Worlds Collide; I Need My Boundaries!

[Deleted member 1860]

For better or worse, I compartmentalize everything in my life. Work is work (when I was working); I don't make friends at work (for the most part). School is school; I don't really hang out with classmates outside of school. Family is family; I keep family matters private, and I keep my social life out if the prying eyes of my family. Dating is separate from everything (when I date, rarely anymore); I've run into too many conflicts of interest.

Why do I do it? It pretty much ensures that at least one area of my life is stable. If my family life is going to pot, I have work, or if I'm fighting with friends, at least I may still have the support of a romantic interest.

I can't handle it when worlds collide. I don't like mixing business and pleasure. Or even pleasure and pleasure! (I had a friend set me up on dates with two of her friends, and then she went behind my back and told each one I was seeing the other. As if...really, neither cared because it was just *a* date, nowhere near serious, and she ended up looking stupid.)

So yes, right now I'm having two worlds collide and it's freaking me out. I am currently taking a time out from an activity tonight because seeing a certain someone at a certain place just freaked me out and sent me into flashbacks. That's sort of what I do, I remove myself from the activity as to not cause a scene and to calm myself down.

I know I should be more accepting, and not let this sort of thing bother me, but right now I just can't. I keep telling myself that I'm ok with the whole situation but when it's front and center, I just freak out.

But then I think it's good that I've set these boundaries, because I have a history of wonky boundaries and I need to set better ones and be strong enough to stand up for myself.

Sorry that parts may seem vague, as that was intentional since I'm still processing all this in my head.

I guess I struggle with where to find the right balance. I feel GUILTY for setting boundaries which are there to keep me safe!

Thanks for reading; I appreciate it.

 

[KP the nut]

SOL, can I ask what you are hoping to discuss? This is the discussion forum, if it is just about you processing, maybe it would be better in your diary, if you have one.

 

[Springer80]

Hi SoL,

Thanks for posting this, I've never really considered that I do or how I do what you are talking about but I have often noticed he absence of an integrated and emotionally stable and mixed life and it's made me sad, like I'm doing something wrong that I just don't understand. Thanks for posting this, it's very helpful and very timely for me. I think it is one of the saddest/trickiest things about trauma because it only exacerbates our feeling of isolation and I don't know about you but it compounds my weird relationship with time and development.

Personally KP, I think this is actually I very useful topic to discuss. I don't know exactly where I would start if I was with a therapist and had to try and unpick my behaviour and emotions in this respect. It's a bit of a holy grail.

 

[KP the nut]

Personally KP, I think this is actually I very useful topic to discuss.

I don't have an issue, it was just a question.

 

[Springer80]

For better or worse, I compartmentalize everything in my life. Work is work,... I don't make friends at work.... School is school;...Family is family; I keep family matters private, and I keep my social life out...of my family. Dating is separate from everything; I've run into too many conflicts of interest.

Why do I do it? It pretty much ensures that at least one area of my life is stable....I can't handle it when worlds collide. I don't like mixing business and pleasure. Or even pleasure and pleasure!...

...I remove myself from the activity as to not cause a scene and to calm myself down....I keep telling myself that I'm ok with the whole situation but when it's front and center, I just freak out.

I feel GUILTY for setting boundaries which are there to keep me safe!

I so relate to the dating is seperate from everything else, because that is the one category where the whole thing is about getting to know each others lives, it is in effect the opposite of compartmenatlisation but it's for sport, expected and socially normal. I FREAK OUT too. :sick: :bag::stop::nailbiting:

Good and interesting point about even mixing pleasure with pleasure being a problem, it's like being interviewed from two sides. I think this also has lots in common with issues like gullibility, certain kinds of humor etc that ptsd'ers ofen relate.

I too remove myself because as my 'one track' only ptsd mind can't handle the situation I boil over and physiologically have to leave. It's embarrassing. I feel like Kenny off South-Park.

Personally I don't feel guilty of the boundaries but more confused and a bit ashamed of the consequences of those boundaries because I can feel and I know other people can see that they aren't really to do with what I actually feel. I like people. I just grew up protecting myself and others.

 

[Springer80]

I don't have an issue, it was just a question.

Sorry if it came across blunt, I've got insomnia brain at the mo. :shy:

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi KP,
I was looking to see if anyone else does the same thing as me, and to see how they deal with it. Sorry that I didn't state that. Sometimes I just throw things out there and I'm not clear about what I'm asking for. Sorry bout that!

Springer,
I'm glad you replied. You're right; it does lead to feelings of isolation. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to have a boyfriend I could introduce to my family, or classmates I hang out with outside of school, but right now I find stabilization in the separation. I hope that one day I can integrate my life more, but for now it is what it is as this is one of those things that will inevitably change slowly.

Interestingly, one of my therapists told me that this separation can be healthy as it teaches me to form boundaries. But of course, I suspect it's one of those "best in moderation" things as the extreme would be living a double life! (Or something of the sort).

I had a guy friend tell me that this is a guy thing. He said that guys are more likely to leave work at work, have a separate group of friends, etc, whereas females tend to integrate everything. Maybe this is part of the reason for the anxiety? Societal norms differ? Just a thought.

 

[intothelight]

"Compartmentalizing" is a great term and from a personal perspective, it's use can have many underlying reasons. Some of those can be healthy, but others are probably not so healthy. The following is just based on my personal experience.

For years I "compartmentalized" my professional life from my personal life. It was basically a form of denial and also a form of survival, because work was safe but home certainly wasn't. Who I was at work and who I was at home were two different sets of behaviors and later work became my drug of choice. Still have to be careful with this as it is too easy for me to focus on "to do's" rather than just the business of living.

Now I tend to compartmentalize only when feeling overwhelmed and use it as a tool to stay focused on the present rather than letting things flood into my head. The difference between before and after that one is a tool to manage rather than a full blown escape.

 

[Valentino]

This reminds me of a Seinfield episode about "Independent George" talking about George Costanza's 'worlds colliding'.. Relationship George collides with Independent George (Friendship circle)..

I hope the videos aren't too distracting, but it feels like it's about the issue discussed.

 

[Muzikluvr]

I've been thinking about this lately, and for me, it has to do with hiding the abuse. As a child, I hid the abuse even from myself because I tended to blurt stuff out. Blurting led to many painful social experiences. Separating people into groups based on how I behave around them helped me to hide the abuse better.