Will Therapy Ever Be Safe?

[Jane.l]

It might be better to wait till you are in therapy - I have all sorts of weird reactions to words and also a lot of self soothing concepts - if you are struggling with self hate - self compassion is very alien !

Your brain is trying to protect you - last time you tried therapy you had a bad experience - your mind is trying to work out how to stop that happening - so it takes you to the worst case scenario, it thinks it's being helpful - so to reframe - instead of letting it do 'what if' it all goes wrong and this t can't help and I end up suicidal - try and counter that with - yes but 'what if' she really helps and I start to get better ?

Ha I really need to practise what I preach ;)

 

[Sandstone]

The trouble is I no longer trust my brain - it's no good at recognising what is dangerous and what just feels that way. But as you suggest, I shall wait, because I'm just too scared to do anything else. Waiting, and zoning out while I do it, are usually abilities I have.

A lot of the focus of my therapy has been on making the relationship with my therapist and the space we work in 'safe' enough to move on to other things and also on me trying to feel safer with life generally

It's not in the room that I feel unsafe - except with the one dreadful therapist - it's the impact afterwards that is the problem.

I just realised how much that sums up my life experience. I never used to react at the time, or even to be aware there was a reaction to have. And I imagine that's why I have PTSD 30 years after the event. So maybe I need someone who will make apparent to me at the time my reaction.

And maybe that's why my emotions are so volatile now and my self control so poor - I never got round to learning how to handle them in the past because they weren't allowed to be there.

But now I'm so angry and despairing again, because I can think something like that but there is nothing to do with it, nowhere to go, no-one to ask if it actually fits or if i's just another random stupid idea.

 

[digger]

It's not a random stupid idea. I rarely react to things at the time. It's a defence thing. Learned and conditioned in childhood. I wasn't allowed emotions or to respond emotionally either. It was dangerous to do so. Your mind creates ways to protect you. Those defences were beneficial at the time. Now they end up being damaging and the thing that is preventing you moving forward (I had almost this exact conversation with my T only a few weeks ago!) My go to response is not to respond. It's not really that you don't respond though, as you've discovered, it just goes somewhere else and comes out in a different way later. And that can be very destabilising.

It's not in the room that I feel unsafe - except with the one dreadful therapist - it's the impact afterwards that is the problem.

Yes, sorry, when I was writing it, I knew I wasn't responding exactly to what you were describing regarding safety. I should have expanded that a bit. I think in the early days of therapy my experience was more like yours. My defences during sessions initially protected me from a lot of what was being said at the time. After sessions though, it would hit home and I would be extremely unsettled by it all.
As time has gone on, I have been able to bring my defences down more, and make myself more vulnerable I guess, within the sessions. So when I was talking about safety within sessions it has been about working on it being safe enough to allow those reactions to come through at the time, if that makes sense, instead of storing them up to come out later. We are still very much working on this, it is by no means something we've 'solved' yet. But by directly targeting that as the thing we need to work on and looking at the reasons for it, is helping. Like I said, it has been a very slow process for me. Frustratingly so a lot of the time because yes, I just want to be the sort of person who can just jump in and tackle it all head on. I'm not though. With other thing maybe yes, but not this.

 

[digger]

I should add as well, that I still experience pretty intense reactions after sessions too, but one of the biggest shifts for me in this respect has been accepting the need for self care. That has been a really hard thing to take on board for me. It goes against pretty much everything I believe about myself. But resigning myself to the need for it whether I like the idea or not has been beneficial. Again, it's taken a long time to get there though. I still don't feel like I deserve it.

 

[Sandstone]

The therapist I contacted is back from holiday, and we have an appointment on Monday . So of course I'm convinced that actually everything is OK and I don't need to do this at all. Clearly the fact that I haven't left the house alone for weeks is just my stupidity. The dreams are all just an overactive imagination. I just happened not to get dressed this week. Obviously I'm just making a fuss about everything that happened in the past because I'm attention seeking. The whole reason the NHS have done nothing for so long is that I don't deserve treatment.

So I'm telling myself that all of that may be true, and if it is, she'll tell me so. Could you tell me it too?

I wrote to her
"I've had a dreadful, painful confusing year of therapy with XX, but two good experiences of treatment , with yy and zz. The former was ended by the vagaries of the local MH service, the latter by a suicide attempt after I got overwhelmed by trying to approach the real issues and local MH services refused in-patient help. I've spent the last 6 months without any input, and while that isn't making me worse, it's not moving forward either.

I'm convinced I need someone who will spend time working on stabilisation and coping techniques, and will help me understand and overcome the difficulties I experience with both. Only when I can do that will it be safe to tackle the causes and start to get my life back.

Sorry to lecture you about your job!"


and she responded

"I completely understand what you are looking for and how important those coping strategies (or resources in EMDR) are. I also find that it is important to spend time building a trusting relationship before tackling the causes and this can take some time.

It is also vital that you see someone you are completely comfortable with.

How about we meet for a free half hour so that we can discuss my approach and you can see whether I am someone who feels right for you?"

 

[Suzetig]

That sounds like a very promising start, I hope she works out for you.