A
ags1
I am 55 years old. I've had mental health problems through my life, including depression, anxiety, and some incidents of psychosis. I am diagnosed with autism.
I have been noticing lately how I recoil from ordinary activities out of fear of causing anger. I won't touch most items in the fridge for example, or I fear if I do something like make the bed it will cause a fight. My partner by the way may be a bit irritable but is not a monster. If my partner does get angry about something, I can't speak, and will probably get away and self harm.
I think other people have impulses that pop into their head like "let's bake a cake" but I don't have that at all. I feel like a puppet with the strings cut. I can't envision the future, and struggle with memory and executive functioning (like struggling to get dressed due to stress).
I grew up with an alcoholic distant dad, and my mom was in and out of hospital with psychosis and suicide attempts. I was strongly discouraged from expressing any emotions (don't upset mom) or from socializing with other kids. I was constantly told normal activities were too dangerous for me to do.
I wonder if I have CPTSD. I don't have the money at the moment for diagnosis or treatment. I am reluctant to think of myself as a trauma survivor, having seen the real horrors other people have gone through. And survivor feels wrong, I feel more like a ghost.
I have been noticing lately how I recoil from ordinary activities out of fear of causing anger. I won't touch most items in the fridge for example, or I fear if I do something like make the bed it will cause a fight. My partner by the way may be a bit irritable but is not a monster. If my partner does get angry about something, I can't speak, and will probably get away and self harm.
I think other people have impulses that pop into their head like "let's bake a cake" but I don't have that at all. I feel like a puppet with the strings cut. I can't envision the future, and struggle with memory and executive functioning (like struggling to get dressed due to stress).
I grew up with an alcoholic distant dad, and my mom was in and out of hospital with psychosis and suicide attempts. I was strongly discouraged from expressing any emotions (don't upset mom) or from socializing with other kids. I was constantly told normal activities were too dangerous for me to do.
I wonder if I have CPTSD. I don't have the money at the moment for diagnosis or treatment. I am reluctant to think of myself as a trauma survivor, having seen the real horrors other people have gone through. And survivor feels wrong, I feel more like a ghost.