Hello all,
I've experienced a severe depression in my teen's from 14y until 16 y old. When I was 19y, 20y I've started to ruminate about this almost every single day, and particularly on a specific ocurrence or topic, My depression was originated by many different reasons, that started from very young age, a feeling of rejection from parents, lack of self esteem, insecurity..However I've never experienced severe violence or witness it. I've tried to commit suicide with 14 y old, but I barely remember that event itself. However when I heard talk about football (soccer), watching a game or my friends discussion, often my body send a alert signal , and I become trapped and overwhelmed with body feelings ''lump in the throat' or increased heart palpitations and overall anxiety, a feeling of discomfort and absence from the presence. My mind also enters in alert mode, and tends to generate fast toughts about it. Well, I was playing football in that time and I got small injury and needed to quit, it was something I liked to do but if I think rational I'm perfect sure it wasn't the main cause for developing that depression, and even was not raised on that time as a potential factor. But somehow when I was 19, 20y old I start to ruminate a lot about this until 25..putting the possibility if I hadn't a injury i would never have developed a depression, things like this all around the football theme. Nowadays, I cope with strategies to avoid rumination, but every single time i heard about football, disrupts my presence sense..I feel it like a small bug inside me, always pushing me to ruminate about, and definitely is the only thing that triggers and associate my mind with bad memories and past in my life, that depression I had. I'm having many similar symptoms linked with PTSD, ''intrusive memories or toughts'' 'avoidance'' ''tremble (lately my lips) etc... However as I said we cannot associate that event exacltly as a violent one (murder ,rape, warzone). Anyone could give me a insight what this may be?
note: I feel this discomfort , intrusive toughts etc almost 10 years, about my past and that specific theme This carrys a lot of suffering and I feel like i'm stuck in the past. I needed to say while im watching a match for example I dont experiment any kind of panic or bad sensations at all, Often is easier to cope than my mind predicts. but I cannot avoid the anxiety and fear that bring me before..or when my friends invite me to watch or when they are talking about it.
Thanks in advance for your help!!
My apologies as well for my bad English.
I've experienced a severe depression in my teen's from 14y until 16 y old. When I was 19y, 20y I've started to ruminate about this almost every single day, and particularly on a specific ocurrence or topic, My depression was originated by many different reasons, that started from very young age, a feeling of rejection from parents, lack of self esteem, insecurity..However I've never experienced severe violence or witness it. I've tried to commit suicide with 14 y old, but I barely remember that event itself. However when I heard talk about football (soccer), watching a game or my friends discussion, often my body send a alert signal , and I become trapped and overwhelmed with body feelings ''lump in the throat' or increased heart palpitations and overall anxiety, a feeling of discomfort and absence from the presence. My mind also enters in alert mode, and tends to generate fast toughts about it. Well, I was playing football in that time and I got small injury and needed to quit, it was something I liked to do but if I think rational I'm perfect sure it wasn't the main cause for developing that depression, and even was not raised on that time as a potential factor. But somehow when I was 19, 20y old I start to ruminate a lot about this until 25..putting the possibility if I hadn't a injury i would never have developed a depression, things like this all around the football theme. Nowadays, I cope with strategies to avoid rumination, but every single time i heard about football, disrupts my presence sense..I feel it like a small bug inside me, always pushing me to ruminate about, and definitely is the only thing that triggers and associate my mind with bad memories and past in my life, that depression I had. I'm having many similar symptoms linked with PTSD, ''intrusive memories or toughts'' 'avoidance'' ''tremble (lately my lips) etc... However as I said we cannot associate that event exacltly as a violent one (murder ,rape, warzone). Anyone could give me a insight what this may be?
note: I feel this discomfort , intrusive toughts etc almost 10 years, about my past and that specific theme This carrys a lot of suffering and I feel like i'm stuck in the past. I needed to say while im watching a match for example I dont experiment any kind of panic or bad sensations at all, Often is easier to cope than my mind predicts. but I cannot avoid the anxiety and fear that bring me before..or when my friends invite me to watch or when they are talking about it.
Thanks in advance for your help!!
My apologies as well for my bad English.
