When Your Abuser-parent Is Near The Throws Of Death

[Deleted member 12723]

@shimmerz Well said, I never saw it in that light before.

 

[Recovery4Me]

the haunting thoughts of yet another attempt to eat away at our souls.

(((hugs))) The soul - such an significant component (for many) concerning an authentic spiritual approach to existence.

My Mom will no doubt, leave an letter to be delivered in trust. At that time, I imagine I might open a thread again (or not) to deal with my emotions, if I can self-regulate enough to do so.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Do you have anyone that you really trust to read the letter first to determine if it is a good letter or a bad one. My husband used to read letters from my aunt first and there were some that got tossed unread?

 

[Recovery4Me]

@gizmo Although it was common in our past generations of family members (or such) trying to protect others, now it is considered 'enmeshing'.

"Enmeshment is a concept introduced by Salvador Minuchin to describe families where personal boundaries are diffused, sub-systems undifferentiated, and over-concern for others leads to a loss of autonomous development." https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enmeshment

Being of codependency from ingrained survival patterns (parents with alcoholism) : it is important that I face that aspect for my own development as well as final seperation.

However, I thank you for with your thoughtful suggestion because now I have a plan! I will dutifully read (her future letter- if it arrives) in my T's session. I will talk to him concerning this within our next scheduled visit- in two weeks.

Also, I would be in the medical facility where if it was necessary, an script could be written and obtained. :tup: Wow, thanks for the mental bump out of feeling stuck. Xx

 

[BrokenWingsMyLife]

The day before my abuser A.K.A sperm donor passed I confronted him. He was under Hospice care and was just laying there. I told him I did not forgive him but I might in due time. And that he would have to take the abuse to his grave and it was up to his maker where he would go. I also told him how disgusted, shaming, fearful, unloved, unworthy, etc. That he made me feel. I knew he wasn't going to hurt me and I needed that closure. I sat at his beside for the next 18 hours watching him die. Confronting him helped pave the way for my healing.
I honestly do not know where I found the strength to confront him but I am so glad I did.
Now Confronting my egg donor now that's a constant fight because she won't take any responsibility for her actions and tells everyone I'm off the "deep end" again. Yeah Mommy Dearest guess what I'm normal just dealing with crap you and him dealt to me.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@BrokenWingsMyLife Welcome to the board!

Glad you found the courage to share your voice among this thread. You were very brave at hospice as well as here today. (((hugs))) if you accept

 

[Recovery4Me]

I wanted to thank each and everyone of you for walking with me during this part of the journey. I have learned a great deal and am generally more prepared to handle her death when the time comes.

Unfortunately... my Sister that I have - "No Contact" with- used my Son to deliver an somewhat embellished story. Although it is true that my Mom does have only one kidney now working at 36%, she is/was not in Hospice nor did the doctors give her only a few days or weeks to live. I am carefully avoiding any hard language, lest my karma bites me in the arsh.

So...I truly needed your assistance as I fully believed the yarn as the truth. However, I need to apologize for my panic that ensued and your borrowed time on the thread. In the past, I have placed myself at risk to satisfy my family. So I thank you for allowing me thoughts which slowed down action-impulses, offering myself a little dignity within a good headspace for self care. The ploy was foiled and now I will just pray for her to live as long as she possibly can in comfort and within peace.

Thank you again...

 

[lostforgottensoul]

However, I need to apologize for my panic that ensued and your borrowed time on the thread.

No need to appologize, regardless, you were in distress and needed support and we gave support. :hug:

ETA: If that was your sister that advised you (1st, 2nd, or 3rd hand) or whomever advised you she was in hospice and dying is an asshole! I know how that feels and that is an asshole thing to do and if that had happen when my mom was in hospice care, as much as it torn up my life, id likely go and hit the person lol.

Sorry that happened!! :hug:

 

[Recovery4Me]

@lostforgottensoul :hug::laugh:

Thanks for the laughter concerning my Sis.

 

[Freedomfighter]

@shimmerz Goodness do I love your heart, mind and spirit. We are one within you...

My inner peace is not passive acceptance: it's the triumphant afterglow from defeating toxicity.~

That is a great statement and it describes me well. I have inner peace, but at times the destructive properties of my abusive father interfere with that. It is also worse because I hold him responsible for my mother's endless suffering and death. This person that describes himself as a man and father (what a joke) spent his entire life about running to doctors and being coddled by as many women as possible, but yet he was so selfish and self absorbed that he did not help my mom with her health. She is dead and he the abuser is alive. That is still such a shock, and now I found out that this B...... is attempting to diffuse his abuse of me as a little child as something of a little incident that I as a toddler welcomed. Can you imagine that? A grown person that sexually abuses you as a toddler, that attempts to label the child as a participant? How sick is that?

That person that thinks he is my father will never hear from me again.

 

[Recovery4Me]

@Freedomfighter My heart goes out to you for so many reasons. I am glad you added your voice to the thread.

But most of all, I find it a strong note, sung within your feisty comebacks (concerning your Dad's denial and attempt to diffuse). Because for me, my anger helped to move me forward- from that of victim mentality to that of survivor. :hug: You sound like one strong survivor to me as well!:tup:

 

[VioletButterfly]

@Recovery4Me - Well, I've "liked" my way through 3 pages of your thread. I think everyone has offered wonderful insights and suggestions for those who find themselves in your former and latter shoes. I'm sorry you are having to deal with a problematic sibling and parent. I relate to almost all that you have written and a good deal of what others have responded with, in growing up with an abusive mother for whom I am now serving as POA 24-7 - Yes, the real-time meanings of duty, enmeshment, and grief loom hugely in my life each day; however, that is not why I'm responding.

You asked for prayers of intercession in your first post and that is what I would still offer to you even though your situation has changed a bit. I will pray that you find peace within yourself despite all that may be coming at you right now in terms of family dynamics and manipulation. I will also pray for blessings of goodness and thanksgiving for you. Take care. - VB