Violent Urges/rage - Still Living With Parents

[Giduleh]

One or both of my parents were gone over a period of three weeks, and during that time I wasn't necessarily getting better, but I was not paralyzed with rage - as I quickly became after my dad came back. I normally thought it was my mom who triggered most of my anger, but now I realize living around someone who is ready to fly off the handle with or without real provocation (like in my mind my dad is) is the REAL biggest stressor I live with.
Just over a week span I've had a couple of confrontations over small things erupt into swearing and my dad threatening me unspokenly (my parents are still my guardians - LONG story - and he is generally referring to calling someone to have me taken away) That situation ALREADY happened. It happened after a year of almost unending extreme stress and trauma before that. And my parents response was to call an ambulance - not breathing a WORD about any of this to me - and basically have me taken against my will to an ER, and from there back into the state mental health hospital. The fact that my dad even suggests using this sends me beyond rage and disbelief - and it is usually over minor issues that have spun into a serious argument because I still have rage directed at my dad for what he did and it spills out when I'm arguing. I'm not saying that my dad is always on the brink of losing it, but that's the way it remains stuck in my mind.

And when I can't do or say anything about it, then violent sometimes homocidal urges can come to my mind. Not ones I want to act on in that moment, but with enough strength that its very unsettling to me. I think that's why I sublimate it into arguments and verbal accusation. I don't really know how to deal with it, other than keep pretending it isn't there the rest of the time, and just wait for my parents to be out of the house. I don't think unless my dad went out of town and came back I would have realized how destabilizing his mood and these interactions are. But barring my parents leaving town again soon to help with family stuff, this is my new normal and I don't want to deal with it. Therapy helps a little, but I haven't really found a good trauma therapist. I get so much grief from my dad about the one I currently see off and on - that it almost makes it not worth the argument to see her each time.

 

[Tebaz]

Are you the OP from this thread:
I Have C-ptsd From Emotional Abuse From Parents And Have An Intense Desire For Revenge/justice?

And if so, why is their home your permanent residence? You say they are your guardians still, but can't you contest that?

When they sent you to the hospital - what were the incidents leading up to it, and what was your diagnosis at the mental institution you were moved to?

 

[Giduleh]

Are you the OP from this thread:
[URL='Link Removed...

No, that is not me. I guess the anonymous route doesn't help. I will reply to the other questions in a little while, once I can focus on it.

 

[Sadu]

It's not clear from your OP - are your parents your abusers? If so, finding alternative accommodation may need to be a priority (depending on your age?).

Also, you mentioned therapy being "off and on". It sounds as though you need regular support. Is there a way to make that happen?

Just as a reflection, if your parents have the slightest insight into the depth of your 'homicidal rage' (likely they do), calling an ambulance is perhaps not altogether unreasonable..? The alternative would be for them to call the police...

I'm not trying to invalidate what you're going through, because it sounds awful, and it sounds like you need more help rather than less. But it's difficult with the lack of context to understand what you're going through. Have you been diagnosed with ptsd and/or any other mental health issues?