Relationship What Is The Best Thing To Do?

[greeneyes24]

It seems that all my husband and I do is argue lately. This morning I went to workout and accidently forgot my cell, I work out at a gym just down the street. Also, things have been so hectic lately our house has been a mess and I've been doing the best I can, we have a two year old...I work and go to school...he works and even gets off earlier than me, but says that I need to always keep the place spick and span, which seems impossible with all that I am already trying to keep up with. Yesterday I had told him that I knew that I had to get the house back in order and that there had just been so much going on...he said...it's okay baby don't worry about that right now....but this morning he totally went off on me about my cell and the house and called me names and that a real woman wouldn't be having these problems...ugh....he doesn't help me with anything...he is either on the computer or watching tv and if I ask him for help, he says he will, then never does...I told him that I did not deserve to be talked to like that but started cleaning things up, I felt like I did when he first got home...he always treated me like I was his soldier and I was so confused because he used to be the sweetest man I had ever met...then....

Lately, since he has not been taking his meds like he is supposed to he has reverted back to his addiction of porn and women on the internet...myspace...personals sites....so I had homework to do and I have online classes, well, these sites popped up...and I asked him about them and he went off on me again....he said he was so tired of me, and that I should just leave him alone....he picked that addiction up over there and when he first got home it was so bad he was spending money that we didn't have on that mess and constantly looking for women....I said I would give him space and leave, well somehow he ended up slapping me across the head twice and throwing me on the floor....then he started crying saying he never thought he would do me that way, talk to me that way and that he doesn't want to, it's just like something takes him over, he says he can't have a good relationship with anyone or have a happy marriage or be a good dad to his son....that he is in so much pain on the inside...I just don't know what to do anymore....it hurts me so much because I know it is not his fault that he has this illness...

I have tried to leave, when I did recently, he told me that he would be a dead man in 24 hours if I left....and he had wanted me to leave a few moments before that, then tonight he said again that he wanted to quit putting me and our son through anymore pain and said he has been contemplating blowing his brains out...he has tried that before....and it was a big ordeal and he was courtordered to stay in a mental hospital but it was not for vets because the va one was full at the time....that place he was at didn't know about combat ptsd and didn't help matters, i feel that it traumatized him more, and he has lost trust in the va....he told me that if I did call 911 again this time that he would definetly do it for sure before they got there, the last time I talked him down but the police still came in and they had even sent a swat team that surrounded the house...that made things worse for him....I want to talk to somebody...I just don't know what to do....I know that I can't control what he does...one counselor told me that I cannot control whether he takes his life or not...but I feel resposible....I love him...I want to help him, I want him to want help not just take his life because that is what he wants to do...and I know that he is serious...I am afraid to even leave his side...and I wish I could get ahold of someone to take him to the VA PTSD unit subtly, not with force....I wish that my family was more supportive instead of just wanting to write him off....everything has been such a blur the last four years....I am praying for a miracle....

 

[Nicolette]

Hi Greeneye24

I don't have much time to post but wanted to acknowledge what you had written to try and help you feel better.

I am sorry to say that the only miracle which can help your situation is if your husband decides to get help for himself.

As for the rest...I really feel for you but agree with your counsellor that you cannot hold yourself responsible for whether your husband hurts himself or not. At the end of the day if he wants to harm himself bad enough he will do it no matter what you or anyone else does.

What you are saying you are living in is, to me, an abusive situation and my advice to you would be to ask your husband to leave and if he wont well then leave yourself as you and your sons lives may be at risk.

I am sorry but all the bullsh*t being pulled does not deserve your love....it is not healthy for any of you.

Families find it hard dealing with this kind of thing but it sounds to me like your husband is the one trying to write himself off. :rolleyes:

 

[FlameTachiku]

Good Morning Greeneyes24,

You are in such a difficult place and I want to acknowledge you, to say hi. I remember having a young child without going to school or having your husband situation and I was tired. No matter what you hear keep your esteem up knowing that you are doing enough! Try not to take his words of how you are "not a woman" to heart. Keep yourself centered fight for who you are and be healthy for your son too. You can do this. I agree with the above post, if it were me I would have to remove myself and my son to be responsible for his safety. Your it. Sorry it is so unjust and painful. If it is love that makes you stay it may be more effective to love your husband from a safe distance in ways (doses) he can emotionally handle. I wish you well and want to send you a box of treasure full of energy and strength, you need it!

Flame

 

[CCurry]

Hi Greeneyes24,

I just had to post after reading this and I'm so sorry that you are going through this. If you've been reading my posts, I've been going through similiar ordeals but it sounds like yours is more acute.

I don't know what else to say except continue to love him, hopefully with help he'll be able to cope with it better but if you are going to feel safer from a distance then maybe that's best. I know how tiring this whole situation can be, I'm usually an upbeat person but this has made me depressed.

Just know that there are other women out there who are in your exact situation.

Carmela

 

[Lola]

I really feel for you!

...it's okay baby don't worry about that right now....but this morning he totally went off on me about my cell and the house and called me names and that a real woman wouldn't be having these problems...ugh....

This is verbal abuse. Name calling and put downs drain your confidence and self-esteem. Unfortunately, even if he said he was sorry those words can never be "unsaid". You will always remember them.

