Why Am I Getting This Reaction From Men? Is This A Male Thing? Insight Would Be Great.

[PerfectlyFlawed]

Why do men, (I say men, because this is the reaction I get from men when talking about domestic violence and SA) ignore or don't reply when I bring topics up?

A male friend asked me what I wanted to do with my life, and i say "I want to help crime victims, I want to volunteer as a rape crisis counselor" I get no response, just a blank stare.

Recently, I told a male teacher (who is a policeman) through email, how I was recently attacked. (I did not tell him it was attempted r*pe) I just told him I had whiplash and bruises on my neck, and I was scared to go to the police. he does not reply.

Why do men act like this? Some insight because I am beating myself up over being ignored.

 

[timetorecover]

I would imagine that it is that they feel uncomfortable. Our trauma Group is female only as the hospital feels that people do not feel easy talking to the opposite sex about sexual abuse.

Do not beat yourself up, be kind to yourself. Choose who you share with and don't expect from people and then you will not get let down.

I hope that you are well and safe and healing your traumas. xxx

 

[Zipperhead]

I agree, men do find the whole topic uncomfortable. And I wouldn't let your friends reaction bother you. The police officer / teacher however is an authority figure, and he should know better than to ignore someone who is reacting out.

Having said that, don't be afraid to go to the police. They can't help you if they don't know. Gather your support around you and report the incident through official channels. And you might mention that you had already reported the incident by e-mail, which was ignored.

A man who responded,

Zip

 

[Srain]

You can always ask why they so quiet.

I see nothing wrong with asking question, in fact, it's the not asking that tends to lead me into places I probably should not be. If I can't ask then there is usually a problem. My husband doesn't know what to say because he is a man of "action", when there is nothing to do then he usually just listens. I find men and women are wired a bit differently. If you need feed back on your decision or want to discuss it with your friend then you may want to let him know this so he can respond.

With PTSD I am a bit guarded and on the offense whenever the subject of rape, women's rights, child abuse, etc, comes up - therefore I tend to read silences very differently between women and men. This may or may not be the case with you, just putting it out there.

Good post.

 

[angel2write]

Maybe a fear of hurting/offending you further. I think when (good) men hear about a woman being attacked or abused, they get worried about saying the wrong thing. Saying something that would make it worse. Asking the wrong question.

They have a hard time talking about emotional stuff to begin with. This sort of thing makes it even worse.

Maybe giving some sort of cue to them of the reaction you're looking for would help. "This happened, and I need someone to talk to..." or "I need help figuring out what to do" might help with your friend.

Strangers... well, they may just not want to get involved. Seems like most people on earth feel that way. Just don't want to get their hands messy dealing with the ugly realities of life.

 

[grumpyninjaa]

I would agree that they are uncomfortable with it and have no idea what to say, afraid of saying the wrong thing. When I talk about past stuff to my boyfriend, he gets really quiet and sometimes changes the subject. I have asked him why and he says he doesn't know what to say and asks what he "should" say. It seems if i give me him a guideline of what I want out of me telling him things, he will say it. Otherwise he's lost in something he doesn't really feel he can do anything about. I imagine if it was SA I was talking about, he would be a lot more uncomfortable too.

 

[Kaii]

Men aren't generally "talkers" as much as they are "doers". They would rather figure out a solution to a problem than talk about it.

That, plus I find men are uncomfortable about discussing topics surrounding asault against women, sexual or otherwise. It makes them feel helpless because the assault has already taken place, so there isn't much they can "do" to help you. They don't realize that sometimes we just want them to listen and offer advice.

 

[freefloat]

I think at times it may also remind them of being abused similarly. How do you react when a man discloses they have been sexually abused? You probly wouldn't beacuse we are taught to never talk about it and don't. The level of shame can be so great they can't discuss it nor anything similar. That can be one reason why a male would avoid the issue.

 

[anni]

Tyler Perry and Oprah did a great kindness to men who have been abused, by bringing this to light with a couple shows and a ton of encouragement to tell their childhood stories. This isn't even off topic, since part of that was helping men be more comfortable across the board opening up to others about sexual abuse. It's a big step forward for both genders, being able to be kind enough to oneself and others, speak of these gender-crossing horrors without shame which isn't theirs in the first place.

I do think with this question it'd probably mostly be that most men would not know what to say to someone who'd been brutalized by a man, out of worrying they'd say the wrong thing or upset you. Me saying that is just redundant since others have truly said all this plus more which hadn't occured to me either.

I would like to add that I'm kind of impressed you're able to bring the subject up with men. I still am not incredibly comfortable speaking with a man one on one 20 years later. I probably allowed the avoidance to go too long so the pattern is now stuck, tougher to shift. You did not, which I'd think will result in a much better ability to interact. Even if you did not do this intentionally it was still very healthy of you, I think.

 

[SimplyComplex]

2 Thoughts...

1) Men no good at talky word thing (my husband's words). I think it isnt uncommon for men to just not respond when they don't know what to say

2) If you are getting similar responses from several sources, its fair to look at your own behavior. Are you over-sharing? Its a common misstep, I do it all the time. I grew up without boundaries afforded to me, so its hard for me to know where to stop...its really something I have to always work on and learn from.

 

[NullandVoid]

As a man, I would agree partially that, as a rule men do not want to talk about issues of abuse, because 1) It's already happened, therefore what do you want ''me'' to do/say about it. As boys, most of us were told that a man does not show any emotion in order not to appear weak, so as we get older and our view of the world is coloured by our experiences, we become the men upbringing made us.

But, it is also true that there are men ''out there'' who are very comfortable talking about issues most women assume we don't like to hear from you. Still, a happy medium can be found if you suggest topics and see where your male friends stand on these topics. The worst they can do is give you a quizzical uncomfortable look. However, never let their reaction temper what you know and what you experience. We are (for good and bad) the sum of our experiences, though they made us who we are, they do not define us. We learn from and adapt them to suit us and make us better than what others may percieve.
(Hope this makes some sense).

 

[Chris Taranta]

Dear Perfectly Flawed, I admire you taking a traumatic event and fighting it head on. I find domestic violence vile and disgusting. Female on male abuse and rape is uvery nder reported (same and opposite sex). I for one was raped by a girlfriend years ago. she didnt use physical strength, it was coersion and fear instead, Most people would not know why you would go into field. It will beat you down. I still feel for a girl who was raped by her father for several years. I couldnt get her to aapear in court and he wakked zfter small children. I pray that ove dat I will have the chance to fo to work on him with a blow torch and smelling salts