts and all)
And there Lay-eth the dilemma -thus if a supporter CHOOSES TO LOVE ,how then doth the sufferer to refuse such love by proclaiming it to be unreal ?
Yes, I am channelling Shakespeare today-welcome to my crazy :-)

But more importantly there should be mutual understanding, honesty, tenderness and respect. I think a strong base requires building and trust.

Nailed it!

 

[Friday]

Her expectations for emotional support are a lot for me, and she doesn't return that care.

Whilst there are a lot of people who treat others as they wish to be treated? There’s also the whole opposites-attract thing, where what one brings to a relationship is very different from what they themselves need in a relationship, or in a partner.

Was thinking about this as a different thread called love an emotion, but I think love is a decision.

I’ve never been able to decide to love someone or not love someone.

I can 100% decide how I treat people, to a lesser degree decide how I think of them, but not at all how I feel about them.

Domestic violence really underscores that. You don’t leave an abusive relationship because you don’t love them, you leave because it’s not okay for others to abuse you. (And it’s ESPECIALLY not okay for the people you love to abuse you.)

 

[Rose White]

I’ve never been able to decide to love someone or not love someone.

I agree. Love seems like a biochemical thing. I have some friends that I really love and it was there from the beginning, just hit me and it feels mutual. Jung called that something I can’t remember.

I think compassion is more of an action and choice than love.

 

[Tinyflame]

@Brumbyinthesunshine , I think it is critical to realize what we each define as support can vary much between people, at different times, and under different circumstances. For example, one person sick may want someone there or bringing soup; another person wants to isolate; another doesn't want anyone to know; another may feel embarrassed or angry at themselves. And some may desire dependence, others independence. Some may feel shame, another long for someone to be there. The possibilities are quite endless. Such too a child for example (though we are not children), one may want a parent present, one may feel embarrassed if that were the case. Another wants them holding their hand, some only for a moment. Another one might hope they are in the same room. Some may voice it, emphatically even; another one voice the opposite, or another one not even consider it an option. All one can do is ask, and know the person's nature and personality. And use common sense. Sometimes we need it the most when we can't except it, or it even makes us cringe.

Then there is attachment. For people with a secure one, love or support sounds lovely, but not so to someone who fears pain or loss at such a thought. Or has only negative connotations to it. (I think sometimes triggers have less to do with people as they do with fear they are real or even not harmful). The point is, it is usually not the supporter's inadequacy or fault, and doesn't usually reflect on them. 'Falling in love' or dependence or attachment can sound/ feel like a horror story.

I’ve never been able to decide to love someone or not love someone.

I can 100% decide how I treat people, to a lesser degree decide how I think of them, but not at all how I feel about them.

(And it’s ESPECIALLY not okay for the people you love to abuse you.)

I do @Friday relate to how I feel because I will say someone doesn't have to tell me twice to get lost, (but I can't say my feelings of 'love' would remain the same. I am probably less loving than you!)

I guess I see love also as both a larger reality, and a verb. It is easy to love sometimes and can be harder at others. As not-ok for the people you love to abuse you (agreed) it may be more complicated for example when it is family. Do I still love them? I think so, though sometimes Idk. Is it a willy-nilly choice? Nope, it's hard fought.

I think the sacrifice and decrease in selfishness, and 'co-passion' that goes along with love sometimes, or inevitably, takes more than my feelings to hold me there. Perhaps better said it requires something more than my feelings, which can waver especially with self-doubt, but also the ability to trust and change my mind about myself sometimes, too. I think for someone to be my world or in my world involves both my heart and head. Like loving your children because they 'are', not what they do or even always how they act. Wanting the true best for someone. Is that head or heart, Idk? I feel probably both. JMHO though, and I don't express my thoughts very well. (I'd do better with Emotional Litmus Paper lol )

 

[Friday]

And there Lay-eth the dilemma -thus if a supporter CHOOSES TO LOVE ,how then doth the sufferer to refuse such love by proclaiming it to be unreal ?

Because one is under no more obligation to love someone who loves us, than to have sex with someone who wants to sleep with us?

I can believe, or disbelieve, someone else’s declarations of love… but neither obligates me… each of us have the right to refuse anyone else’s love/attentions. Or stalking wouldn’t be a thing. Everyone who has ever been stalked would be obligated to go out with / be in a relationship / accept & return the love of their stalker.

Relationships take two people, both agreeing to be there, together. But breaking up only takes one person, ending it.

I think it is critical to realize what we each define as support can vary much between people, at different times, and under different circumstances.

Very. Much. This.

People bring different things TO a relationship, and need/want different things IN a relationship.

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

Then there is attachment. For people with a secure one, love or support sounds lovely, but not so to someone who fears pain or loss at such a thought. Or has only negative connotations to it. (I think sometimes triggers have less to do with people as they do with fear they are real or even not harmful). The point is, it is usually not the supporter's inadequacy or fault, and doesn't usually reflect on them. 'Falling in love' or dependence or attachment can sound/ feel like a horror story.

Thank you @Tinyflame. You have put much thought and time into your answer.
Someone spoke of an avoidant attachment style recently - which makes sense and rings true. Similar to. your explanantion.
I see what you mean when you say "falling in love"or attachment or dependence can sound horrifying to some.

I do @Friday relate to how I feel because I will say someone doesn't have to tell me twice to get lost, (but I can't say my feelings of 'love' would remain the same. I am probably less loving than you!)

Thank you @Tinyflame - beautifully articulated. Such truth to this.

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

People bring different things TO a relationship, and need/want different things IN a relationship.

I see your viewpoint.
TRUE 100% - COMMUNICATION being the key.
Recent advice from a couple together 75 years - Communication.

Because one is under no more obligation to love someone who loves us, than to have sex with someone who wants to sleep with us?

1) Therefore ,then LOVE is sometimes a CHOICE- and not just about falling in love ?
2) Same as physically expressing LOVE in commitment is also a CHOICE ?
3) Same as going to a store is a choice?
4) Same as standing by a sufferer is a choices much as wanting healing is a choice?
5) Same as offering space (an action of love, a verb) the width of the Grand Canyon is a choice?
6) Same as tolerance of cruelty is a choice ?
7) Same as peace is a choice?

You are right = True - "one is under no obligation to LOVE someone who loves us "