DID D i d safety question

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I have dissociative identity disorder and have had several scary experience where I dissociate into another part and don't remember what I was doing. It's usually related to things like artwork, journaling, or self-harm. The self-harm bothers me the most, but I have been dealing with it and accepting it and working with parts on other strategies. The reason I have been able to deal with it is because I have always known how they did whatever act of self-harm it was later.

Yesterday was different. My husband has all of my medications locked up/hidden away. He gives me what I need for the day while he is at work. Yesterday I ended up not feeling right and went to the ER. I spoke to the crisis worker and she asked if I remembered taking anything and I said no, but explained my concerns. It wasn't until I was being discharged that I learned that I did have elevated levels of Tylenol (something I do not have access to in any form). However, I used to take vicodin and they still had that on their list and assumed I just took a lot over a few days to elevate my level. I haven't taken it in a month and don't have access to it either. I even called the crisis worker back to explain that and everyone was like "it's fine. It's not a toxic level. Your body will take care of it." and I was like "That's fine, but I don't have access to Tylenol so why's it there, this is worrying me." They discharged me and sent me on my way (which is better than having to stay in most ways), however, now I am scared because I really can't trust myself. If a part took Tylenol, then that part either stashed Vicodin when we had access to it or bought some without my knowing it.

I have safety contracts in place, I have journaled with this part. My husband controls my meds. I don't really know what else I can do to ensure safety. I should also state that I don't have good warning signs that this part is coming out. Anyone have any suggestions on how I can safeguard myself from myself?

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I am sorry that I don't have any suggestions, unless you leave her notes, and leave them where your "other" would see them and "accept" some "direction", like what you would want her to do. Dance like crazy, or exercise like crazy, (enough to get you tired or breathing differently)
I can't imagine what it must be like, not to know everything you do. My suggestions probably doesn't make sense at all.

I mainly want to tell you that I am sorry that you have to deal with something so scary! I TRULY would be afraid also.

I really wish I had a real suggestion for you...
I am glad that your husband is supportive!

Blessings of peace and comfort being sent your way!

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@AngelkeeperJ/AKJ , thank you for responding. Support and empathy are great. With one of my other parts who used to cut a lot, I left her notes where the bandages were and asked her to write instead. Eventually, through therapy we learned she liked to sing and cold rocks/washcloths on her skin because when the feelings are intense, she is super hot. When I left notes, it helped and then I got to know her warning signs. I'm not sure where to put notes, but that's not a bad idea.

 

[Friday]

As much as possible without thinking about it (aka first things that comes to mind, thinking is fine, just try not to overthink / there is no wrong answer).

- Top 5 places to hide medication?
- Top 5 silly places to hide medication?
- Top 5 stupid places to hide medication?
- Top 5 clever places to hide medication?
- Medication I want cold I would put in these 5 places?
- Medication I want hot I would put in these 5 places?
- Owee go bye bye meds belong in the...?
- What question did I forget to ask?

 

[pixel]

@JEKBreatheandBelieve

It sounds like you need the assistance of an Inner Self Helper.

Have you got one?

If you're currently in therapy, this should be given top priority.
The benefit of the ISH, is they can be the gate-keeper, by controlling who fronts, and when.

They also engage in internal communication, and can talk to parts that you cannot communicate with.

 

[Ronin]

& Qs that come to mind:

- What do you do when you take meds?
- What do you do with meds when scared?
- What do you do with meds when in a rush?
- Who absolutely can't find out about meds?

Wondering who's the part scared of with the hiding of medication, or memories of it, whichever ties to the topic.
& If taking that fear out and dealing with it might not be more grounding in the present time.

 

[Powder]

I've read that meds are symbolic of "feeding" and the mothering or nursing/care we didn't receive.

It sounds to be assumed that this other part was trying to harm, but that might not be the whole truth. I know that as a child I gave my sister too much of the yummy grape medicine that I loved to receive from my mom. After the abusive mom harmed, and then gave meds, it seemed to reassure that part of me that she wouldn't try to harm me again. So meds became a form of self-soothing which I played out with my sister, (who I thought needed it more than me, since she got the worst of the harm during the trauma, which I have only recently remembered).

I now see why I "played the meds" game with my sister to re-enact our mother's dosing us with meds after she got us sick with the trauma. It was to try to establish a sense of safety and to access and process (integrate) our collective amnesic trauma memory.

My sister is still not able to access the memory, but has inklings of the trauma she's talked about. We both have dissociation issues.

If you can get in touch with that memory then that part's motives will make more sense.

Remember, in all cases, parts are trying their best to help and make life better. Even if this part of you is doing something your adult self in charge interprets as "wrong" it may not be to that part, and she won't share her ideas with you if you are hostile.

I recommend you work by accepting this part is seeking self-soothing or safety for some reason and offer to find ways to cooperate that is mutually agreeable. Have her talk to a T or husband or someone she trusts.

Do you have a Therapist who works with your parts?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@Friday , so those are questions I should ask myself? Including the last one? Or are you asking what you forgot to as that would help me? I like that you put in the no overthinking, no wrong answers. I think I shall try these this afternoon- answering those questions. I didn't see this post until today.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

To answer some questions several of you have asked here's some answers. Yes, I am in therapy. Yes, my therapist works with me and yes, she works with parts and helping me to work with parts. I don't want to get into too much detail because that gets confusing for me, but let's just say there seems to be a core group and then some branches off. The part that is currently self-harming lives intentionally separated from the rest of us and yes there are a few that can communicate with her or sense her. Those that can communicate with her are not going to be helpful. The ones that can sense her cannot stop her, but they can alert someone of something going wrong. I agree that in general parts are seeking what is going to be helpful. For her, really as she has stated in the journal, she really does want to die. Would she like help? Yes, but she is not allowed help and there in lies the circular walls that my therapist and I just keep coming up against.

@Ronin , the part is hiding medication so she can take it to overdose. If it weren't hidden, she wouldn't have access to it as we do not have access to medication for this exact reason- taking too much. It's me and other parts and my husband she's hiding it from because if we knew where it was we would take it away for safety reasons. There are routines and schedules for regular prescribed medications that work well for my system overall.

 

[Ronin]

Yes, but she is not allowed help

She's 'not allowed' help in the forms you have tried, which brings me to a question:

What form of help she -would- be allowed to get?

What does she believe death will be like? (Not even getting into the 'actual dying is different' and all questions, I'm merely asking if she's asked herself that, because it may be less what she wants about death and more what she believes about dying, about it being better, about it being a different state that's very much worth wishing for... tackling on the ideation around that 'death place' may be more useful than plain out dissuading her from it right now, provided she's still not having the control to get y'all gone.)

 

[Friday]

The last question is a bit of a skeleton key, a lock pick. Because any question can be so close to getting the right answer, or they can all be off in left field, when the right question? Would unlock everything. So when I'm asking myself questions? I ask myself that one, last.

<grin> & Yep! Questions to ask yourself. A little bit of a 'finding' exercise. Not just finding meds, but finding things you know, but don't think about, or others know. :)

 

[Powder]

I'm sorry this is happening to you and that I don't have any experience with this. I know that for me staying stable and actually getting off meds helps me to not feel dissociated. I might be dissociating still, but less so, and I and my husband don't see it happening as much the safer and more routine life is and with no alcohol or meds.