Relationship What To Do When Your Partners Fight Or Flight Triggers Your Emotional Response?

[blue_eyes18]

My partner had always been trained and reinforced over and over again through therapy that she should always have an escape plan for practically all situations. And that if she felt triggered, she should just leave and utilyze that escape plan. I couldn't agree more with this and it has helped her greatly.

Problem is, storming out and leaving is an emotional trigger for me. I'm a very calm and rational person 99.9% of the time. For some reason, this act just tears me apart when it's geared towards me, and it really hurts.

Most of the time, I'll try to initiate communication about something that is bothering me, like normal communication between couples, and then next thing I know, she gets overwhelmed, shuts down, and storms out in a panic - often times telling me we are better off breaking up in the process, as she's leaving. It's not all the time. Just when she seems to be particularly stressed, I suppose. But I never really know when the right and wrong times are to approach her and she doesn't know how to communicate it. She just does the leaving so suddenly (fight or flight, I get that) and it hurts so bad. I don't understand this side of her. The problem is that this just stabs me through the heart, and I feel abandoned and left, and I then lash out at her and react in ways I'm not comfortable with. I could almost deal with the sudden leaving if she would just take the breaking up off the table and just storm out. Then I would at least know she's coming back and could calm myself down. But at this point, I'm so conditioned to know that if she storms out, there's usually a break up coupled with it. Then she calms down and regrets it later.

The pattern usually resembles this, exactly: I try to communicate my feelings with her about something; she gets overwhelmed and panics; She cuts me off and storms out, telling me we are better off breaking up; I panic and try everything to get her to calm down and just talk to me and not do this; She inevitably leaves anyway, and I feel devistated and abandoned, and then react by messaging her and telling her that she really crushed me and how could she do that to me when I was just expressing my feelings, etc; she feels I'm attacking her; we don't speak for a week until we've both licked our wounds and have had time to realize the other didn't intend to hurt the other.

But the storming out, whether intentional or not, is KILLING me. And it's pretty much ruined our relationship. And it's reinforced so many different times not to ever express my feelings. That if I do, this exact cycle will happen. But how can two people ever be healthy together if they can't openly talk about their feelings?

She says normally she can work through the panic in her head, but sometimes she just can't, and it over takes her and she just reacts. It's hard for her because it's been so ingrained into her head through therapy to just leave when she feels panicked. But that's not conducive to a healthy relationship when you're just trying to communicate. And this is an emotional trigger for me. It makes me respond in a way I hate and am completely uncomfortable with when I am the person this fight or flight is directed towards. This response of hers towards me has deeply hurt me on many occasions. I don't know how to handle it. Any suggestions? Can it ever stop? And at this point, has there already been too much damage?

 

[scout86]

My therapist has a bunch of suggested rules for relationships. He says it's fine for either partner to call a "time out" and, for example, walk out of the room. BUT, that same person needs to specify when it's going to be "time back in", because walking out is a chance to cool off and calm down, not a way to run from the issue.

I'm not so sure I like the "leave in the face of panic" idea. I think "think in the face of panic" would be better. Because that's what's really needed. You need to train yourself to recognize the "fight/flight" response, then pause so the higher centers of your brain kick in and you can think things through.

So, have you told her how you feel when this happens? How did she respond to learning how you feel? Does she see that this is a problem? Is she looking for a better approach too? I think the 2 of you can change how you're doing this, but you both need to be willing to work on it.

I guess I'd start by talking about a plan, sometime when things are calm and good, and go from there. You BOTH probably need to learn to engage your cognitive brains in these situations rather than just reacting. Out of curiosity, have you ever talked about what "normal communication" looks like to the 2 of you? It might be worth talking about that, because maybe you have different ideas about what "normal" is or what "communication" is. Be sure you're on the same page, work out a plan in advance of how you want to handle things. One thing I'm sure of, continuing to do the same old thing generally produces the same old reactions.

 

[joeylittle]

He says it's fine for either partner to call a "time out" and, for example, walk out of the room. BUT, that same person needs to specify when it's going to be "time back in", because walking out is a chance to cool off and calm down, not a way to run from the issue.

This is a great concept. @blue_eyes18, I might suggest that you talk to her about giving this a try - she is probably familiar enough with her panic to know how long it takes her to regulate. What seems most important is introducing the idea that the conversation will continue eventually, even if it's tomorrow, or the day after.

And you get to practice deep breathing and not taking on her heightened response.

You can use the time-out rule too!

 

[blue_eyes18]

"So, have you told her how you feel when this happens? How did she respond to learning how you feel? Does she see that this is a problem?"

Actually, that's what the conversation was about - how it makes me feel. I was trying to have a serious talk about how I'm beginning to feel insecure in our relationship because of the way we deal with conflict. That I'm insecure about how she runs out and leaves me and how much it has taken a toll on me. I made sure to phrase it in a way where she knew I wasn't blaming her. Just that I needed things to change and how it has made me feel over the course of time. And that's when she bolted. She just couldn't handle it and then literally ran out of my house breaking up with me.

