General How Do I Broach The Subject?

[Merf]

Apologies for the lengthy post here.....

Need some advice with how to move my situation forward. Brief backstory - after six months of a very very turbulent and nasty time in our relationship, my sufferer (now ex bf) was diagnosed with CPTSD. We had tried to make it work and he moved out six weeks ago to take the pressure off, but a fortnight ago he freaked out at me (for reasons I don't know) and ended it. He did blame me, saying that I would never understand (and he felt further justified and it necessary to tell me people in his group therapy hadtold him most relationships don't survive PTSD) , and that I need to leave him alone. We had some angry exchanges and then last week we exchanged apologies and I have accepted that things are over and I'm trying very hard to respect his space.

My dilemma is, how do I broach the very real and important subject of him repaying me the very large sum of money he owes me without stressing him out and also risking more hostile exchanges? It's making me anxious thinking about asking him about it but equally as anxious the thought of never getting anything put in place to repay. He was meant to start repaying me but he lost his job and then we broke up. He has another job now but I know he is under a lot of stress with money as well as this illness, and I don't want to add unnecessary pressure or stress, but I can't bury my head in the sand about this forever and I'm going to start struggling myself where money is concerned. If l didn't need it then I wouldn't even think about raising the subject.

I had emailed asking if we could talk about it, but got myself so worked up worrying about his response I emailed again saying not to worry and just to get in touch when he was ready to discuss and work out a plan. But it can't wait forever and I'm afraid he may never get in touch, so if anyone can offer me any suggestions on the best/easiest way to deal with this conversation (should he not reply and the need for me to contact him about it again arise) I would be very grateful. I am going to leave it for a while yet but at some point it's gotta be dealt with.

It's a minefield at the moment and I'm kicking myself for allowing myself to land us in this situation. I fell straight into co dependency and I never even realised :(

 

[Friday]

. But it can't wait forever and I'm afraid he may never get in touch, so if anyone can offer me any suggestions on the best/easiest way to deal with this conversation (should he not reply and the need for me to contact him about it again arise) I would be very grateful.

First Id define what's "forever"? A month? 6 months? 10 years? What's the length of time after which non-payment becomes unacceptable? What's a reasonable period of time in your life to wait? After which, f*ck him and the horse he rode in on, it's time to seriously go after the money... In person or via the legal system.

Whatever it is, I'd cut that in half to allow for life & eventualities, and send something along the lines of "It been 6 months, I'm really hoping we can get repayment of £££ started within the year."

Because, nope... There's no way to manage his stress about it, but you can manage your own :)

 

[Merf]

Thank you @Friday, I know you're right! I need to give myself a deadline (I'm having to do the same with his refusal to collect all his belongings) and then just bite the bullet. I'm struggling massively with what I now believe to be a codependency issue. Literally my brain operates on a 'put him first' basis over everything. I feel sick with worry over what is going to happen and I feel pretty darn stupid as I considered myself to be a smart, intelligent person who was just very compassionate/empathetic. I think I'm more anxious about any fall out. I love him dearly but I hate the hostility and the way I can sometimes react, I get so emotional I let myself down with some of the things I say when I'm angry. Ergh. I wish just one part of the process could be simple!

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

Try not to beat yourself up for this.

My only advice for the future is to not let anyone borrow money unless you are ok with never seeing that money again. Money issues stress me out to high heaven! Right now I only have 3 people in my life that I'd lend money to, and only one who I'd lend a substantial amount to. (All three are trustworthy and have a history of paying me back.)

I don't have any advice other than no matter how bad things get with him, bite your tongue and don't fight back in a nasty way.

 

[Merf]

Thank you @EveHarrington. I know he only gets mad because I'm adding additional stress but I suffer massively with anxiety and it's hard to think he is burying his head in the sand and leaving me to carry all this myself. On top of the struggle that he seems to be moving on just fine, it's been hard for me to separate his PTSD being root of behaviour from partners that are just jerks in general. I'm more and more resisting the urge to contact him when I feel myself going into meltdown. This forum is really a god send because it's a very lonely place when nobody else around, not even the sufferer, knows how difficult it can be this side of the fence. I feel I take a step forward and then ten back