Shifting From Overly Independent To Lonely

[Justmehere]

This post is partly a rant, partly my processing, and partly because I could use any thoughts or feedback on this. I wonder if others struggle with anything like this?

I know I'm posting a lot lately, and I hope no one minds too much. It's helping me pull through this really confusing season in my journey with PTSD.

I only have minimal contact with my mother and only FB contact with an aunt and uncle, the rest of my tight knit family is all out of my life. All of them.

I have friends of varying degrees of closeness. I try to date but I'm struggling to find anyone that I click with long term, that doesn't mind that I can't drive for now due to a medical condition. I can still do everything else, but not driving is a big thing and I'm trying to date anyhow.

Overall, I'm very lonely. I am working hard in therapy and the more my symptoms are reduced, the more lonely I feel. My therapist says this is a good thing...

But I don't know what to do anymore. Some nights I wake up in a panic about being so very alone. I have a service dog, and every now and then, when the panic of being so alone hits me super hard, I take her with me to a 24 hours diner down the street and sit there and drink hot chocolate at 3am just because I'm not alone there.

I have an ambivalent attachment style. This means that I want closeness, but I fear it. I used to be much more shut down to connection, and was more on the avoidant end of the ambivalent attachment spectrum - where I was overly independent. It wasn't by choice but it was how I survived. I wasn't a loner, but I wasn't interdependent on anyone. I walked myself to surgery once because it didn't cross my mind to ask anyone to drive me there. I had arranged the required ride home...

I can't survive that way anymore. It feels awful now. If I had surgery again, I would want someone to drive me there.

This is why my therapist says this lonely feeling is progress.

Right now, it feels so awful. I want a family. I want a partner and kids and... the clock is running out for me on all of that. I'm tired of being so alone.

I want to share dinner with someone... I used to date people long term, but then more trauma happened and I shut down. I'm finally staying open to connection, only to find that what I want doesn't seem to be there for me.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm not sure @Justmehere , but I feel you've had so much growth & you have so much depth & introspection, that you're probably miles ahead (if not on a different plane :) ) than many people that you meet. Not that they don't exist though.

I think trauma, especially early trauma, requires much energy to address, & results in perspectives & lessons it takes longer for some people to come to. It really separates the wheat from the chaff, what matters from what doesn't, the ordinary from the extraordinary. Anything short of that will be impossible to ignore.

I know what you mean by independent, both out of necessity & choice. I think the good news is, because you have a different yardstick for what you hope for in a partner or relationships, & what you expect to give of yourself & expect in return, & the value of both of those things-valuing yourself & others- you can discriminate more quickly on what is real. (Hopefully), you too know your immense value. That being said, you are very special, & I think, will, in time attract very special people to yourself as well. :hug:

 

[sun seeker]

But I don't know what to do anymore. Some nights I wake up in a panic about being so very alone. I have a service dog, and every now and then, when the panic of being so alone hits me super hard, I take her with me to a 24 hours diner down the street and sit there and drink hot chocolate at 3am just because I'm not alone there.

Wow... I don't have any helpful advice, but will be watching to see how this progresses for you because I am in a very similar situation myself. This has happened to me once before and has just recently come back. It must be something about the stage I am at in trauma processing, where I am getting in touch with how terrifying it was to be alone at some stages of childhood trauma. Does that make sense in your case?

 

[Friday]

<grin> Really, really happy for you JMH :D

I agree very much with your T... For me, loneliness coming out of isolation is very much like boredom (actually wanting something to do) coming out of depression... A huge step in the right direction. In fact, for me, those are milestones. Changing of the guard.

As far as my 2cents /experience goes... Lonely is the one time I have learned to very deliberately avoid dating. Friendships? Hell yes. But dating -for me- needs to wait until I'm not lonely, unless I'm just f*cking around and any warm body will do. Because that's what loneliness does... Lowers standards. Any warm body better than none. ((Even if I'm acutely aware I'm doing this, because I've tried to cheat a number of times, it makes getting rid of even terrible people painful, when they're bridging a gap, filling a void. And good people? Can't trust my judgement. Are they as wonderful as I think they are because they're f*cking amazing? Or because I'm no longer in pain of longing for something I don't have? Impossible to tell.))

Is waiting a pain? Yes & no. It's become sort of exciting to realize I'm lonely, because it means -now- that I get to go out and have some fun. Fill up my life with good things. Do things I want to do. Discover things I want to do. Enjoy the hell out of myself. Until the loneliness is gone. And then? Then I can look at bringing people into my life :D Where their addition makes my life that much better, but their absence doesn't leave a gaping hole. So it makes keeping amazing people brilliant, and leaving people I should leave -or being left by people- about 10,000 times easier. Because they're not filling a hole, my life is already whole without them.

Clearly, this is all just my own experience, and none may ring true for you.

 

[Justmehere]

This has been such a weird and new thing, it's helped so much to read that others agree this is a good thing. Maybe my therapist isn't off her rocker... ;)

@Junebug - your words of kindness and such strong encouragement helped a lot. Thank you so much. My yardstick is changing so much, it's bewildering, and I hope it is a good thing like you describe! It's so good to know so many extraordinary people here on similar journeys through this. :hug:

It must be something about the stage I am at in trauma processing, where I am getting in touch with how terrifying it was to be alone at some stages of childhood trauma. Does that make sense in your case?

@sun seeker - Yes, completely! It's like I can really feel those feeling where alone is so terrifying.

Sometimes it is a more adult fear, but it comes as strongly as when I was a kid.

It helps to know I'm not alone not this experience. It is bewildering - I will be curious how it goes for you as well!

@FridayJones - thanks for the great insight and encouragement!

As far as my 2cents /experience goes... Lonely is the one time I have learned to very deliberately avoid dating.

I can't even figure out up from down in the dating world right now! Dumping the folks that are jerks becomes heart wrenching and so confusing, when before it was just annoying and almost a relief.

Is waiting a pain? Yes & no. It's become sort of exciting to realize I'm lonely, because it means -now- that I get to go out and have some fun. Fill up my life with good things. Do things I want to do. Discover things I want to do. Enjoy the hell out of myself. Until the loneliness is gone. And then? Then I can look at bringing people into my life :D Where their addition makes my life that much better, but their absence doesn't leave a gaping hole. So it makes keeping amazing people brilliant, and leaving people I should leave -or being left by people- about 10,000 times easier. Because they're not filling a hole, my life is already whole without them.

This is such a great way to look at this! I never thought about it that way before.

I am throughly enjoying making more plans and sticking out friendships more. It feels good to have more fun. It's helping me with my part time job too. In sustaining relationship longer. Now I have more work to do! A good problem to have in my life. :)