No Clue What To Do

[Silent one]

Hi everyone,
I have a huge decision to make and I wanted to seek advice here.
My therapist left me last week. We did phone therapy which by the way, is difficult. Anyhow, we had a session scheduled that she cancelled because she was sick. That's fine. I understand. She is human too. This was last Monday. I heard nothing after that so on Thursday I texted her to say " hope you're ok." She has an auto immune disease so if she becomes too stressed it activates. I didn't know this until she texted me back on Thursday. Long story short I talked with her Friday and we agreed that the trauma work was too much for both of us. We chatted a bit and closed therapy, or so I thought. I woke up this morning at didn't feel like I said all I wanted to say when we parted. I NEEDED more closure! I texted her to say that I believed in her and that I thought I had found someone who understood and could help me and not leave me. I had to say it! It was eating me alive. Ok so she texted me back this morning to say she has closed her private practice but still wanted to keep me as a client. She asked me to talk tonight. I don't know what to do!
She has had issues with being on time and moving appts. She knows i have severe trust and abandonment issues. I have no clue what to do. We have talked about her issues of being late and such in the past. She's an awesome therapist, but I worry she will bail out on me. I was the first to initiate contact every time in the past week. Please help!

 

[Silent one]

P.S. I cannot handle anymore damage.

 

[Suzetig]

That all sounds really thought for you. What did you want when you sent her the text saying you thought you had found someone who understood? It's just you don't sound like you want to stay with her, but don't want to leave either.

I don't think I would want to be my Ts only client to be honest and if I were her I'd be asking myself why, if I was closing my private practice, was I offering to keep you on. While the offer might leave you feeling you're cared for by her, my thinking is it may be more about her needs than yours, especially given she has said that trauma work is too difficult for her just now. Sometimes Ts can get very hung up on wanting to fix things or rescue their client, that's not at all therapeutic and can ultimately be very damaging for the client.

In your shoes, I would ask for a more planned ending, maybe 2/3 sessions to review what you've done together and to help you move to another T, but I'd definitely be ending my work with her.

 

[Silent one]

Thank you, what you say makes sense! I am torn up as to what to do. She is very different from any therapist I have ever had. She gives me great support. She encourages out of session contact. I have her direct phone number. She never fails at answering me either by call or text.

 

[scout86]

It's not going to hurt to talk to her. I'm kind of wondering, if she's closing her private practice, what kind of client you're going to be. There are some practical considerations, maybe, like how she gets paid?

Like I said, it won't hurt to talk to her, but I'd have some clear ideas in mind to talk about. Probably written down so I don't forget anything. Maybe even sent in advance so she has a chance to consider them. Like, if her being late is an issue for you, how is it going to be addressed? Is she going to be on time from now on? Is this anxiety, on your part, something you maybe want to work on and this is a chance to do it? What ever, you should address it now and see if there's a solution that's really possible and will work for you both. She may have less trouble if she's only got one client. But, how is she going to make a living if she only has one client? (Not your problem, but part of my "Is this on the level?" way of thinking about things.)

we agreed that the trauma work was too much for both of us.

What about that? That's kind of a big problem, if it's a real problem.

It's possible to run into someone who's an extremely nice person and who really DOES understand, who you like and relate to, but they may not be able to be a trauma therapist. It doesn't have to be about feelings or abandonment or anything of the sort. It just might be the way things are. In any case, it would be nice if she could help you sort out what to do now, whether it's to continue working with her or to move on to someone else. (Good luck!)

 

[shimmerz]

It's just you don't sound like you want to stay with her, but don't want to leave either.

This is a very normal manifestation of attachment disorder stuff. I would be careful of this therapist if I was you. Not certain, from what you have said, that she quite 'gets it'. You definitely want someone who does.

 

[Silent one]

I think I just wanted to be heard when I texted her! I felt I needed more closure.

 

[Silent one]

It's not going to hurt to talk to her. I'm kind of wondering, if she's closing her private practice, wh...

Her primary job is at the Veterans hospital in Washington, DC. She is a psychologist who treats military veterans cope with PTSD

 

[Suzetig]

She encourages out of session contact. I have her direct phone number. She never fails at answering me either by call or text.

This would be a red flag for me, it sounds like she might be struggling to maintain boundaries in your relationship. No one can be there for you all the time, as a professional I would expect her to have limits on things like out of session contact and her availability to you. Yes, it feels supportive and caring but it also potentially fosters a dependency in her. That coupled with her wanting to keep you as her only client, when she isn't in a place to do trauma work makes me wonder.

That's not to say she isn't ethical, can't offer you a safe service, isn't able to maintain appropriate boundaries or that what she is doing is wrong in and of itself - just that there are lots of questions I'd want good answers to before I continued with her.

 

[Silent one]

This would be a red flag for me, it sounds like she might be struggling to maintain boundaries in your...

Wow, I hadn't thought of this. And I have become dependent on her. She knows my entire history, things I never told anyone. I feel awful without her support.

 

[Silent one]

But it also feels like I am setting myself up for failure.

 

[scout86]

Now it totally makes sense that she'd decide to back off from a private practice, on top of that job. And, it no longer really makes sense that she's not up for the trauma work.....

As far as out of session contact goes, my T does something very similar. In fact, for a long time, if he DIDN'T hear from me between sessions, he'd start the session with "Haven't heard from you in awhile." This is something that I can see would sometimes be a "boundary issue" thing, but I can also see it as a part of therapy thing. I tend not to talk about stuff. It's been a long process getting to where I'm actually willing to talk to him about anything more threatening than the weather. My suspicion is he wanted to encourage me to contact him as a form of exposure therapy. Thinking that, eventually, I'd decide he's "safe". (It's kind of working. LOL) But, I don't always get an immediate reply. To my complete amazement, I have gotten an immediate reply most times when it really mattered. Beyond that, sometimes it leads to a deeper conversation and sometimes, out of no where, he makes a comment that lets me know he read the email. I'm thinking that how this works and how it's done probably should be tailored to where the client is at. My boundary issues tend to be more along the lines of them being really high with no doors. Someone who was less independent (my T says I'm "anti-dependent") might need a different set up. The thing with your situation @Silent one , is sorting out whether or not she's got the whole boundary thing handled herself. And you can ask about that.