Why Can't I Keep My Head Out of the Oven?

[theshadowoftheliving]

Bad day. Scary thoughts.

I'm having trouble seeing any alternative to death. I know, intellectually, that this will pass, but I'm really having trouble today.

Its afternoon and I haven't eaten anything: voices keep telling me that I don't deserve food.

My head hurts and I can't tell if it is a switching headache or the fact that i haven't eaten or that my head has already been in the oven twice today.

I don't think I really want to die but I don't know how to manage days like this with any grace at all.

 

[HealingInProcess]

Bad day. Scary thoughts.

I'm having trouble seeing any alternative to death. I know, intellectually, that this will pass, but I'm really having trouble today.

Its afternoon and I haven't eaten anything: voices keep telling me that I don't deserve food.

My head hurts and I can't tell if it is a switching headache or the fact that i haven't eaten or that my head has already been in the oven twice today.

I don't think I really want to die but I don't know how to manage days like this with any grace at all.

It's great that you know and acknowledge that this will pass. I'm glad you recognize that. I too have had to deal with these thoughts and it goes without saying that life is worth living even through times of difficulty. Of course you deserve food and all the things a human being requires to survive. Try to do an activity to distract yourself and reach out for help without hesitation.

Might want to get out of the house as well.

 

[bellbird]

Hey, @theshadowoftheliving .
Thank you so much for reaching out to us.
I'm here with you and listening.

I'm presuming it is a gas oven?
I'm sure you are probably aware of it yourself (or at least part of you is) but what you're doing is really dangerous.
Dangerous for you and for anyone else in your house.

I understand what it's like, to feel that way.
I promise, I really do.

I also know that you deserve to know what it feels like to be content in your life.
You deserve to live. To see new things. To experience new things.

Do you think we could take some steps together?
The first one would be to turn off the oven if its still on. Maybe just check in case.
Then do you think you could get a glass of water from the tap, and perhaps something plain to eat to give you a little energy? A cracker or a piece of bread.
You do deserve food.

These thoughts you're having and the actions you're carrying out based on them are very concerning and need some treatment IRL.
Are you familiar with the phone number of the acute mental health care unit in your area? That or the emergency services?

I know treatment probably seems a terrifying prospect to you; I know because I've been there myself.
But what you're doing is really really risky and dangerous, and it is so important that you seek help IRL.

If you're not able to call the number yourself, is there anyone else around that you could explain what's been happening to, and ask that they call services instead?

Hang in there.
It does get better.

 

[digger]

Hi @theshadowoftheliving

This has been a recurring problem for you over the past few years - can you recall how you have found ways to cope with it in the past? Or have you ever been able to explore this issue with the oven any further in therapy? Do you have a therapist still that you could reach out to?

Do you think you are able to keep yourself safe right now?

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

Just an update that I'm still alive.

Ate some peanut butter and drank a glass of water.

Still haven't left the apartment but i managed to get clothes on and put my makeup on.

Are you familiar with the phone number of the acute mental health care unit in your area? That or the emergency services?

Yes, but I know I won't call it. This doesn't seem like an emergency, just this usual stupid pattern I fall into.

If you're not able to call the number yourself, is there anyone else around that you could explain what's been happening to, and ask that they call services instead?

I live alone. No one but this forum and my therapist know about the oven.

Do you have a therapist still that you could reach out to?

I do, but I can't reach out. I just can't.

Do you think you are able to keep yourself safe right now?

I have to.

 

[digger]

I do, but I can't reach out. I just can't.

I know how hard that can be. When is your next appointment? Can you remember anything that your therapist might have said in the past about this that you might be able to draw on to help you right now?
Sometimes trying to imagine what my therapist would say to me, or suggest might help, can get me back to a slightly more manageable place in a crisis when I'm unable to actually reach out to anybody.

Can you name some things you can do that might help to keep you safe?

 

[Sideways]

For me when this stuff gets really bad and overwhelming, and the rules start adding up (not allowed to eat, not allowed to get dressed, not allowed to open the front door, etc), it’s just not possible to punch a great big hole in it. There’s too much resistance that comes back from the parts that have jumped on the “I hate myself” bandwagon.

