I Feel Like My Therapist Failed Me

[Deleted member 27125]

I've been working with my therapist for several years and I don't feel like I'm getting any better. I have periods of severe depression and suicidal urges and lately it's the worst it's ever been. I called my therapist last week and said that I wasn't sure if I would be coming to my appointment later that week because I was suicidal and didn't think I would be able to make it past the weekend. This was kind of a cry for help. The day before my scheduled appointment his receptionist left a message and said that he couldn't meet with me at that time anymore because he had to stand in for someone at a meeting; she offered me a couple other times but I couldn't make them because I have to have someone drive me there. I have paranoia about calling the receptionists' desk (different story...) so I didn't call back to leave a message, so the regular appointment day rolled by. I thought my therapist would call to at least check in on me after he cancelled my appointment, especially because I'm actively suicidal. Yesterday I called my therapist and left a message basically as a last way of reaching out, and he called back and left a message when I was in the shower. His message was really nonchalant, and didn't address anything having to do with my suicide plan; he mainly was trying to explain why he cancelled my appointment (having that meeting) and if I wanted to talk about that more I could call him back and we could talk about it that evening. I called back and left a message taking him up on that and asked if he could call me back. He never called back. It's today and he still hasn't called back. I feel very hurt and I feel like he failed me. Isn't a therapist supposed to follow a protocol for this? I think I might need to go to the psych hospital but I'm too scared. I just wish he would have helped me after having known him so long. It really hurts.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Isn't a therapist supposed to follow a protocol for this?

Mine does; 911 or actively admits you into the hospital.

When you call any Doctor, generally, there is this recording that says something to the affect of 'this isnt an emergency service and if you need emergency attnetion call 911' (something like that).

I actually dont have my therapist's number and mine sees patients back to back but its the same pretty much for all therapists.

If you have suicidal ideations then that needs to be worked through in session. If you feel so suicidal that you dont think you will make it then its hospital time.

 

[joeylittle]

@allison789 - how often have you and your therapist discussed suicidal ideation in the past, and do you have a safety contract?

 

[Deleted member 27125]

I've had suicidal ideation for many years off and on, and we've talked about it in sessions over the years. He knows I have a strong aversion to calling 911 and that I very likely couldn't do it myself esp when paranoid. He usually is willing to talk to me outside of session and also he sees me for free (as an exception to the rule I guess). I don't expect him to call me back typically, but I thought he would at least try to get a hold of me due to having suicide plans. We don't have a safety contract, what is that?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

We don't have a safety contract, what is that?

You should, like next session! I too am very suicidal and found it VERY helpful!

http://www.suicide.org/no-suicide-contracts.html

Basically its what you agree on that you will try before suicide and what you will do in terms of emergency..basically (or thats what mine is).

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I guess I should expand on that. He made a copy and he has one and i have one. And we didnt have one it was mentioned on here.

It has a shit ton of things we agreed to distract and self soothe, times in which to get immediate emergency care, how to know when i can distract or when i need to go stright to the emerency plan, and could have his number on it but he doesnt give that out.

Though I think of suicide daily, I have yet to go to a hospital but i also cant speak when suicidal so wouldnt be able to call 911 or a crisis line so i have these saved like everywhere:

Chat crisis line: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/gethelp/lifelinechat.aspx

And text crisis Link Removed

And they are both on my suicide contract.

Im super happy i mentioned it to him as now i have like this long list of stuff i can do and well it sort of helps to have almost a manual of what to do when suicidal type of thing

 

[joeylittle]

I'd recommend that you get a safety contract between the two of you; @lostforgottensoul did a good job of explaining what it is. And, until then, I would try and compartmentalize the feelings you are having about how he's let you down, until the next session where you can address them openly.

Are you in danger right now, do you think? Can you manage yourself until next session, or do you need more immediate help?

 

[Deleted member 27125]

I'm not sure that I want to go back for my next appointment. I feel like I'm not making progress anyway and after what happened I feel betrayed. In the past several times he has promised to call and didn't follow through and he's also cancelled appointments because of changes to his schedule...I'm not sure if he does this with other clients or if he feels like it's okay because he's seeing me for free.
I guess we kind of have a 'contract' in terms of what things I try when I'm feeling bad... I do those and call him as a last resort if those things don't help. Which is what I've been doing lately - making a real effort to feel better and doing things on that list (exercise, distraction, self soothe, etc), though nothing has been working and so I don't see the point anymore. A part of me is concerned that I'm going to go through with it and that part wants to get immediate help, but overall I'm in a dissociative state and I don't care anymore. I feel paralyzed at calling 911 and I know that experience will be traumatizing and a financial burden, also that it will go on my record. I'm unemployed and worry that employers won't hire me for having been in a psych ward. I'm on my husband's insurance and I have no idea what would be covered. I was in the psych ward 8 years ago and it was horrifying, the nurses laughed at my self harm scars and there were no doctors in sight, it was a demeaning and horrible experience. I don't really know what to do. Maybe I will just try to do nothing.

 

[joeylittle]

Is this the therapist you were doing exposure therapy with?

Regardless - if they are treating you, it doesn't matter whether or not you are paying; you are entitled to a standard of care. That being said, it sounds like you have been questioning whether this therapist is still engaged in your treatment or not. I think that would be a good conversation to have in your next session, even if it ends up being a final session, where you and he wrap things up. Right now, you are trying to get the therapist to prove that they care about you in some round-about ways. It's understandable, because actually talking about the relationship with the therapist can be more scary. But, openly talking about it will be better than trying to interpret his actions as having some meaning. There are many reasons why he might not have called you back - the most obvious one being, something happened and he didn't get the message.

Instead of calling 911, you could call a crisis line, or you could keep doing what you can on your own to manage your distress. But I'd really suggest going back to therapy, at least one last time, to talk with the therapist about what happened, and at least get some closure for yourself, and maybe some referrals.

 

[Deleted member 27125]

That sounds like a good idea, thanks. I will try my best.