Hi everyone.
I’m sorry in advance that this is long…but I am desperately needing some help. I suffer from PTSD, dissociative disorder, severe anxiety, and severe depression. I may have Bipolar II but I didn’t stick around in therapy long enough for me to get an official diagnosis of that (only of my PTSD and anxiety/depression issues). To be honest, I don’t want to go too much into detail about my past at the moment because it is still triggering for me…but as a rough breakdown, I have been sexually abused as a young child and raped when I was a teenager. I grew up in a cult and lived in isolation for most of my life. It was only about 6 years ago that I was able to fully remove myself from that scene in my life, and it hasn’t been easy to say the least. I have had to rebuild myself from the ground up, and teach myself literally everything in life from bills, to bank accounts, to holding a job, making myself food, social norms, smiling, etc. I have had eating disorders since I was 10 years old (anorexia, bulimia, binge-eating), and I have had a string of relationships ever since I got myself out of my bad situation…
My most recent ex I had been with for several years. We actually got married in 2014 but we separated in early 2015 because I could no longer deal with him being a trigger for my PTSD. He actually contributed to it quite a bit, especially in the sexual department and it has been very hard for me to get past. I did what I thought was the mature thing and ended it, walking away and losing one of my dogs in the process. I wasn’t so much heartbroken, but I was lost. I didn’t know what to do.
I jumped into a new relationship rather quickly (I am 22, he is 35), thinking I was over the last one (because I had been emotionally and mentally checked out for so long). We fell in love very quickly and moved very, very fast…within 4 months we had moved into a place together, and then things started falling apart just as fast as they came together. We fought ALL the time. About small things, big things, everything. It all compounded all the time. It wasn’t just his fault, it was mine too… but I have been struggling a lot. He has been very hurtful to me, and I have even shorter triggers this time around because of everything that has happened to me and because I have never given myself a break. I tried to explain to him all the issues that I had with everything, but I don’t think he fully understood. But every fight we had I pleaded with him to understand, but he shut down my feelings a lot in favor of his own, which didn’t help. Don’t get me wrong, he is a wonderful man and very kind. He has done a lot for me. My ex-husband left our place when we split and took EVERYTHING, so I had nothing…my current bf rebuilt me from a material perspective. But he has a short temper as well and I don’t respond well to that much conflict. There were a few times where he would start to raise his voice loud and I would literally go into a panic attack. I can’t stand him touching me sexually anymore (and sometimes just touch in general). It’s like I have completely shut down. And the more I would draw away the more he would pressure me and that would drive me away even further.
He pressured me to open up about my past before I was ready to, and now I have been set back so much further than ever since I opened up. The things I told him I haven’t even said to anyone in therapy…I have been having nightmares again and anxiety attacks daily. I have wanted to kill myself every day for the last month. It has been really hard to fight all these feelings. So I asked him to move out and took on the lease by myself with my brother. I told him I needed space to try and figure myself out and heal, and that I didn’t have the energy left to work on keeping my job, taking care of my dogs, taking care of myself, and taking care of a relationship at the same time. He has been very hurt and upset. He’s actually been trying to learn more about my conditions and be more understanding, but I feel as though it is too late for me to try and start over on things. We said we would do that so many times and it always ended in disaster. And now I feel like it’s just too late. I don’t know what to do. I can’t see him anymore without seeing the person who threw things, or yelled at me, or guilt-tripped me for not wanting sex (even accusing me of seeing someone else), or made me feel bad about myself. We haven't broken up but I don't know what to do because I don't want to be selfish and keep hurting him...but I don't know when I will be better. I want him to be happy.
If anyone could please lend an ear and maybe some advice if you have it…I would really appreciate it. I am in so much pain. Please.
I’m sorry in advance that this is long…but I am desperately needing some help. I suffer from PTSD, dissociative disorder, severe anxiety, and severe depression. I may have Bipolar II but I didn’t stick around in therapy long enough for me to get an official diagnosis of that (only of my PTSD and anxiety/depression issues). To be honest, I don’t want to go too much into detail about my past at the moment because it is still triggering for me…but as a rough breakdown, I have been sexually abused as a young child and raped when I was a teenager. I grew up in a cult and lived in isolation for most of my life. It was only about 6 years ago that I was able to fully remove myself from that scene in my life, and it hasn’t been easy to say the least. I have had to rebuild myself from the ground up, and teach myself literally everything in life from bills, to bank accounts, to holding a job, making myself food, social norms, smiling, etc. I have had eating disorders since I was 10 years old (anorexia, bulimia, binge-eating), and I have had a string of relationships ever since I got myself out of my bad situation…
My most recent ex I had been with for several years. We actually got married in 2014 but we separated in early 2015 because I could no longer deal with him being a trigger for my PTSD. He actually contributed to it quite a bit, especially in the sexual department and it has been very hard for me to get past. I did what I thought was the mature thing and ended it, walking away and losing one of my dogs in the process. I wasn’t so much heartbroken, but I was lost. I didn’t know what to do.
I jumped into a new relationship rather quickly (I am 22, he is 35), thinking I was over the last one (because I had been emotionally and mentally checked out for so long). We fell in love very quickly and moved very, very fast…within 4 months we had moved into a place together, and then things started falling apart just as fast as they came together. We fought ALL the time. About small things, big things, everything. It all compounded all the time. It wasn’t just his fault, it was mine too… but I have been struggling a lot. He has been very hurtful to me, and I have even shorter triggers this time around because of everything that has happened to me and because I have never given myself a break. I tried to explain to him all the issues that I had with everything, but I don’t think he fully understood. But every fight we had I pleaded with him to understand, but he shut down my feelings a lot in favor of his own, which didn’t help. Don’t get me wrong, he is a wonderful man and very kind. He has done a lot for me. My ex-husband left our place when we split and took EVERYTHING, so I had nothing…my current bf rebuilt me from a material perspective. But he has a short temper as well and I don’t respond well to that much conflict. There were a few times where he would start to raise his voice loud and I would literally go into a panic attack. I can’t stand him touching me sexually anymore (and sometimes just touch in general). It’s like I have completely shut down. And the more I would draw away the more he would pressure me and that would drive me away even further.
He pressured me to open up about my past before I was ready to, and now I have been set back so much further than ever since I opened up. The things I told him I haven’t even said to anyone in therapy…I have been having nightmares again and anxiety attacks daily. I have wanted to kill myself every day for the last month. It has been really hard to fight all these feelings. So I asked him to move out and took on the lease by myself with my brother. I told him I needed space to try and figure myself out and heal, and that I didn’t have the energy left to work on keeping my job, taking care of my dogs, taking care of myself, and taking care of a relationship at the same time. He has been very hurt and upset. He’s actually been trying to learn more about my conditions and be more understanding, but I feel as though it is too late for me to try and start over on things. We said we would do that so many times and it always ended in disaster. And now I feel like it’s just too late. I don’t know what to do. I can’t see him anymore without seeing the person who threw things, or yelled at me, or guilt-tripped me for not wanting sex (even accusing me of seeing someone else), or made me feel bad about myself. We haven't broken up but I don't know what to do because I don't want to be selfish and keep hurting him...but I don't know when I will be better. I want him to be happy.
If anyone could please lend an ear and maybe some advice if you have it…I would really appreciate it. I am in so much pain. Please.
