Dad called me on cell phone. was responsible for my abuse as a child. feedback from members here?

[ninja]

@littleoc Perhaps he would be sad if you didn't interact with him. Perhaps he was also horribly abused and is stuck in a hurt and angry child state, but he is an adult. At some point we have to make peace with the fact that no matter where the hurts/issues/pain came from we are now responsible for getting ourselves help and we are certainly responsible for our own behaviors. It sounds like you are working at this and have done this for awhile, and he is/has decidedly not.

It sounds like he has the means for help if he wanted it or felt he needed it. But if his moral compass is off enough that he doesn't consistently show remorse when he harms individuals and was willing to put his own children at risk for his own desires I honestly think at this point whatever kind of contact that is best for you irrespective of him is something that could be empowering. You are not responsible for making your father feel okay, or for helping him or understanding what he has gone through. Absolutely not.

If not hearing from you or your family makes him feel sad, hopefully he can take that a step or two further and realize what he may be feeling and should be feeling is a healthy dose of guilt. If you are an erratic, selfish and cruel individual you do not get the luxury of contact with whomever you want contact with. You have to respect their boundaries. And this, in my opinion, is the beginning of someone with significant issues comprehending consequence and feeling empathy maybe learning to do better.

 

[mumstheword]

It takes a tremendous amount of energy to keep up a pretence of pretending that parent hasn't let you down, damaged you and caused extreme, ongoing suffering, in my experience.
Sure you can put the energy in, out of sheer compassion or pity or a sense of duty or fear, but what about compassion.for yourself and keeping your energy to put in to your recovery?
If you are never going to get any kind of reasonable response, and you know it and still pretend it's was ok or is ok? You keep the wounds open.

You need safety to heal.

You are not the parent, but you need to learn how to parent yourself healthily, because you didn't get healthy parenting.

I would be prioritizing that stuff.

Learning the boundaries that let you feel properly safe and allow you to repair the damage to your psyche and body (trauma is stored in the body too) by being very present with how you feel in your body when you think about him or have any level of contact with him, if your body feels uneasy, uncomfortable, you feel drained from contact or when you focus on him?
It's too taxing.

You need to prioritise your healing and learn to be around people who energize you, not drain you. Your health and recovery depend on it.

Love yourself, and let him feel the natural consequences of being an abusive, psychopathic f*ckwit. That's actually the tough love that's appropriate.

 

[littleoc]

Good news, I think.

I finally found my rightfully placed anger at my dad.

First of all, he has not remembered to call me back -- which is not the reason I'm healthily angry at him. My mother explained to me that he is an alcoholic and likely was drunk when he called, and straight up might not remember that he did.

Second of all, he did terrible things. And disgusting things. I'm glad my little brother in particular is okay, but also glad that my autistic and deaf twin brother didn't grow up being constantly told he was retarded. (And if he was retarded, that wouldn't be a reason to hate him either.) My twin still won't admit to people he's autistic OR deaf because of my dad's inappropriate insults. And my little brother and sister weren't better off.

So, I guess it finally hit me. Yay! If he calls back, I think I'll let it go to voicemail. He'll probably forget he called anyway. I hope I can keep up that attitude, so I wrote it here so I can find it later :)

Thank for everyone's words of wisdom! You all helped very much.

 

[Freida]

I'm very proud of you!

 

[Justmehere]

I’m glad you connected with your anger! Use it to block his number. Don’t let yourself get tempted to feel guilty again for not answering, and let him face a normal and natural consequence for his terrible behavior.

 

[marto]

Discard him. He is toxic and cannot stop it. Tell him to go see a therapist he wants to vent.

 

[katz]

I saw this thread and thought this might be a place for me to start. Sorry if it's not.

My mom passed away last month. We had the last memorial service for her last week. We have family out of the country, so we had the service late.
Anyway, I sat there listening to all the people stepping up and telling stories of how she "helped" them realize their potential, and how she taught them (she was a college teacher) and how much they cared for her and her wisdom. Even my sisters were missing her. All I did is sit there thinking "why didn't you protect me?" Why weren't you there for me? I told you and you still didn't protect me or help me. Why?

I can't find the feelings to mourn her. I only feel my own pain, and suffering. I don't feel anger at her surprisingly. Just such a great, great sadness for … me - and only me. Thanks for listening. I need to go now....

 

[freebird]

The only person you should contact regarding this situation is the police (cause you have a dangerous person in your life) and animal rescuers (cause I'm seriously worried about that pup). And I'm very worried for you.

Your security, health, and well-being are the basic most important things and they're not easy to accomplish (especially for those of us who were not born with it). You have to make hard decisions and sacrifice in order to obtain them. For most of us, that sacrifice has to be going low or no contact with our abusers...obtaining independence of them and finding support in strange unknown places. That confusion you feel is valid because wtf?, however, I'm happy to hear that you are feeling anger, a normal response to a batshit crazy situation. Later, hopefully that anger will turn to grief, and the grief will lead to healing.

May I be bold? I have no empathy for this man, because he had many chances to change, and his time is almost up. He must pay for what he did. He deserves to lose the precious gifts unrightfully given to him. And now those gifts are yours to take back. Would he extend the same courtesy you extend to him? Think about that question. Stay angry, stay away and protect yourself. It's for your survival.

 

[littleoc]

You’re right @freebird.

I’ve been thinking lately of how he not only grew up extremely wealthy, but he had everything he needed and still does. His parents bought him a house, even.

Meanwhile, when he had kids, he put one in the garage, caged the rest of us, got annnoyed when we asked for anything, and used all funds he had on everything he wanted.

So despite having a prominent last name and being from a family of wealthy people, we lived like how my mom grew up. Hard to get food, never any new clothes (until my dad’s step mom started to intervene (my dad’s actual mom isn’t my grandmother because she’s kind of crazy)), crappy schools that referred to our intelligence as a disability instead of a strength, etc. There’s a lot of shame with growing up poor, and while I’m honestly glad that happened and that I have to make my own rent unlike him, I would have loved just a little bit a security. But he didn’t care about us enough to give us even the basics.

He just wants to be friends now, but he didn’t earn it. And yeah, maybe I should report to police that he has a dog now. They still can’t prove he murdered a lady, but maybe they can get the dog away. Child abusers/psychopaths/animal horaders shouldn’t be allowed to have pets.

 

[littleoc]

I saw this thread and thought this might be a place for me to start. Sorry if it's not.

You can say anything you need to. :hug:

But, I recommend starting your own thread so you can get the support you need/deserve. There’s a section in these forums all about death, and people have been through what you have and can help you.

I’m glad you found a place where you feel comfortable speaking up, though. That sounds incredibly painful.

 

[Abstract]

So sorry you had to deal with all that @littleoc and really impressed with your progress and new clarity! :) You are very brave.

 

[Freida]

He just wants to be friends now, but he didn’t earn it.

wow! such huge, huge growth for you!!!