What helps me is easing back slowly, finding compromises. Like you did with the peanut butter. “I don’t deserve food...but I’ll let myself have a little peanut butter...”.

The crucial second step is to notice, once you compromised in favour of looking after yourself, that things didn’t get worse, and nothing bad happened. Eating peanut butter didn’t require you to compromise your core beliefs, or make big changes, of commit to living till you’re in your 90s. All that happened? Was you ate a bit of peanut butter.

That’s huge. And for the moment? It’s enough.

If you can start to make compromises like that? For me, things start to gain momentum reasonably quickly. Not so that things become awesome, but so I get myself out of that gawdawful headspace, back to where I can at least engage with my T about what we need to do.

So, “I’m not allowed to/don’t deserve to get dressed” could become “but I’ll put on a large shirt and some underwear...”. Stuff like that.

And, of course, using any prn medication you have available.

This isn’t weird. Some of us go through stuff like this. And we make it to the other side. You’re gonna make it to the other side as well.

 

[Justmehere]

Are your stress levels high? Or your stress cup overrunning? That’s usually the reason folks engage in one maladaptive way to cope or another... and yeah, even suicidal thoughts and actions can be a maladaptive way to cope.

I’d suggest taking some steps to make the thing you don’t want to do (stick your head in the oven) more difficult to do and pairing it with steps to cope that are more healthy, less maladaptive.

When I start giving myself rules that I deserve abuse but I can’t stop, I add rules to delay harm. Just today I required myself to walk to a bookstore, run an errand, do some basic life tasks away from the tools to harm myself, before I allowed myself to engage in that unhealthy way to cope. By the time I finished with the other options, I didn’t want to do it anymore.

If your brain is trying to make up rules, perhaps feed it a few healthy or neutral ones to delay, delay, delay.

 

[HealingInProcess]

Just checking in here. Hope things are better.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

When is your next appointment? Can you remember anything that your therapist might have said in the past about this that you might be able to draw on to help you right now?

Almost a week away. I just met with her yesterday. I think that's part of the problem - lots of stuff that's been stirred up and feeling completely alone.

For me, things start to gain momentum reasonably quickly. Not so that things become awesome, but so I get myself out of that gawdawful headspace, back to where I can at least engage with my T about what we need to do.

I'm trying. But this feels hard right now. I guess even writing here feels like a compromise.

Are your stress levels high? Or your stress cup overrunning?

Both?

If your brain is trying to make up rules, perhaps feed it a few healthy or neutral ones to delay, delay, delay.

I managed a load of laundry. It interrupted the incessant googling of "best place to kill yourself in ____". But I'm still feeling really, really vulnerable. And I still can't eat.

 

[Sideways]

But this feels hard right now.

Yep, it’s about the hardest stuff that comes up for me. The struggle with it is huge.

Do you have parts that have other opinions on how you ought to treat yourself? Their opinions are valid, if you’re able to give them some air time.

Ultimately, if you’re able to find a way to switch off, like delay tactics that @Justmehere suggested. Blah tv to help your system calm down and unwind, sleep. Get some space and time in between you and your last appointment.

And this is not at all a guilt trip - but my littles find this sort of acting out really really scary. If you’re able to send them to a safe space inside while you get some breath that can be really helpful too.

 

[Justmehere]

I managed a load of laundry. It interrupted the incessant googling of "best place to kill yourself in ____". But I'm still feeling really, really vulnerable. And I still can't eat.

That’s great you got laundry done! I know it doesn’t feel great. These spots of trying to get through each moment are really hard. Keep at it though. Can you keep down protein shakes? Milk shakes? Water? Anything? Any little amount might help fuel you for the next task.

Has your therapist talked to you about containment skills? It’s a way to put the work away after sessions. After big sessions for me, I will try to jot down a few words on a paper about the session and literally put the paper away for later. It helps my brain get back to the here and now. Some people imagine putting the session in a box at the therapist’s office. There are other containment skills as well. Symptom spikes after sessions are miserable, but they do pass. Just gotta get through. Keep up the good work!