Childhood Why was I here at all?

[deno]

That’s the question that showed up today. Not for the first time. But this time, it landed harder.

A few hours ago, I couldn’t connect to why I exist, why I was born into a family that treated me like I didn’t matter. Why I walked through a professional life where people seemed to line up to tear me down. Why I become the target of so many when all I wanted was to contribute, to connect, to be a decent human being? How does one person attract so much cruelty? It doesn’t make sense—unless you look at it differently.

Maybe the truth is, I didn’t attract them. I exposed them. Just by existing. By being different. By not playing their games. By carrying integrity and not backing down. That’s what they couldn’t stand.

I used to look at my life and think, Why me? But maybe the better question now is, why not me? Maybe I was given sight and strength...not for suffering, but for clarity. So that I could see the patterns, feel the wounds, and refuse to pass them on. I don’t think I was born to suffer. I think I was born to stop the cycle. To break the chain. To survive what others buried and walk out with the truth.

So if you're like me, lost in your head some days, wondering what your purpose is after the damage, just know this: Survival is purpose. Healing is resistance. And peace, when you’ve had none, is transforming.

 

[Susan Jane]

I understand this, being stuck in the cycle of this. I have had peace for 3 days, and today I am spinning in it. I don‘t ask why me anymore, it doesn‘t change anything. I have accepted it. However, after three good days, it is hard to be stuck. I agree about being the one nit to pass this on… My son is the beginning of a new healthy family, and I am glad I helped turn it around Peace is my ultimate goal for myself, getting there is a challenge

 

[deno]

What you shared means a lot. I really felt your words—how peace can be here for a moment, then suddenly feel out of reach again. I’m learning that even those short stretches of peace are something sacred. They remind us of where we’re going, not just where we’ve been.

And I love what you said about your son being the beginning of a healthy family. That’s the kind of quiet legacy most people don’t even see—but it’s powerful. You’ve already changed the future just by doing the work, even when it’s hard. That gives me hope, too.

Here’s to holding onto those three days, and trusting that more are coming

 

[Susan Jane]

I feel the same Deno, what you share means a lot too. Finding the right people to be opened with, is not easy. I guess the internet did something good besides just stressing everyone more . I have never explained my struggles to anyone besides a small amount to my therapists. Even then I was skeptical of telling the truth. I am on a train going home from a friend right now. I went to visit, as I feel safe with her and her husband. I told them about a month ago about my struggles and they didn‘t turn away, they said we are here. No they don‘t understand completely, but, they said we will try and help. We have know each other for 26 years and before now I hid my self. They only know a strong woman who raised her son alone.

This morning, I went into a brain fog at breakfast. My feelings were screaming …please don‘t leave me, I am so f*cking scared. I knew it was my traumatized self. I got up and slowly walked to the shower and talked myself down, with compassion for my inner self. At the station I could hardly find my way… although I have been in this small town station many times. My insides screamed I am scared ! and my body was warm and I put on dark glasses.

I have calmed a bit, I feel like an adult again, and my hope has returned. I will get back home. I can see my son for a couple of hours without crying. I will go to my new therapist and then finally I can go home and be alone, probably exhausted, but safe.

I have these strenuous mental exercises daily at the moment. I haven‘t lost hope and yes I am scared, but I have survived so much, I cannot give up now . We are both going to get through this Deno we just are! . Susan

 

[deno]

Your words were a comforting hand on my shoulder. Thank you. I deeply admire the way you spoke to yourself in that moment with such tenderness and strength. It’s not easy to walk through fear like that and still choose hope. And to share it here? That’s courage.

It struck me when you said you’d never really explained your struggles before...how much of ourselves we hide, even from those who’ve known us for decades. I relate to that more than I can say. But I’m also learning that the right people don’t turn away. They lean in, like your friends did. Like you're doing here.

You’re right. We are going to get through this. Exhausted, maybe—but not alone.

 

[Susan Jane]

Your words were a comforting hand on my shoulder. Thank you. I deeply admire the way you spoke to yourself in that moment with such tenderness and strength. It’s not easy to walk through fear like that and still choose hope. And to share it here? That’s courage.

It struck me when you said you’d never really explained your struggles before...how much of ourselves we hide, even from those who’ve known us for decades. I relate to that more than I can say. But I’m also learning that the right people don’t turn away. They lean in, like your friends did. Like you're doing here.

You’re right. We are going to get through this. Exhausted, maybe—but not alone.

Hope comes and goes, but getting through is the key. Reaching out for understanding again. I have been working on myself, functioning better but wow it is exhausting …I am struggling, but well I don’t want to figure it out, just accept it. Is there peace from this? So darn tired