When Assertiveness Doesn't Work

[Casey_03]

I am struggling to deal with some very unpleasant family members taking over the home I have been living in (my grandma's home, so not my own). My aunt, the executor of my grandma's will, who has just arrived to handle the will, has previously declared that she would take over the home and not let anyone else live there. She seems to be making a point of showing everyone she is in charge. (She legally has no right to evict anyone, the will left the home to me and several other family members).

Anyways, I am trying to make a point of getting along with her. She used all of my tea without asking and made a mess of all my stuff in the kitchen, but I decided to let it go to avoid getting into an argument with her. But today the following happened:

I woke up to start work and made a pot of coffee for myself. I walked away for 10 minutes to tend to my baby and when I returned, my aunt was standing in front of the coffee pot making a new pot. I asked her what had happened to the fresh coffee that was in there, that i'd just made. She lied and said there was no coffee in there when she came down. I said, "That's impossible. I just brewed a fresh pot literally 10 minutes ago and came back down now to get some."

Then she admitted that she'd just dumped it out. Why? Because she said it was too strong for her. So she just dumped it. I very politely said, "In the future please don't dump out my coffee. That was fresh and I just made it, and it was the last of the coffee I had." She then got incredibly defensive and nasty, and just said, "Fine! Then I will just never drink coffee! How bout that?"

I calmly explained, "I'm not asking you to not drink coffee. I'm just asking you to please not dump out mine, because I have very little money to spend on coffee as it is."

I started to suggest that in the future, maybe I could keep my coffee (which is incredibly strong) in a separate pot, so that she can make hers (which is as weak as water) with no problems. She continued to freak out and repeat, "I just won't have coffee. I won't have coffee."

I don't understand why this had to be turned into a conflict. I wasn't rude or mean in any way. I think she was out of line to dump my coffee, especially since she must've seen it was hot and fresh and known it was mine. Ever since she arrived a few days ago, she seems to have an attitude that she can do whatever the hell she wants with other people's belongings, and take as much as she wants of their stuff, but if anyone dares to ask her to be more respectful, she is suddenly the victim.

She did go through chemotherapy a few months ago, which I am sympathetic about. But she has since been cleared and seems to be using that as an excuse to be an asshole. After she admitted that she knowingly poured out my coffee today, her excuse was, "I can't have strong coffee after cancer treatment. CANCER TREATMENT."

I just don't get it. I let her use all my stuff and as a result, I have nothing to eat. Then I work up the nerve to actually be assertive and it blows up in my face. And again I am portrayed as the asshole in this situation. It seems I can no longer use the kitchen in this house, and I have just been hiding in my room. This is not healthy for me or my kid.

 

[Casey_03]

Also -- i realize it sounds awful of me to complain about her taking my stuff, especially the tea. But she uses ALL of it without asking and then doesnt' replace it. And I now have no money whatsoever to buy new tea or coffee, and will therefore have to somehow survive on two hours of sleep a night, 14 hour work days and no caffeine. I'm barely surviving as it is.

 

[scout86]

That passive-aggressive response is kind of familiar. This is a hard battle to win.

Has the process of dealing with the will been started, through the legal system? I'm going to suggest you either get a lawyer or get yourself ready to move on. I know you shouldn't need a lawyer and that you probably can't afford one. The thing about a will is, either everyone plays nice or someone had to enforce the will. I would NOT assume that your grandmother's wishes are going to matter anywhere past where your aunt likes them.

I wouldn't spend a lot of time fretting about this being unfair. 'Fair' is something nice idea, but its application is limited to people of good will and your aunt doesn't sound like one of them.

 

[Casey_03]

I've already basically given up on getting anything from the will. My grandma did leave me some money (which I think i mentioned in another thread). But if I accept it I will lose Medicaid, and since it's only a small sum that she left me anyway, it seems stupid to accept it only to use the money for health insurance for a few months, and then have to re-apply for Medicaid. So I've already told my aunt I don't want or need anything from the will. There's no reason why she should be acting this way with me.

i am stuck in this house for now, because I can't afford to move out yet. I have been trying to minimize my contact with her by keeping a lot of my stuff in my bedroom, but I still have to use the kitchen for certain things. And it is there that she seems to be trying to prove her dominance ... I'm honestly not sure if she is just this way with me, or with everyone. I thought perhaps being assertive and direct with her would improve the situation, but it backfired.

 

[turtlemoon]

Wow. Reading this was kind of a jolt for me. That kind of response your Aunt gave you... just like my mom.

Ditto on getting legal help. Reach out to local agencies, maybe there is something out there that could help you on this. Scout86 is right in that you shouldn't hope that things will get better on their own otherwise.

Also, you need to eat and have access to food. This is your basic survival needs we are talking about. I would perhaps try speaking to her about this again, and if and when she flips remain calm. Inform her that you are not going to argue, walk away if you need to. I would then go and invest in some locks. If she is going to act this way, you do not need to feel guilty for taking measures to keep yourself fed.

But yeah... definitely get yourself a lawyer. If that house is yours, fight for it. Get your aunt out of your life any way necessary. Trust me... I lived with my mother who is just like this for 3 years trying to support her as an adult and it nearly killed me.

 

[Casey_03]

Ok there has just been a very important update to this -- my cousin (aunt's daughter) just came up to me and informed me that they will all be smoking pot here later. They being my cousin, aunt and my uncle. She said she was informing me because I have the baby and didn't want me to worry, promised they would open windows. But that doesn't seem to be enough for me. This concerns me. I really don't know how harmful pot smoke is for babies, but I imagine it's pretty bad. I also don't know how far the smoke will carry if they smoke in the basement and I am upstairs. Thoughts? This worries me and I don't know what to do.

 

[turtlemoon]

Yeah, no. Just, no. I live in a legal recreational state and am about as liberal and open minded about pot as you can get without going full on granola crunch about it.

They need to take that stuff outside. Period. Sure, it is no where near as harmful as other drugs, or tobacco for that matter. Still.... smoke around tiny baby lungs is not ok. And if you live in a state where it isn't legal, well... that is a whole other area of risk you want no part of with a small child. I would have half a mind to call the cops. Documentation about this stuff would only help you should you pursue the legal route... but I realize things are seldom black and white.

In the meanwhile, crossing my fingers and hoping you can get some space between you and them soon.

 

[scout86]

Medicaid varies from state to state, but when my mom died a couple years ago it didn't affect my MA.

On the pot? I'd be tempted to go for a drive & call the cops once the party is in full swing.

 

[anonymous]

Cops won't do anything.... Its small potatoes where they're concerned.

Speaking from experience

 

[turtlemoon]

Eh, maybe. In my hometown, they would have been all over this before they legalized medical.

Still, phoning it in means documentation. It can help.

 

[J'qel]

No pot in the house with the baby!! Is bad!

I don't normally care what adults do, but to children? Even when I smoked it was never indoors-just out of courtesy.

You need to get out of that situation for a while. Go to a friend's talk to a women's shelter, something. You can't keep living like this.

I had to deal with someone like this for an extended period and it showed me a part of myself I never want to see again. Thankfully there was no child or inheritance or other issues for me, so we eventually kicked her out.

Since you can't right now, just find somewhere else to be. This is not a healthy situation for your baby or a good situation for you. Even if it's only for a few weeks, or if you can manage to be out while they're in.