As a carer who has had to deal with major behavioural changes in their partner for over a year, culminating in seperation (his choice) a few months ago, I thought I'd share some recent insights.
I've been seeing a psychologist for almost a year, initially (supposedly) as 'support' for my partner's PTSD, but in reality working on me being able to cope with the changes. I have training and years of experience in human behaviour, so my brain is full of all the necessary knowledge about what I "should" do. Cognitive behaviour therapy (changing beliefs) is very familiar to me both as the counsellor and as the client.
So...one would think the changes in my personal life should have been a little easier to bear. After all, I had all the information at hand, regular psychologist visits to reinforce "looking after me" as a priority and I am a smart, confident, creative human being. YET I became a bumbling, vulnerable mess and am only NOW starting to recover. Excellent at "setting the stage" for change and being assertive, I had terrible troubles following through with rational planned actions of stating my boundaries and refusing to be treated as a convenience to him.
I refreshed all my knowledge on codependence and acknowledged I'd slipped into unhealthy patterns of acceptance and victimization. I realized I had "played the game" and enabled his negative behaviours towards me.I KNEW this but couldn't stop. I got to the point of wondering if I needed medication to get over this hump. The intense sadness was a cloud that followed me daily, and I actually asked my doctor if he felt I needed anti depressants. He advised against it at that stage, saying I had reactive depression, and to work more frequently with my psychologist.
So there I was, a trained a counsellor receiving help from a trained psychologist, going steadily downhill.
Almost a year of trying to deal with the love of my life changing into someone I could no longer relate to. Someone who treated me as the enemy. And me turning into someone who accepted that label - by bowing down, by accepting blame, by trying to "fix" him and "fix" us.
At head level I had it all together. Look after myself. Set boundaries. Change belief systems. Be assertive. In practice, a blubbering mess who gave in to him within seconds.
Then something clicked. I had spent a year asking WHY my beautiful man had changed. A year of trying to push him to change BACK to the loving and creative person he had been. A year of asking WHY he treated me this way. And more recently, asking myself WHY I could not "let go" and move on, despite the fact that I had all the necessary knowledge in my head.
It was only when I changed the question to HOW can I make changes that it all started to click. Because the methods I was trying were not working. HOW immediately tells me I have no control over him. "HOW" puts the onus back onto ME. It is ME that had to make change. So what was blocking this change despite all my rational efforts? EMOTIONS.
I couldn't change the emotions attached to the relationship. And all those psychology sessions had NOT addressed this particular HOW. All that had been addressed was WHAT and WHY." Change your belief system because that's what's causing your pain."
HOW? By what method?
And so by chance I came across a documentary about Vietnam Vets who were being helped with their PTSD by EFT. Yes this "find" was as a result of my extensive research about PTSD to help my partner "fix" himself. He had started EMDR and said it was making a difference. EFT seemed to be a similar principle. I watched the trailers of this doco from the perspective of what it might do for ME. (change number one of "how" - stop the focus on others and shift it to self)
I was intrigued and researched EFT (I might add I had enormous cynicism, my training is based on problem solving which means extensive delving into issues and their "roots") I realized that my EMOTIONS were keeping me trapped. I "fiddled" with the concept. Tried it. And to my surprise it seemed to work. I enrolled in a course, got excited. The course was cancelled. I just kept researching online and kept practicing.
I'm not here to promote any particular technique at all. As Anthony states,for PTSD sufferers, a combination of healing tools are available, and the particular set of healing tools that work for one person may not work for another. I do not have PTSD. Yet like so many other carers, I was stuck under a black cloud that was destroying my passions, my hope, my ability to function at a practical level that was healthy for ME. I was stuck in a sad rut.
I am now having days of sunshine again ! The principles of EFT are simple, the technique is simple and my personal experience is best described as "breakthrough". It isn't magic, it isn't mumbo jumbo and yes it does involve commitment and practice. Having curiouser appear here on the forum with similar views has added to the thrill of finding a new way to practice "being me" again without constantly focussing on the past situation of having a loving man in my life. Reality is that he is NOT that man right now and that reality has finally begun to sink in. (to my heart...the head knew this already)
So...as coincidentally one of curiouser's recent posts states....asking WHY is not necessarily going to help carers. Asking HOW (how can I help myself) may just lead you to the start of a new journey. I've just stepped up, and it feels soooooo good to "meet up" with the old happy me again ! I'm not expecting miracles, and I know there will be days of sadness. At least now, I have the tool of "how" to deal with that emotion. And in making that change, I will be able to cease being an "enabler".
