Sufferer Why Me?

[jademegan]

I'm 21 years old and as of right now my life is on hold. When i was 15 i was raped. I hadn't been sexually active before that and i had no interest, i was always the outgoing one wanting to make everyone laugh rather than have a boyfriend and have sex. A girl a few years older than me wanted to be MY friend, i couldn't believe it, up until then i was the one who always initiated friendships and i always tagged along with people rather than them actually wanting to spend time with me if that makes sense. So one day this girl asked if i wanted to stay over, she had her own place and she had a young daughter so obviously id be safe... right?! Cutting to the chase, i started staying over more frequently and then one evening she said she was inviting a friend round, i didn't really question it. When he arrived it was a 32 year old man... Both my friend and this man started mocking the fact i was a virgin but i still didn't care and i laughed it off. It got late and after quietly talking to my friend the guy said he was calling one of his friends to come over. I heard him say 'i have a girl here for you...'

The man arrived and sat next to me on the sofa, he too was much older than me (29) and i wasn't comfortable him sitting so close to me so i moved to the other side of the room, they brought me a drink (non alcoholic) and after drinking it i started to relax.. i must have blacked out at some point becase the next thing i remember was being back on the sofa with this man kissing me???? why is he kissing me???? i kept blacking out and each time i came round i was more and more confused.. i woudl open my eyes and i would see all 3 faces, why was my friend laughing at me with these men?? why was he on top of me? everything clicked, i was having sex? i blacked out again and when i next opened my eyes i could hear someone screaming for help and saying 'please get off me, i wont tell anyone just please it hurts' i realised it was my own sobbing voice that i was hearing. The man was wearing a white tshirt when he raped me and he was so violent with me he was covered with my blood. He didn't care, my friend didn't care. The pain was excrutiating and i blacked out again, the next time i came round i was completely naked but they were all trying to dress me, the other man was just staring at me, had he raped me too?? I dont know what happened after that but the next morning i woke up on the sofa my underwear was missing but i had jeans and a tshirt on, i had bruises all over my body and was in so much pain, i went to the bathroom and was still bleeding.. was this the normal way to lose your virginity?? at that point i didn't realised i had been raped so for a long time i had this delusion that i had sex but didn't like it so didn't want to do it again.

Years passed and i couldn't hold down any relationships because they ended up wanting to have sex, i lost all my confidence and all my friends. I had counselling and finally realised i had been raped. To this day i don't leave my house, i don't have any friends, my family are my life line, without them i wouldn't be here today.

My heart hurts and i'm grieving for my teen years that i lost to these monsters, i'm grieving for my virginity, the most sacred thing we have is our bodies and mine was violated in the worst way, i don't know what the point of this post is, i have never before said any of this, i don't even know if anyone will read it. My heart doesn't feel so heavy now..

 

[Suzetig]

I have read it, what happened to you was very wrong. You had the right to be safe with people you trusted and they let you down badly - I'm not surprised you've been struggling. You said you haven't written it down before now, does anyone in your life know you were raped? Have you got any support or are you seeing a therapist?

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome to the forum. :hug:

 

[jademegan]

I have read it, what happened to you was very wrong. You had the right to be safe with people you trust...

Yes, my family know. I haven't written it down before for anyone else to read, ive always been too ashamed :(

 

[jademegan]

I have read it, what happened to you was very wrong. You had the right to be safe with people you trust...

I'm not currently seeing a therapist, in the past ive had 3 different therapists but right now the doctors have put me on a high dose of anti depressents and just left me to deal with it

 

[Richie]

there is nothing for you to feel ashamed about. The only thing you did wrong was make a mistake with trust. It does sound like you doctor has something to answer to though. Throwing pills at a problem does not solve it

 

[EveHarrington]

I agree, you have nothing to feel ashamed about. I know saying this doesn't make the shame go away but sometimes it helps to hear this from an outside perspective. I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I think you'll find that there is much support here on the forum. :hug:

 

[jademegan]

there is nothing for you to feel ashamed about. The only thing you did wrong was make a mistake with tru...

thankyou, yes my doctor doesnt seem to

there is nothing for you to feel ashamed about. The only thing you did wrong was make a mistake with tru...

thankyou yes I know no one seems to care

 

[jademegan]

I agree, you have nothing to feel ashamed about. I know saying this doesn't make the shame go awa...

Thank you so much xx

 

[Richie]

thankyou, yes my doctor doesnt seem to

thankyou yes I know no one seems to care

that is the problem with doctors. They know little about psychology and seem to rely too much on chemistry. Pills may temporarily relieve a psychological problem but I personally have little faith in their ability to resolve a problem.
I would insist on a referral and keep doing so until you find a therapist who actually helps you. This forum seems to show that you can go through a few therapists before you find one that you connect with so don't give up on one or two and dont settle for second best. Keep trying!

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I strongly recommend you contact your nearest rape crisis centre they've been really helpful to me. They offer so much and are so understanding and supportive I never felt like I was forced to talk about it. The one near me has craft groups, yoga groups, alternative therapies and straight up one to one counselling.

I too felt let down by my GP just throw antidepressants at me and leave me to it. And the therapy offered by the NHS did more harm than good. The therapist I talk to now is through a charity for trauma survivors and it cost me nothing she has been so helpful, I don't know what I'd do without her The best mental health services I've found in the U.K. Have been through charities like rape crisis and the one my therapist works for. Maybe there's something in your area worth looking into? You've survived so much, you are so strong people don't realise the torture we go through on a daily basis, but us here in this forum we know. I know how strong you are even when you don't think you are you are. :hug:s if you accept them.

 

[jademegan]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I strongly recommend you contact your nearest rape crisis c...

Thank you so much for your message, it's easy to feel alone but on here people have shown so much kindness.. I'm not sure if there's anything like that round here but I will definitely look into that! My doctor has just put me on a repeat prescription of 200mg of sertraline and that's it. I was seeing a counsellor last year but after having a panic attack and missing one appointment they discharged me and never offered anymore help. Thanks for the hug xx