...he used to be the sweetest man I had ever met...then....

I guess that's the thing with some sufferers - it's almost like they have two personalities - the one you fell in love with and the one you can't stand.

he has reverted back to his addiction of porn and women on the internet...myspace...personals sites....

This is emotional abuse. I've had this happen to me and it makes me feel soooo rejected, like I'm not good enough so he's going to get his fill from some internet porno s****. It made me feel like I've been cheated on since he's choosing her to have his sex with rather than with me.

he ended up slapping me across the head twice and throwing me on the floor....

This is physical abuse. Enough said.

he said again that he wanted to quit putting me and our son through anymore pain and said he has been contemplating blowing his brains out...

This too is abusive. He probably knows you would blame yourself (although you shouldn't). It's very selfish of him to put his needs ahead of yours and your child's. Both of you would end up paying the price of his suicide.

....I am praying for a miracle....

I really hope you get your miracle! You should not have to put up with so much abuse from the one you love! His PTSD is not his fault, but it's not yours either.

 

[teknisa]

I'm sorry that you have found yourself in a difficult situation. I too have to agree that your husbands behavior is abusive. I found myself in a similar situation years ago with a man who was bipolar and had no control over his emotions.

Is there any family members that you can reach out to? Any family on your husbands side that could talk to him?

I hate to say this but I think you might have to let him figure it out on his own. As in separating yourself or him from the situation and putting some time in between. Having ptsd is not an excuse for your husband to put you or your son in a bad situation. I hate giving this advice because I'm the one with ptsd and have a hard time dealing with being left to fend for myself. But sometimes that's what it takes to get the message across.

I wish I had something better to offer. I feel for you tremendously.

Much love
tek

 

[pebbels]

Hi greeneyes24:hello:
You are describing what i went through, I tolerated a lot from my partner that i would never tolerate from any man but because he had ptsd i made excuses for his behaviour when all i wanted to do like you was help him and love him. He to often spoke of killing himself and i to was told that if he went a head with his threats i was not to think it my fault nor feel responsible.

Since coming to this forum i have learnt that his ptsd was out of control and he was actually manipulating my emotions BUT I LET HIM, I enabled his behaviour because i felt sorry for him, loved him, and didn't want to lose him. He at the end of all the kaos decided he couldn't be with me, i was devastated because i had put a lot iinto our relationship and i felt ripped off, He was with another woman 5months later. We had been together for 16months.

What your husband is doing to you is emotional blackmail and mental abuse. How dare he ptsd or not treat you like that. Your husband needs help and he has to want it. YOU need to look after YOU and your son first and foremost, otherwise he will very quickly and easily drag you down with him. With time out it will give both you and your husband headspace to think, you especially more clearly.

Wishing you all the best:Hug_emoticon:

Pebs

 

[Nicolette]

Since coming to this forum i have learnt that his ptsd was out of control and he was actually manipulating my emotions BUT I LET HIM, I enabled his behaviour because i felt sorry for him, loved him, and didn't want to lose him.

Congratulations on reaching such an empowering realisation and for being able to admit it. :clap:

 

[godhelpusoneandall]

Greeneyes, I feel so badly for you. I think, probably, the situation is made so much more painful by the fact that he "used to be the sweetest guy". You are still hoping that guy is alive under all the anger and pain. The "sweetest guy" may be forever changed...just like if he had a leg or arm amputated. The arm or leg won't come back, but his body can be made to function as if he had a flesh and blood limb. We don't know if your husband's brain will ever be the same, but it can get better.

However, I agree with the others that it may be best for your sake and certainly for the sake of your child to love him at a distance. The distance, in fact, may wake him up. I know you are terrified he will kill himself, but you are will not be responsible if he does. You Didn't Cause It, Can't Control It and Can't Cure It.

I believe in miracles, but to have a miracle you really need to turn it over to the Higher Force. There is a verse in the Bible..don't remember where, and I will paraphrase, "What is bound in earth in bound in heaven". That means that we need to let go of the problem before a solution can be provided. This is no a singularly Judeo-Christian concept, but is found in other religions and metaphysical belief systems. I know that letting so is extremely difficult. I have always had problems letting go because I was brought up to sort of take care of business. Sometimes you just plain can't. You need to walk away. You might be surprised. If you walk away, it may just be what he needs to get serious about getting help. I wish I were there to hug you. You need it. Kat

 

[Nicolette]

Greeneyes24....I have been thinking about you and relating it to my own life experiences. It took for me to hit rock bottom in an abusive relationship to take my ownership for my part (and my life) and I changed my life forever.

Before any of this happened people would tell me to leave the relationship and others would say "they were happy if I was happy" and the truth is I was a wreck. I hung on as I didn't want to seem as a failure, I didn't want to have to be a single mum again and I didn't want to have to go through all the dating rubbish again. I had all the excuses and convinced myself they were the reasons I should stay.

Sitting on the outside is totally different as there is no emotional involvement. It is easy for me to tell you to leave as there are no consequences for me. While I have not walked a mile in your shoes I have walked down that similar road and everything about what you have written tells me the longer you stay the more it will destroy you. :rolleyes: