Dissociating At Work

[Ink]

Around the middle of my shift today, I started feeling off, like almost off balance, almost dizzy. Like I couldn't quite see my body in space like normal. As I was finishing work tonight, I had a sudden feeling of no longer being real, like I was no longer human. Not even really there. I got into my car after clocking out and decided to use one of my coping mechanisms, singing along to my favorite Broadway songs and acting whatever part in singing. But this time, it was like I could really be that person. Like I was no longer acting, that their feelings were my feelings and I no longer really existed. I didn't have any of my own thoughts beyond wtf is happening. I was just blank. I'm still feeing blank. Like I don't have the normal monologue, connection of thoughts. They are just gone. Mind blank. When my partner greeted me when I got home, I stopped feeling like I could be another person. But I still feel blank. I still feel not quite here. I feel like I could just sit here staring for however long and never realize.

I do dissociate. And there are a lot of moments when things feel unreal. But I have never had this experience before and it's rather scary. Has anyone else experienced this? I'm going to my T tomorrow, but I'm just kinda scared right now.

 

[joeylittle]

Depersonalization.

It's a type of dissociation, and you are describing a fairly classic experience of it. I get this a fair amount. That 'blank' feeling is indeed super-strange. But I wouldn't be too too worried, especially not if you started 'coming back' a bit when you got home. You'll want to talk with your therapist about grounding techniques for dissociation and panic in general, and it takes a fair amount of experimenting to figure out what works best for you.

For myself, depersonalization goes away fastest when I can either get my mind engaged on something fairly involved - like a crossword puzzle (a tough one), or some complicated knitting. I also am helped by tactile things - washing dishes happens to be a really good mindfulness practice for me, so I'll often find some dishes to wash. I've been known to just put clean dishes in the sink and wash them.

You're under a fair amount of stress right now (I've gathered from your other posts), and just getting back into therapy sounds like it was stressful, too. It's not uncommon for symptoms to flare when you are starting to think about opening the Pandora's box of whatever needs sorting in your mind/past/etc.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Yup, it's depersonalization, a form of dissocation. Nothing to worry about.

You're probably feeling extra stressed and just need a bit of a break.

Ben

 

[Ink]

Depersonalization.

It's a type of dissociation, and you are describing a fairly classic experienc...

Thank you for the reassurance. I really appreciate it. The not knowing where my body is in space is a part of it too? Cause that happened first. And if I know that is gonna happen first, I can start trying to ground myself then before the rest of it happens. My T did give me some grounding exercises. Naming things and colors. Deep breathing. Describing something I'm holding--that's just not normally what happens when I dissociate. Once I realized what was happening while I was singing, I just kind of went with it because it was really intriguing as someone who has been involved in theatre. It was fun--if bizarre.

I was actually washing dishes right before it happened. I guess I was also thrown off so much by it because it was a really chill night. We weren't busy. I made money. I didn't forget anything and I wasn't working with anyone who made me uncomfortable. Normally I can pinpoint things. Or I at least feel the weight of everything.

I have been getting overwhelmed with the thought of going on vacation with my partner's family. And this was my 7th day working in a row. 3 more and then vacation. But I wasn't really thinking about any of that tonight. I wasn't feeling overwhelmed.

 

[joeylittle]

I guess I was also thrown off so much by it because it was a really chill night. We weren't busy. I made money. I didn't forget anything and I wasn't working with anyone who made me uncomfortable. Normally I can pinpoint things. Or I at least feel the weight of everything.

Sometimes, it's when you relax - and then, it's like the mind unclenches a bit and suddenly, without you being aware of it, you drift away. For me, it's similar to how it's really easy to get sick after finishing a huge project - your body knows how to push, and then as soon as it has permission to relax, it's going to crash a little. Yeah, that out-of-body thing is absolutely depersonalization. If you ever feel like you stay totally solid, but the world around you gets very very strange? That's derealization.

 

[Ink]

Sometimes, it's when you relax - and then, it's like the mind unclenches a bit and suddenly, without...

That makes sense. The everything hitting you when you relax thing. Most of the time I experience derealization or not really being in the moment but still maintaining my self. Not being there but in a different way I guess. More of a zone out than feeling like I'm not there.

 

[hodge]

My new therapist taught me a pretty helpful technique to help with the dizziness and disorientation: It's called alternate nostril breathing,. So if my description doesn't make sense, you can Goggle it.

Stand up and breathe normally. Close one nostril with your finger and breathe in through the other nostril. Then close the other nostril and breathe out through that nostril. Then breathe in from that same nostril and take a step forward. Close the nostril you just breathed in from and breathe out through the other nostril, and take another step forward. Then repeat as needed. It's kind of hard to explain. I hope this helps. My therapist assured me there's really no wrong way to do it. The point is to get both sides of the brain working together with your breathing and body movements.

I know it sounds kind of weird, but it really helped my dizziness when I went to see her two weeks ago. I've used it since and it's pretty amazing. She says a lot of current thought among trauma therapists is toward these kinds of activities that get both sides of the brain working together. That it seems more helpful than talk therapy (which she believes just retraumatizes us) to help to reset our traumatized brains. Even if you don't buy into the theory, this technique does help with dizziness, depersonalization, etc. I hope it helps :hug:s

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Most of the time I experience derealization or not really being in the moment but still maintaining my self. Not being there but in a different way I guess. More of a zone out than feeling like I'm not there.

Derealization is another form of dissocation. You will know when you're in derealization mode when the world seems strange; you are solid but everything and everyone else seems far away - perhaps even small, sort of like you're looking through the wrong end of a telescope.

alternate nostril breathing

I haven't tried the alternate nostril breathing that Hodge mentioned, but it seems worth trying. Not only does it attempt to engage both sides of the brain, but the level of concentration required to perform this activity would, in and of itself, make it a great grounding technique.

Ben

 

[Ink]

My new therapist taught me a pretty helpful technique to help with the dizziness and disorientation: It's c...

That's one I hadn't heard of. I will try that. Thank you.