What To Say To Unhelpful Friends/Family

[Marlene]

I want to tell everyone, "Go through what I've been through for the last 8 years, and let me know how you make out with that. Until then, shut your f'in pie-hole!!!

I know that feeling well!

Lisa

 

[Shoka]

There's no easy answer for this one. There may be many reasons why people surrounding PTSD sufferers don't get it. All of those reasons are out of a sufferer's control. The vast majority of my sufferer's family, doesn't "buy it" (meaning PTSD), and believe he is going through a mid-life crisis. I think they are in denial as it's easier to come up with these other explanations rather than learn about the disorder, and in his case, how long it has been affecting the family.

He wants to drag them all to a therapy session, but I just don't think it's going to help the way he hopes. As a result of all of this denial, my sufferer's therapist has recommended lessening the amount of time he spends with his family until he can have a little more time understanding the disorder himself.

This forum is a fantastic resource, and I think anyone who wants to learn about the disorder should be directed here. There are so many meaningful posts, and a person can learn/read at their own comfort level.

Even as a carer, you realize that most people don't get PTSD. They mean well with the advice they give, but one has to remember that their perspective is limited. It's important for both sufferer and carers to have a support system of people who do understand the complexitites of the disorder.

Shoka

 

[louisa]

Hi Anon222,

I know that 'Cherryblossom' referred you to the useful thread that details the reponses we have to suffer from friends and relatives regarding our PTSD. I find this thread really useful myself and although it's sad - it makes me laugh, which is good! So I often look at it.

You may hear conflicting advice on this forum. Perhaps, because we are all different and must deal with things differently - I'm not sure. For instance some people can hold down a job while others can't. Some people seem to be able to maintain a relationship with a partner while, again, others can't. I myself have ended up isolating myself from family and friends due to their ignorance, and also find it alarming that they don't even bother to look up the symptoms of PTSD. And I can't yet date - I did agree to go on two dates but it was a disaster.

Keep visiting this website. It can be helpful (although sometimes triggering) when there is no one around you that understands,

Best wishes,
Louisa

 

[Nicolette]

Without having the time to read this whole thread it did catch my interest.

My two bits worth, from watching my family with my sister, and first hand experience are:

• Ignorance is bliss....some people don't want to understand as it may make them have to face their own reality. By this I mean if the Offender to the Sufferer was a family member then understanding and accepting would mean them having to admit their wrong doings and possibly face the consequences of their doings
• Some people do not have the capacity to feel for others or have compassion (Can sometimes be referred to as selfishness)
• It is not until someone has walked a mile in your shoes can they ever understand you
• Denial/dismissive is a bit like my ignorance point above. If they brush off and minimise a Sufferer's position they then don't have to take anything on board even if that simply means empathy as a minimum.

As to what to say to these people....... I don't think you can really say anything unless they are willing to hear what you are saying! I have heard a therapist say it is healing to confront these people with your feelings (family/friends) if they are the Offender however that will only change things for you and not for them.

 

[sigh]

Oh, Nicolette, I think that was the smartest thing I've ever read. I am really struggling with not telling people because they are so dismissive and don't understand. It's one thing to say it, it's quite another to do it.

I think it takes strength, fortitude, and perseverance to get through times like these. I would guess that everyone has had some point with some person where they've had to "draw back." Don't be worried about the time factor, none of this is going to happen overnight. And making change in yourself, as well, is a factor. Not telling the people who you once trusted and confided in. It's like who are you going to talk to. I find this whole experience very lonely. I have two people in my life who know what happened and don't judge me for it, everyone else, including my bf, just want me to get on with it.

I will pretend to have gotten on with it. I will not tell them anything and not be mad when they don't know. I can't handle their reactions, and they obviously can't handle the truth. I have to be responsible as an adult, not snarky like a child when I feel petulant and ugly.

I am just sharing this in first person because I can only speak for myself. I cannot say what's best for anyone except me. I can only give advice in the form of relating an experience.

s.

 

[anthony]

What To Say To Unhelpful Friends/Family

I used to just tell them to f*ck off... actually, I still tell them the same thing. If they are a negative in my life, they are not part of my life.

 

[becvan]

I used to just tell them to f*ck off... actually, I still tell them the same thing. If they are a negative in my life, they are not part of my life.

Agreed. If someone is dismissive or ignorant towards me, then they just aren't welcome in my life anymore and this includes family. None of us has time for these stupid games. Life is too short.

bec

 

[tgrl]

I've had a lot of experience with people who don't understand PTSD, and make comments that feel awful.

I've spent years advising other friends with PTSD, whom I consider to be almost the only friends I can confide in.

What I've found, is that it's almost impossible to garner sympathy and understanding from others who have not exprienced extreme trauma. Some people try to understand, but even those people just don't cut it. It makes you feel as if you live in a society of stepford people and you're the only one who's understanding and normal.

I advise my friends with PTSD to talk with a regular counselor about their problems so they don't have to discuss it with friends who will never understand. I advise them to only discuss with "non trauma understanding" friends, interests and regular life things with which those friends can relate.

It's best to also have an understanding of "non trauma" people. Try not to blame them, and feel hurt by their comments. It's not their fault that they do not understand, and it's a regular task I undertake to try and remind myself of that everyday, and forgive them everyday, and be a good friend to them also by not overwhelming them with my problems with which they cannot understand. There is too much competition out there, they can find too many other "normal" people to befriend. You don't want to lose all of your frienships thinking your friends shoud be your permanent and totally understanding councelors, because it's asking the impossible of them, and it's unrealistic.

 

[teknisa]

I have recently dealt with this as well. I was diagnosed only 5 months ago after 20 years of suffering and not even knowing what was wrong with me. My parents have been less than helpful. My mother is in extreme denial The sad part is that my parents are a part of the root problem as I have suffered much emotional abuse from them and they have no clue.

I've learned that I have the right to do what I chose to do for myself. The ONLY person I hold any obligation to is my husband. I've stopped talking to my parents and sister all together because they are less than supportive in trying to understand. It's worse because they deny what they've done to me aside from other abuse from other people.

I've learned that the people who can't be supportive of me as a human being and a person trapped by ptsd arn't worthy enough for me to put any effort into them.

Be selfish for once and strengthen you. Don't waste your energy on people who will bring you down, because you can rise above that and become stronger than anyone who is unwiling to be humble and judge others before judging themselves. Freewill gives you the freedom of choice. Listen to your gut, to your soul.