tphillips117
Silver Member
Life is getting interesting...
Ever watched Cast Away?, you know with Wilson the volleyball that Tom Hanks used to not feel isolated and alone? I had something like that. It was a white cotton ball in a mayonnaise jar filled with water. I secretly hid it under the bathroom sink after I stole the jar from the fridge, washed out the mayonnaise, and snuck into the bathroom like I had just stolen a million dollars from the bank vault. I needed someone to talk to, and at that time in my life, I desperately wanted a fish. At first, it was just a cotton ball in water, nothing special. But over time, my head found a way to make this white cotton ball, the goldfish of my dreams. I would no longer see white at all, I saw exactly what I wanted to see. And the more real it became, the more nervous, terrified and protective I became of my jar. Eventually, mom found it and yelled at me for stealing the jar, and dumped my fish in the toilet, to which I was devastated! This was one of the times the paddle with my name on it, got used on me.
After that, I would have this recurring dream of floating through the house every night. I would hear people talking but no one saw me. I was invisible and I had this dream over and over and over. I couldn't make it go away. No matter what I did or didn't do, I was nonexistent and the dream persisted.
So today, I decided to go to Target. I've been having trouble leaving the house but I did. And I've been having a really hard time trying to stay in the moment. I drove to target--don't recall that. I got out of my car--don't recall that either. But what I do recall is what happened next and I'm so embarrassed and humiliated by it, that I second guess sharing it, but here it goes. I was in the pain relief isle looking for Tylenol for my kids. I had a cart although I didn't need one, but there it was. And this lady bumped into my leg by accident and she looks right at me and she says "excuse me. I'm so sorry". Perfectly appropriate response. To which, I'm fairly certain I said out loud "oh my God, she can see me?!" I did not even know that I was visible--like I existed. The next thing I know I'm sitting in the isle with my cart just crying--crying like I cannot stop. And she thinks she did something horrible and I'm reminded that I'm alive. I didn't want to be alive. I wanted to be somewhere else and I couldn't even manage that. Before I knew it, I was surrounded on all sides with well meaning people whom I needed to get away from as soon as possible and so I got up and left. I didn't say anything to anyone-which I'm sure validated in their minds that this lady is crazy. I hope there wasn't anyone I know there. This has happened to me before, although I didn't break down in the isle and I didn't feel dead either. It hasn't happened in a really long time, and at that time I chalked it up to lack of sleep.
This time, I chalk it up to "what the hell WAS THAT!?" These are the sort of experiences that I have where I feel completely and utterly alienated from myself and from others. Where you start feeling like you are not even human at all. Like a body and mind on autopilot, until suddenly the red lights come on and the alarms are blaring and you are in critical action status.
I came home, said nothing to no one and I'm pretending like this never happened today. It'll be a cold day in hell before I show my face at target again. Which may not be such a bad thing, I guess.
I'm sufficiently mortified. But utterly terrified too.
Please tell me someone knows what happened to me and can relate?
Thanks!
Ever watched Cast Away?, you know with Wilson the volleyball that Tom Hanks used to not feel isolated and alone? I had something like that. It was a white cotton ball in a mayonnaise jar filled with water. I secretly hid it under the bathroom sink after I stole the jar from the fridge, washed out the mayonnaise, and snuck into the bathroom like I had just stolen a million dollars from the bank vault. I needed someone to talk to, and at that time in my life, I desperately wanted a fish. At first, it was just a cotton ball in water, nothing special. But over time, my head found a way to make this white cotton ball, the goldfish of my dreams. I would no longer see white at all, I saw exactly what I wanted to see. And the more real it became, the more nervous, terrified and protective I became of my jar. Eventually, mom found it and yelled at me for stealing the jar, and dumped my fish in the toilet, to which I was devastated! This was one of the times the paddle with my name on it, got used on me.
After that, I would have this recurring dream of floating through the house every night. I would hear people talking but no one saw me. I was invisible and I had this dream over and over and over. I couldn't make it go away. No matter what I did or didn't do, I was nonexistent and the dream persisted.
So today, I decided to go to Target. I've been having trouble leaving the house but I did. And I've been having a really hard time trying to stay in the moment. I drove to target--don't recall that. I got out of my car--don't recall that either. But what I do recall is what happened next and I'm so embarrassed and humiliated by it, that I second guess sharing it, but here it goes. I was in the pain relief isle looking for Tylenol for my kids. I had a cart although I didn't need one, but there it was. And this lady bumped into my leg by accident and she looks right at me and she says "excuse me. I'm so sorry". Perfectly appropriate response. To which, I'm fairly certain I said out loud "oh my God, she can see me?!" I did not even know that I was visible--like I existed. The next thing I know I'm sitting in the isle with my cart just crying--crying like I cannot stop. And she thinks she did something horrible and I'm reminded that I'm alive. I didn't want to be alive. I wanted to be somewhere else and I couldn't even manage that. Before I knew it, I was surrounded on all sides with well meaning people whom I needed to get away from as soon as possible and so I got up and left. I didn't say anything to anyone-which I'm sure validated in their minds that this lady is crazy. I hope there wasn't anyone I know there. This has happened to me before, although I didn't break down in the isle and I didn't feel dead either. It hasn't happened in a really long time, and at that time I chalked it up to lack of sleep.
This time, I chalk it up to "what the hell WAS THAT!?" These are the sort of experiences that I have where I feel completely and utterly alienated from myself and from others. Where you start feeling like you are not even human at all. Like a body and mind on autopilot, until suddenly the red lights come on and the alarms are blaring and you are in critical action status.
I came home, said nothing to no one and I'm pretending like this never happened today. It'll be a cold day in hell before I show my face at target again. Which may not be such a bad thing, I guess.
I'm sufficiently mortified. But utterly terrified too.
Please tell me someone knows what happened to me and can relate?
Thanks!
