T complimented me on removing myself from negative reinforcing relationships. Yay me right? The only problem is I've not added any healthy friendships. So basically I've completely isolated. I'm still in a better place than with the bad friendships but damn I'm feeling very very alone. I don't understand where or how to find supportive healthy people. Fighting off that black pit tonight....
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I've been in your situation. I had to find new friends after I quit drugs in high school. It wasn't easy and it was pretty gradual. I would say, what are you interested in? Find a class ( like a cheap adult ed class) or volunteer somewhere you care about. If you go to places you have an interest in, chances are you will meet people who are also interested in that. Good luck and keep us posted.
KwanYingirl
Diamond Member
My only lasting relationships are with a few women who I met through my children's activities. My work friends all abandoned me when I was a whistle blower at work due to chemical contamination. That hurts like hell, we had a great group of so called friends. Now that I'm chemically sensitive no one asks me to be friends because it means they can't wear fragranced products or smoke.
When I was healthy, I met people at church that were too cliquey. Hypocrites really. I think the older I get the less interested I am in seeking out friends. After all most people have their group and its not open for new members. I've learned to accept a level of loneliness. Chit chat is boring. Dressing up is boring. I like to go to concerts and I have a friend to go with. I go to a lot of concerts.
The more activities you have the more likely you are to develop friendships.
When I was healthy, I met people at church that were too cliquey. Hypocrites really. I think the older I get the less interested I am in seeking out friends. After all most people have their group and its not open for new members. I've learned to accept a level of loneliness. Chit chat is boring. Dressing up is boring. I like to go to concerts and I have a friend to go with. I go to a lot of concerts.
The more activities you have the more likely you are to develop friendships.
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I'll keep trying activities. I joined a couple of movie groups, a scifi club, book club, and I take water color classes every now and then. I volunteer more than usual too. Been doing these kinds of things for three years. I'm pretty useless in social situations and have made no connections. That just tail spins me into not great places. But if it's the way this is done, so be it.
DogwoodTree
Platinum Member
I think a lot of it...likelihood of success...has to do with the specific group's dynamics, regardless of interest area. So like with book clubs...some will be good and will welcome new people in, and others will suck, and everything in between. Just because you like reading books doesn't guarantee that any book club will bring what you're looking for. So then you have to check out other groups until you find your "tribe".
I'm no expert at this myself...still haven't found my tribe, if that even exists for me. But...my DH is also something of an introvert (really, more of an ambivert). He does best when he has one or two groups that he really clicks with, doesn't need much one-on-one time with people, but wants to be part of a group. So a couple of years ago, he took up bike riding. His younger brother is big into it, and a buddy at church does a lot of it, too.
He joined the local biking club, and I gotta tell ya, this group rocks. It's a huge group, they divide into smaller groups for biking based on ability level (faster, slower, no-drop, that kind of thing), but everyone from top to bottom with only a few exceptions is very supportive of everyone else. Like, a guy in one of the lower-level groups had a birthday the other day. He's been a long-term member, and a whole bunch of people from all different levels showed up to celebrate his birthday after one of the weekly rides. It's exactly the kind of team atmosphere my DH thrives in.
But it's not because it's a bike group. DH's brother is part of a loose group up in his area, and they're not nearly so close or cohesive or structured. My BIL, although he's way more of an extrovert than my DH, often expresses how much he wishes he had a group like ours in his area.
So I guess my point is...if one group doesn't work, try another. It might not be an issue with you that prevents the relationships from growing. My BIL is a very friendly, outgoing person who is very likable as soon as you meet him. And even he has trouble finding connections when the group is not clicking well.
I'm no expert at this myself...still haven't found my tribe, if that even exists for me. But...my DH is also something of an introvert (really, more of an ambivert). He does best when he has one or two groups that he really clicks with, doesn't need much one-on-one time with people, but wants to be part of a group. So a couple of years ago, he took up bike riding. His younger brother is big into it, and a buddy at church does a lot of it, too.
He joined the local biking club, and I gotta tell ya, this group rocks. It's a huge group, they divide into smaller groups for biking based on ability level (faster, slower, no-drop, that kind of thing), but everyone from top to bottom with only a few exceptions is very supportive of everyone else. Like, a guy in one of the lower-level groups had a birthday the other day. He's been a long-term member, and a whole bunch of people from all different levels showed up to celebrate his birthday after one of the weekly rides. It's exactly the kind of team atmosphere my DH thrives in.
But it's not because it's a bike group. DH's brother is part of a loose group up in his area, and they're not nearly so close or cohesive or structured. My BIL, although he's way more of an extrovert than my DH, often expresses how much he wishes he had a group like ours in his area.
So I guess my point is...if one group doesn't work, try another. It might not be an issue with you that prevents the relationships from growing. My BIL is a very friendly, outgoing person who is very likable as soon as you meet him. And even he has trouble finding connections when the group is not clicking well.
The Albatross
VIP Member
Sometimes I "switch" away from personal need to being present and mindful of "opportunities" as/when/if the situations present themselves. If I'm coming from a place of personal need... eh, attract the wrong people. If I'm self actualizing from a place of self sustaining/sustenance... though lonely... I seem to attract in opportunities with people more balanced. Just food for thought.
falling_wave
Platinum Member
That is good! I've been in that same situation recently so I can relate with the struggle. The thing is when you let go of a negative relationship and all the energy and time put into it you open a new energy that allows for different kind of relationships. You don't need to go crazy looking for it. Just don't sit at home all the time. Take a walk, sit at a coffee shop, hang out at the beach or park, maybe take a class, go to a meetup..but try to trust that it will happen. Find the things you were not doing that you liked doing because of the negative relationship. Do that and work on you. When you feel stronger you attract the right kind of people. I'm in the same boat working hard right along with you. Good luck!
DogwoodTree
Platinum Member
This is what I've hit on from time to time, and it does work for me way more than I've would've expected. But I hadn't really clarified in my head yet what it was I was doing, so this helps a lot, thx.
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