Then I sent her the string of messages the next day that only made her angrier and hurt things even more. We then went over a week no contact until she called me yesterday and spoke to me calmly about what happened. She profusely apologized and said she can't take it back and was incredibly sorry for how she had reacted. She said it was the combination of alcohol (apparently she had more than the glass of wine I'd had) and outside stressors with her family that made her react in a way she's learned otherwise. She said if it were other circumstances, she wouldn't have responded like that. That it wasn't an excuse. That there were no excuses. But those were the factors. But how many times can I walk on eggshells? :/ I'm so hurt at this point and fear nothing will ever change.

I thought about laying very specific ground rules and making sure we live by them. Like a code of specific rules to make sure we don't follow down the same horrible path. But that would mean she would have to be willing to follow them and not trample all over them in the heat of the moment.

At the moment, we have currently agreed to give each other space after all the hurt that's happened. I'm still trying to get over my emotional wounds and convince myself she hasn't hurt me intentionally. Get myself together, basically. And she's regrouping at the moment, also. We both agreed we love each other but hate what we are doing to each other. And how much we tear each other apart. We aren't together at the moment. We don't know if we are going to fix this at this point. So much damage has been done.

 

[blue_eyes18]

Joeylittle,

That's wonderful advice. In theory, it's great. We actually tried to impliment that very thing on many different occasions. She would tell me if she needed some time to relax and when we would pick back up on our conversation. It worked for us. That gave me peace of mind she wasn't just running away and it gave her time to regroup. But it all just went out the window again.

 

[blue_eyes18]

At what point has too much damage taken place to be salvageable?

 

[joeylittle]

I think, at the point when you just cannot try any more. It sometimes takes more than a few rounds in the ring, though; my ex and I were attempting to salvage for a good few years before I just had to call it quits. And calling it quits started one final round of salvaging (driven by him), but I was surprised to find that I was completely emotionally neutral about the issues. I had, somewhere along the way, accepted that it was not going to get better, and that was because I needed him to change in a way that he was truly not capable of doing.

 

[blue_eyes18]

I'm starting to wonder if that's what is happening with me. And it rips my heart out. I'm stating to wonder if the change I need is something she's incapable of doing. I start to find myself thinking that it may never get better. But then I don't allow myself to think that way because I love her so damn much. And I want to believe she's capable of the change I need her to accomplish, if I just give it one more shot. I hate giving up. Especially on someone I love with all my heart and soul. But each fight is tearing me apart more and more. Each break up tears my self esteem just a little bit further. And I fear that by the time she may be ready, I'll be nothing. I'll have nothing left. That's why we agreed to give each other some space and time to nurse our wounds and focus on ourselves. I've lost myself. But I'm terrified to build myself back up only to have the same exact cycle happen all over again. I fear I'm losing all hope. And I desperately don't want that.

 

[scout86]

At what point has too much damage taken place to be salvageable?

I'd say at the point where one of you decides to quit trying.

I made sure to phrase it in a way where she knew I wasn't blaming her.

(One of these days, I probably should tell my T how often I quote him. He'd probably be surprised.) One of the other things he says is "Communication is what the hearer hears, not what the speaker intends. What you said was phrased in a way that YOU thought didn't sound like you were blaming her. Do you know, for sure, what she heard?

Actually, this doesn't sound all that hopeless to me. She said her reaction was mostly because of other stuff. Good that she knows that! Now, maybe she needs to learn when to tell YOU that there's "other stuff". Not a good time for a serious conversation, is it? And, she might be well advised to avoid alcohol. Great stuff, but can get you into trouble. It tends to impair the shift to those higher functioning brain parts. Sounds like the major problem with that conversation was bad timing. I would think you could try it again at a better time.

I just read your last post. What change is it, exactly, that you need from her? If you have it figured out, you should probably ask her, directly, if she thinks it's possible and what does she think she'd need to be able to make it. Would you be willing to accept "progress" instead of immediate change?

 

[blue_eyes18]

I guess the change I need from her is to not have this happen again. This, meaning, no more stomping out and breaking up with me when I just try to communicate how I feel. It's terrified me into silence. I don't speak my mind or emotions ever now, for fear of consequences. And that's so unhealthy, and not the relationship I want. And I can't handle the emotional repercussions of her storming out and breaking up with me again. My heart can't handle it anymore. It's happened so many times. It takes so much out of me every time it happens. And I have NO idea how to stop it. Once she starts the flight, I'm just along for the ride and not a single thing I can do to stop it. I'm completely helpless, while I have to sit by and watch her throw our relationship out the window. It's honestly traumatized me in my own way. That helpless feeling is terrible for me.

In a way, I should have known it was a bad time for me to bring it up. I should have known she was stressed. But it's so hard having a relationship that has to be based completely around another persons feelings. If I'm upset, I just want to be able to be upset for a change, without having to check with my partner first to see if it's okay with her.

I love her. I do with my whole heart. I really do. I just need this destructive pattern to stop. I can't take any more.

 

[blue_eyes18]

I would definitely be willing to accept progress. I've stood by her this long. I just need to see progress.

 

[blue_eyes18]

Maybe this is a dumb question, but how does talking about a problem in your relationship trigger the fight or flight response? I get the stress cup and all that. But how does that happen? - that me talking about our relationship makes her sometimes feel the need to run away. I can't wrap my head around how merely talking can do that.