You Know You Have PTSD When...

I could spring clean the yard today in 30 min.
I could have spent 5 minutes a week over winter keeping yard clean. 20 weeks x5 minutes 100 min. Total Win. I will have a feeling of accomplishment. I could have had that feeling 19 more times with 1/6 of the effort as this one. My one Win is actually a loss.

All plans seem to end in a loss.

Deal with it tomorrow.
You have an early morning appt tomorrow?

So you stay up all night, terrified of sleeping through it, and show up a wreck & need to either reschedule, miss it, or blunder through a sleep deprived disaster. >.<

You have an afternoon appt tomorrow?

Fall asleep at a reasonable time the night before to be up HOURS before the appt, and wake up either just as the appt is supposed to start, or hours later. >.<

You don’t actually know what time the appt is? (But keep refusing to check)?

Sleep well. Wake up early. Check appt time. Get there 15 early. Find out the person you’re supposed to see is out sick that day. >.<


f*ck. Appointments.

f*ck. Normal.

Other people’s rules for living simply no longer apply. At least not consistently. Or even occasionally. More like a visiting circus. Something to delight in, when it happens. Not to expect, as the norm.
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When watching documentaries about people murdering others is somewhat comforting or soothing in the midst of dark anxiety shit= since it makes the anxiety and freefalling-feeling feel more normal. Or something..

When after you watched the full documentary about how Chris Watts murdered his whole family feel gratitude to your father for the fact that he at least didn't murder you. (Despite him surely sometimes having impulses to.) 🙄 just to realize that that's a messed up thought and that not murdering your family isn't even on the list of qualities of a good father. 🤦‍♀️ (my father is actually colder than Chris Watts.. only he have a tad more IQ, so he knows he can't get away with murder. Otherwise I know he would rather have killed me than let me go. )