Life feels bright today :-)
I've been seeing a psychologist for almost a year, initially (supposedly) as 'support' for my partner's PTSD, but in reality working on me being able to cope with the changes. I have training and years of experience in human behaviour, so my brain is full of all the necessary knowledge about what I "should" do. Cognitive behaviour therapy (changing beliefs) is very familiar to me both as the counsellor and as the client.
So...one would think the changes in my personal life should have been a little easier to bear. After all, I had all the information at hand, regular psychologist visits to reinforce "looking after me" as a priority and I am a smart, confident, creative human being. YET I became a bumbling, vulnerable mess and am only NOW starting to recover. Excellent at "setting the stage" for change and being assertive, I had terrible troubles following through with rational planned actions of stating my boundaries and refusing to be treated as a convenience to him.
I refreshed all my knowledge on codependence and acknowledged I'd slipped into unhealthy patterns of acceptance and victimization. I realized I had "played the game" and enabled his negative behaviours towards me.I KNEW this but couldn't stop. I got to the point of wondering if I needed medication to get over this hump. The intense sadness was a cloud that followed me daily, and I actually asked my doctor if he felt I needed anti depressants. He advised against it at that stage, saying I had reactive depression, and to work more frequently with my psychologist.
So there I was, a trained a counsellor receiving help from a trained psychologist, going steadily downhill.
Almost a year of trying to deal with the love of my life changing into someone I could no longer relate to. Someone who treated me as the enemy. And me turning into someone who accepted that label - by bowing down, by accepting blame, by trying to "fix" him and "fix" us.
At head level I had it all together. Look after myself. Set boundaries. Change belief systems. Be assertive. In practice, a blubbering mess who gave in to him within seconds.
Then something clicked. I had spent a year asking WHY my beautiful man had changed. A year of trying to push him to change BACK to the loving and creative person he had been. A year of asking WHY he treated me this way. And more recently, asking myself WHY I could not "let go" and move on, despite the fact that I had all the necessary knowledge in my head.
It was only when I changed the question to HOW can I make changes that it all started to click. Because the methods I was trying were not working. HOW immediately tells me I have no control over him. "HOW" puts the onus back onto ME. It is ME that had to make change. So what was blocking this change despite all my rational efforts? EMOTIONS.
I couldn't change the emotions attached to the relationship. And all those psychology sessions had NOT addressed this particular HOW. All that had been addressed was WHAT and WHY." Change your belief system because that's what's causing your pain."
HOW? By what method?
And so by chance I came across a documentary about Vietnam Vets who were being helped with their PTSD by EFT. Yes this "find" was as a result of my extensive research about PTSD to help my partner "fix" himself. He had started EMDR and said it was making a difference. EFT seemed to be a similar principle. I watched the trailers of this doco from the perspective of what it might do for ME. (change number one of "how" - stop the focus on others and shift it to self)
I was intrigued and researched EFT (I might add I had enormous cynicism, my training is based on problem solving which means extensive delving into issues and their "roots") I realized that my EMOTIONS were keeping me trapped. I "fiddled" with the concept. Tried it. And to my surprise it seemed to work. I enrolled in a course, got excited. The course was cancelled. I just kept researching online and kept practicing.
I'm not here to promote any particular technique at all. As Anthony states,for PTSD sufferers, a combination of healing tools are available, and the particular set of healing tools that work for one person may not work for another. I do not have PTSD. Yet like so many other carers, I was stuck under a black cloud that was destroying my passions, my hope, my ability to function at a practical level that was healthy for ME. I was stuck in a sad rut.
I am now having days of sunshine again ! The principles of EFT are simple, the technique is simple and my personal experience is best described as "breakthrough". It isn't magic, it isn't mumbo jumbo and yes it does involve commitment and practice. Having curiouser appear here on the forum with similar views has added to the thrill of finding a new way to practice "being me" again without constantly focussing on the past situation of having a loving man in my life. Reality is that he is NOT that man right now and that reality has finally begun to sink in. (to my heart...the head knew this already)
So...as coincidentally one of curiouser's recent posts states....asking WHY is not necessarily going to help carers. Asking HOW (how can I help myself) may just lead you to the start of a new journey. I've just stepped up, and it feels soooooo good to "meet up" with the old happy me again ! I'm not expecting miracles, and I know there will be days of sadness. At least now, I have the tool of "how" to deal with that emotion. And in making that change, I will be able to cease being an "enabler".
Life feels bright today :-)
