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- Post starter Snowflake
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scout86
VIP Member
It makes sense, but isn't it possible to BOTH know what an ideal mother would be like and what your mother was like? Both things can be true, you don't have to pick just one, do you?
digger
Sponsor
Ignored or forgotten by who?
@Snowflake I don't know if this is relative to you or not, I am having brain scramble today, but I thought I would write it, discard it if it isn't helpful.
I lost my mom when I was a senior in hs, 18 years old. For almost 20 years I wondered if I missed my mom, or the idea of a mom. (she was a good mother, as much as she could be). Until I started dating my s/o again and became a part of his family. I went through a surgery where his mom was so amazing with me, I realized I was missing both of those ideas, and didn't have to settle on just missing her, or the idea of her. I could miss both, and love and accept both aspects I was living with
If that makes any sense?
Edited: I think what I am saying is you can remember how your real mom was like, and still dream/think of the ideal mom
I lost my mom when I was a senior in hs, 18 years old. For almost 20 years I wondered if I missed my mom, or the idea of a mom. (she was a good mother, as much as she could be). Until I started dating my s/o again and became a part of his family. I went through a surgery where his mom was so amazing with me, I realized I was missing both of those ideas, and didn't have to settle on just missing her, or the idea of her. I could miss both, and love and accept both aspects I was living with
If that makes any sense?
Edited: I think what I am saying is you can remember how your real mom was like, and still dream/think of the ideal mom
Last edited:
desiderata310
VIP Member
I have to admit that I think I would be irate at the thought of this exercise.
A. no one is "ideal" or "perfect"
B. it insinuates that there's some sort of rewriting of history in the works.
Maybe I'm not far enough along to see all ends to this so take what I say with a grain of salt.
Definitely something to address with you therapist
A. no one is "ideal" or "perfect"
B. it insinuates that there's some sort of rewriting of history in the works.
Maybe I'm not far enough along to see all ends to this so take what I say with a grain of salt.
Definitely something to address with you therapist
PTSDisweird
Bronze Member
I replied at your ideal mom post and I said some sad things about my ideal mom too.
Now listen, lets say you have a car that it is not even close to your dream car. And there is your dream car aka ideal car. Thinking about your ideal car, doesnt make you forget your present car. It can go the other way around though. With time MAYBE you will like more your present car, and your ideal car will tend to be like your present one. Which is a good outcome whatsoever.
Did you get it? :)
Edit: omg reading it...so many times i used the word "car". Its tiring i know, sorry, but its a good point lol
joeylittle
Sponsor
I think there are two steps to this exercise. In identifying what your 'ideal' parenting would have looked like, you are identifying the actions/qualities that you value, that were withheld from you.
Then, the next step is to understand how you might still be searching for those things in your current life, and to find ways to give them to yourself.
If I had one wish for my mother, one thing that was missing - it was that I believe she was afraid of me. I wish she would have been able to invest in me and not be afraid to get involved. Now, that's never going to change. The past is the past. But, even now, I walk through life with an assumption that I'm difficult, and I'm alone with my problems because of it.
So, part of the work I need to do is change that core belief - the thought that says, 'I'm a problem and I can't be fixed'. The way to dismantle that is through a few different angles. It's in processing the past, but also, in seeing how I can treat myself differently. Something that became a coping mechanism of mine was to flat-out never engage with my own inner struggles. In a way, I became afraid of myself, just like she was afraid of me.
Now, I can try and engage with myself, instead of avoiding or ignoring or stuffing those things down.
In Gestalt therapy, it's called 're-parenting'. I don't like the term, or the classic way it's used in that technique. But, as a looser concept, I do understand it. I think it's not as applicable for people who develop different and more complex issues with their family of origin in their adult lives. But, for people who had their parenting dynamic pretty much set up at childhood, and it never really changed as they transitioned into adulthood, this exercise can be very useful.
It doesn't have to do with re-writing history, only with identifying early wants and needs that weren't met, so you can work on addressing how to have them met in your present life. And it doesn't erase what your childhood was or who that parent was. If nothing else, you can learn some empathy for yourself from identifying what you weren't supported with, back then (if that makes sense).
Then, the next step is to understand how you might still be searching for those things in your current life, and to find ways to give them to yourself.
If I had one wish for my mother, one thing that was missing - it was that I believe she was afraid of me. I wish she would have been able to invest in me and not be afraid to get involved. Now, that's never going to change. The past is the past. But, even now, I walk through life with an assumption that I'm difficult, and I'm alone with my problems because of it.
So, part of the work I need to do is change that core belief - the thought that says, 'I'm a problem and I can't be fixed'. The way to dismantle that is through a few different angles. It's in processing the past, but also, in seeing how I can treat myself differently. Something that became a coping mechanism of mine was to flat-out never engage with my own inner struggles. In a way, I became afraid of myself, just like she was afraid of me.
Now, I can try and engage with myself, instead of avoiding or ignoring or stuffing those things down.
In Gestalt therapy, it's called 're-parenting'. I don't like the term, or the classic way it's used in that technique. But, as a looser concept, I do understand it. I think it's not as applicable for people who develop different and more complex issues with their family of origin in their adult lives. But, for people who had their parenting dynamic pretty much set up at childhood, and it never really changed as they transitioned into adulthood, this exercise can be very useful.
It doesn't have to do with re-writing history, only with identifying early wants and needs that weren't met, so you can work on addressing how to have them met in your present life. And it doesn't erase what your childhood was or who that parent was. If nothing else, you can learn some empathy for yourself from identifying what you weren't supported with, back then (if that makes sense).
- Post starter
- #8
No I don't have to pick one-I think it's more of a imaginary want to think about when we discuss my true mom. I just, rather my inner child doesn't want what was true to be ignored.
- Post starter
- #9
I don't want to "not" focus on the truth . But my therapist said this is like a starting point to think of what I wanted. She even asked if I had a name or what she looked like -I don't.
- Post starter
- #10
Wow! Makes sense
- Post starter
- #11
I smiled with your post. I love the analogy.
- Post starter
- #12
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