What Should A Boyfriend Do?

[AnonymousBoyfriend]

I’ve been in a relationship with this amazing woman for just under a year. As someone with physical deformities (just on my chest and legs) and a sordid drug abuse past (3 years clean) I feel very lucky to have found someone like her – someone who knows everything and still loves me. I recently found out that my girlfriend was molested, she hasn’t told a single person until now (thank you for the anonymous forum). So for the last couple of days, I’ve been doing a lot of reading and trying to understand her needs and what I must do.

We’re both in our early twenties and live together, we started out in a long distance relationship. But this was the first time I’d felt so alive in a relationship that I did something crazy – I bought a ticket and moved to her city. When we first started dating, she told me she was a virgin – she says she still is. I don’t press for details, I want to wait till she feels comfortable enough to tell me more.

Anyway, this discovery has made a lot of sense in terms of the bedroom department. Neither of us want to wait till marriage, yet we still haven’t had full intercourse. We fool around, but even that is every two weeks at best. I knew going into this relationship that she was a virgin and it would take time. But now the sexual abuse makes sense, in terms of the emotional rollercoaster that physical intimacy with her is. Once I confronted her about her intimacy problems (before I knew), she started crying then tried to jump my bones - I stopped her and held her close.

I guess my own insecurities flare up and I act out - in a previous relationship my girlfriend said she was with me to remain celibate. So it makes me depressed that my current girlfriend still masturbates regularly, yet doesn’t have energy to play with me.

From all the reading - I understand she may not be ready for sex and it takes patience on my part. I’ve suggested sensate touch therapy, which she's never tried and is keen to do. But is there anything else I can do, to make it easier? Or perhaps a way to kill all my pent up sexual frustration, which causes me to be somewhat passive aggressive at times?

 

[Likifa]

In my opinion a boyfriend should talk to his girlfriend. The only way to work through this is by communication. If she is masturbating then she has a sex drive. That should be seen as very positive. However when and if this is to become a full sexual relationship, who knows?

Does she want to have sex - sometime? Or does she think she will never manage it?

I am sorry to say your own sexual frustration is academic. It wont make things any easier for her. Her body, her abuse history, her terms. Having said that you then have a choice to make about whether you can deal with it and stay by her side for the long haul. There is no quick fix.

 

[AnonymousBoyfriend]

In my opinion a boyfriend should talk to his girlfriend. The only way to work through this is by communication. If she is masturbating then she has a sex drive. That should be seen as very positive. However when and if this is to become a full sexual relationship, who knows?

Does she want to have sex - sometime? Or does she think she will never manage it?

I am sorry to say your own sexual frustration is academic. It wont make things any easier for her. Her body, her abuse history, her terms. Having said that you then have a choice to make about whether you can deal with it and stay by her side for the long haul. There is no quick fix.

That's for the reply. I realised my last paragraph sounded like I needed something to make it "easier", actually I wanted to know what other things I could do to make it easier for her? Sex is, for me, trust at a new level and I understand that having such a traumatic first sexual experience may have put her off the idea.

She says she is interested in sex, but my main concern is that a lot of the time the tone is like "I want to please you", not "I want to experience a new form of intimacy with you" - which is something I hope for with her. I never saw the masturbation as a positive, now I do - thanks. We have tried to have sex once or twice, but I can see her discomfort and stop.

I see a long future with her, thus my need to learn as much as I can about the way the abuse affects her and the role in I can play in making her sex life possible.

 

[Fumet]

I agree, that communication is key. Have you told her how helpless you feel?

Even if she doesn't want to talk right now, you need to make it clear that the door is very much open when she does feel ready.

Are you prepared to accept that you may never have a sexual relationship? Some couples don't, and I guess that's the bottom line. Whether you would be happy with that.

Is she having therapy for the abuse? Without it, I think there is only a very small chance of her making any sort of sustained progress.

Sadly, love does not conquer all. I'm sure she will also be hugely concerned that without sex you may leave her, that's why you need to talk. So you both know exactly where you stand, and to hear what you both expect from your relationship, and how much compromise may be necessary.