Childhood What to make of that one memory?

[GuyBloke]

Alongside everything else that's happened I've been dealing with this one memory:

When I was little (9-11 years old maybe?) I was at my grandparents house for a few nights, I was brushing my teeth before going to bed and while brushing my grandma insisted on going to the toilet while I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth. Compared to the other thing I posted here, the other things I've remembered since posting it and the whole host of stories I've heard from this site, it doesn't sound like a big deal. But I wouldn't dream of taking a piss in front of a ten year old, let alone then trying to get that ten year old to watch me.

I know this isn't anything traumatic or PTSD worthy, but I still remember the trying to brush my teeth despite the grandparent trying to talk with me (I remember it as her trying to keep my attention while I balanced between turning to talk to her without looking at her privates). Despite this I have no reason to think my grandparents were anyone abusive or anyone to be concerned about, especially compared to stories of CSA involving family, but then this one memory sticks with me that I know happened, but just reverted to my habit of burying it alongside the rest of my problems.

Maybe I'm thinking about these things now because of Corona lockdown, and most of my family is worried for those grandparents, but is there any context I can look in this memory in? Like I was over sheltered from things like this and out in East Europe/ Ireland/Rural countries this is normal and I'm making going to the toilet sexual? What would be a good way to look at this memory without swinging between either 'you're messed in the head for seeing it that way!' or 'You were abused and should judge your grandparent for it!'

 

[RubyBlue]

I don’t know that you have to pick a side for it per say. Sometimes trying to label something makes the situation way more complicated in our brains. But, if I were in that situation- I would at the very least be incredibly uncomfortable and unsure how to act. I would also, as an adult, be trying to figure out the motives behind the action. *But* might drive myself crazy in doing so. I wouldn’t try to just glaze over this since it clearly bothers you, and for good reason. But I don’t think I would necessarily demonize that grandparent over it either, if that makes sense? Unless of course there is way more there and this wasn’t a one off awkward as hell situation.

 

[Ronin]

I think trying to take a piss near a child itself may not be problematic at all... (People drink and eat and do other super human stuff like that. Needs don't stop just with small other people around. ;) )

Trying to get them to watch would be the problematic part.

As in 2 different things conflated into one Eww.

 

[EmmaOwl]

Trying to get them to watch would be the problematic part..... Eww

Agreed!

I know I remember feeling lucky to have an "extra" half bath... That makes me sound so old. I'm only 40! LOL But I have a completely different idea about privacy since that half bath was converted to a whole when I was about 7 so. I am NOT into 2 people in the bathroom at the same time though I know I've seen it in random movies or sitcoms. Like the show "New Girl." If any of my male roommates popped into the bathroom when I was in my 20s... well thank goodness that never happened to me. The main character seems totally cool with it! They especially like to all brush their teeth together. This happens in, say, Paul Rudd movies, if you're into that kind of thing.

If it makes you feel better, whenever that happens onscreen, I cringe and sometimes comment loudly to whoever else may or may not be in the room. "Who DOES that???" And people look at me and say "Well I've done that."
So. Stuff happens.

You know what it is? Women do it. That is your explanation. Women hang out in bathrooms together. I am one, and I still think it's weird as hell but it happens and I just noticed your screenname. That might change your perception. She was thinking of you as a "kid", not a "man" or a "woman." Definitely not an adult. I'm sorry you were put in that uncomfortable situation. I know that many women do this in a completely non-sexualized way. I'm so sorry you were confused about that!! Especially because of your past. Think of that, too - maybe she did not know you had trauma, so she wasn't thinking about "boundaries." Maybe she thought of you as a child at the time, when you were actually more of an adolescent.

I think you are getting at the answer and maybe it is just highlighted in your stressed out mind right now. I'm saying all of this with the understanding that this woman was not involved in your abuse! That would be a gamechanger. I'm pretty sure this is a "women and chlidren" situation, and very sadly maybe you were kind of programmed to think of it in a certain negative way. I know it was mortifying but I honestly think it may have been innocent in this one very specific case.

No matter what it is, I hope you get it out of your head! I hate when one vivid memory starts nagging at me.

 

[Tinyflame]

Was there only one bathroom? And/ or was she kind of wrapped up in her one world/ used to doing what she wanted when she wanted, not overly aware or considerate of others' needs?

 

[Sideways]

I don't have kids.

But there's been...situations...growing up, where I've had to remind my mum or nan to not do that in front of me, or look away and shield eyes, etc.

From their perspective, when you have a little kid you're looking after, up to a certain age you have to do a lot of that stuff in front of them in a whole load of situations. Go to a shopping centre? Restaurant? Camping? Etc. They gotta pee in front of you to keep an eye on you.

And since they've seen it all before (and had to clean it up!) as far as your body goes? I can understand why that wouldn't register as an issue for them.

People have wildly different expectations as to what's normal with bathroom etiquette. One share house I lived in, one of the guys never paused a conversation just because he was going to the loo - he'd just keep talking, through the door. Or worse, on the phone, while he was doing his business.

Disturbing, burned into my memory type stuff. But also usually innocent I think.

 

[Movingforward10]

My mum was always going to the toilet with the door open. And walking round semi clothed or naked. I think she just saw us kids (at all ages - she still does this) as extensions of herself and never ever ever thinks about bodily autonomy. I get overwhelmed with it. It has always always always made me feel uncomfortable. It has never felt like it is someone who is just comfortable with their body being a free spirit and being naked. Because that is sooooo not her personality. It has always felt somehow different. Not sexualised. Not sexually motivated. But dominant and oppressive and odd. I can't describe it.

Don't know if that helps you? Only you know your feelings and responses to it. I think trust your responses. Her reason for doing that may be rooted in so many reasons, but you are left with your feelings.