Wishing There'd Been More

[jmni]

Looking back I know I had it hard and I don't really "blame" myself. Maybe I am playing the victim but I feel like I've been really cheated out of a lot of regular things in life and experiences, especially relationships and interactions with others. I guess i feel starved for adventure and love and I envy teenagers who can have that feeling because I never did. But on the other hand if I hadn't been such a stick-in-the-mud and if I had not been such a wussy, which was largely caused by an overwhelming fear of my father, I could of done more and believe I would of had more and would suspect I would feel much more stable and richer now.

I guess i am searching for some empathy? Did anyone else pretend not to care then secretly gaze out the window, envious of your friends? That was always me...

 

[Deleted member 20280]

All the time. Being held back by my mother made me outwardly confident but inwardly jealous of others happiness.

 

[ms spock]

It is hard to miss out on relationships and having a life. I do sympathise.

 

[Tinyflame]

I hope you are young enough jmni to begin now, and not to concern yourself as much with the past, simply as that is done, and may consume energy you could use more now. I was thinking that is why I cannot quit smoking, at it's core it seems contraindicated now, which would explain why I find it senseless almost and depressing to quit. I've boxed my life in, in so far as what would have been more important to me, or perhaps would have brought more meaning or fulfillment. But it is too late for me, I'm just going through the motions, I hope not so for you. :hug:

 

[franciemarnie]

I can't tell you how many years I felt like I was outside looking in.

More like inside looking out since I always felt kind of like I was in a thick capsule separated from direct experience and other people.

But that changed for me when I began to heal.

Please don't think it's too late Junebug. My life turned around when I was 50. And it is pretty great most days now. (((((hug)))))

I don't spend much time looking back on what I missed, but I did initially. I had to grieve before my body would let it go.

 

[jmni]

I don't really believe in agist things. I am too old to get drunk and dance in front of a bunch of strangers (weird because I don't care about other things I do that embarrass myself when I am not drunk). But otherwise I guess I think you can live a full life and not define yourself by age. There are a lot of happy people who are older than me. For the record I'm 32. Which is a very unremarkable number. Not in my 20s, not even mid 30s.

I hope you are young enough jmni to begin now, and not to concern yourself as much with the past, simply as that is done, and may consume energy you could use more now. I was thinking that is why I cannot quit smoking, at it's core it seems contraindicated now, which would explain why I find it senseless almost and depressing to quit. I've boxed my life in, in so far as what would have been more important to me, or perhaps would have brought more meaning or fulfillment. But it is too late for me, I'm just going through the motions, I hope not so for you. :hug:

What do you mean you boxed your life in?

It's not that I don't think I can have a life. It's just that I wish I had other experiences which i don't believe I can have now. But maybe that belief is the core of the problem.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

For part I see my diagnosis as a full stop in my life. The beginning of a new chapter. Walking away from my abused past and starting afresh. I will be in control of mu destiny without the shackles of my abusers holding me back.

I will replace my past with a fresh future (hugs) :D

 

[Leah123]

I guess i feel starved for adventure and love and I envy teenagers who can have that feeling because I never did.

I feel that way too sometimes, I've regretted being self-conscious, having to hold it together, dealing with all my issues and being ACOA instead of being able to risk, to have adventures, to be uninhibited. But I don't believe we have to live life in an order, and my therapist agrees. It's not too late for all the things I want. I'm having a full life, just in my own unique order. And there's something to be said for doing things differently. Sometimes, it gets me down, but... sometimes the beauty of my created life is uplifting.

 

[Tinyflame]

.. I guess I think you can live a full life and not define yourself by age.

It's just that I wish I had other experiences which i don't believe I can have now. But maybe that belief is the core of the problem.

Hi jmni, oh by all means I don't think age is the defining factor. But sometimes, or oftentimes, life interferes.

For example, it is 'easier' to go to school prior to taking on debt, or having children etc. It's not impossible to go back later by any means, just simpler.

For the most part I do not have regret of what I missed, and although somewhat naturally reserved I was not inhibited. But by boxed in, I mean I have no future. Perhaps it was part of the belief of a fore-shortened future. Irregardless, the choices I'm left with are different, not from less options but a different understanding.

But you bring up a good question, what do you feel you missed, and why could that not be a possibilty for you now? Is it something you would miss still, if it had no bearing on today? :hug:

Thank you franciemarnie :inlove: :hug: .

 

[Tinyflame]

That wasn't quite clear: I have less options because of my understanding now and my past choices. My future is boxed in because of it, the choices I made. To some degree, to go against that (now) would also go against my understanding, not an alternative either. If that makes sense. I have more concerns what I'm leaving in my life, not starting it. You are young, don't let it stop you, start now. :hug: