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Should I Ask For Sexual Exclusivity?

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K

Kega

My sufferer and I are no longer together and will be separated by distance for the next few months. This isn't the first time we've been physically apart; however, we were in a committed relationship then, and it was never any problem. We both decided to use this time to work on ourselves in the hopes of reconciling after he gets back. He would like an official label more than anything, but I'd like to see some progress made first before feeling comfortable enough getting back together.

We talked about abstaining from sex with others during this time, as it may not be the most beneficial thing for a re-emerging relationship. It's zero problem for me, as I don't have sex unless in a committed relationship and also can't even think of someone else that way when I'm in love. He said he could also manage but it would be hard, especially since we're not in a committed relationship, and that the main motivator for him was that the thought of me with other men would be devastating.

That hurt to hear as I would think that as in love with me as he claims to be (and as I believe him to be), I feel like it's a bit loose to be entertaining the idea of casual sex when the girl you say you love and want to commit your life to is back on the radar. So this has led me to conclude one of two things: He's either implying he wants sexual freedom, or he's trying to play his cards right to get me to commit right now. I'm really confused and upset and don't know how to handle this situation.
 
If that's what you want, by all means ask for it. You have the right to ask. He has the right to say either yes or no. If him saying 'no' is a deal breaker, at least you know where things stand.
 
It seems that you already have asked for sexual exclusivity or rather abstinence.

You can ask for him to not date, see, or have sex with anyone else even though you are not in a committed dating relationship with each other at this time, and you are considering returning to that.

And he is free to make the choice as to if he is willing to do that or not, and he has explained he is willing, and it is understandably hard for him. It's hard to rule out not seeing other people based on the hope and possibility of potentially getting back together someone in the near or distant future.
So this has led me to conclude one of two things: He's either implying he wants sexual freedom, or he's trying to play his cards right to get me to commit right now. I'm really confused and upset and don't know how to handle this situation.
I don't think he is trying to manipulate you, or play any card. I think he is trying to respect your request out of care for you, and a desire to respect you and show value for you, and that it can be sacrifice for someone not in a committed dating relationship to ask them to not be in any dating and/or sexual relationships with anyone.

I think it might be important to look further into why you are not ready to commit to him (which may be a really good and reasonable thing) and yet also not willing to let him go. It's a bit of a mixed message. It's like saying don't come closer to me, but also don't move further away form me. Don't date me, but also don't date anyone else.

What is the threat or loss or pain to you really about if he does see someone else when you and him are not in a dating and/or sexual relationship?

Is this about disagreement about sexual values (you don't value casual sex, and he might be ok with it) or is it more about you don't want him with anyone else? Or both? It's ok to not want him to have sex or casual sex with anyone else and for you to ask for whatever you want, just as it's ok for him to decide to agree or disagree or do differently.

What you have to do is figure out if you and him value the same things and if you two can make it work or not between you, and what might be all the issues coming up for you both in this time when you are not committed to each other.
 
I don't want to come off as the angry man hater here but this thing about men and sex just makes my blood boil. My ex husband would swear to his undying love for me but it didn't matter how sick I was and at one point I was really very unhealthy but he constantly pushed sex on me because he "needed" it. Uggggh still makes me sick to this day. You two have spoken about worjkng on yourselves with the outcome of trying to get back together so I see no reason why he would need to go exploring. If he truly cares for you as much as he says then he wouldn't even entertain the idea of being with another woman. Sounds to me like he's just looking for an excuse to go and have a few flings with something new.
 
I don't think if me and a guy said we were gonna take time to work on us with the idea of getting back together and he was sexually active with someone else during that time I could forgive him.
 
OP here. I straight out asked him if he wanted to go hook up with other people, and he said "not particularly". WTF?! Then he said a girl had contacted him while we were talking! Like this is all really supposed to help me feel more secure? I feel like it could all be a rouse to make me jealous and come running, but I could be totally off base too. After I went ballistic, he back-pedalled and said I'm all he's ever wanted and that he can easily hang in there these next few months, even without a commitment. But I can't help but feel like I'm the one getting mixed messages here.
 
I don't want to come off as the angry man hater here but this thing about men and sex just makes my blood boil. My ex husband would swear to his undying love for me but it didn't matter how sick I was and at one point I was really very unhealthy but he constantly pushed sex on me because he "needed" it.

This is inappropriate and horrible in every way. The OP doesn't claim this though. He didn't say he needed it, he didn't push her into sex with her or anyone else. He stated what he was and was not willing to do.

They are not married. They are not dating. If a committed relationship is to mean anything, then it should mean that when not committed and when not together then someone else is able to date someone else if they choose. It doesn't sound like he even is going to choose that but has been willing to stay abstinent from all sex and dating while she figures out if she wants to get back together with him.
 
OP here. I straight out asked him if he wanted to go hook up with other people, and he said "not particularly". WTF?! Then he said a girl had contacted him while we were talking! Like this is all really supposed to help me feel more secure? I feel like it could all be a rouse to make me jealous and come running, but I could be totally off base too.

I think you are already jealous. That's ok. Important to realize it.
 
OP I agree! It sounds like you are definitely getting the run around! I'd tell him what you are or are not willing to except!
 
Is that what he could be trying to accomplish so I'll snatch him up? I don't know, just trying to understand the male psyche!
 
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