Undiagnosed Questioning potential diagnosis

[ags1]

I am 55 years old. I've had mental health problems through my life, including depression, anxiety, and some incidents of psychosis. I am diagnosed with autism.

I have been noticing lately how I recoil from ordinary activities out of fear of causing anger. I won't touch most items in the fridge for example, or I fear if I do something like make the bed it will cause a fight. My partner by the way may be a bit irritable but is not a monster. If my partner does get angry about something, I can't speak, and will probably get away and self harm.

I think other people have impulses that pop into their head like "let's bake a cake" but I don't have that at all. I feel like a puppet with the strings cut. I can't envision the future, and struggle with memory and executive functioning (like struggling to get dressed due to stress).

I grew up with an alcoholic distant dad, and my mom was in and out of hospital with psychosis and suicide attempts. I was strongly discouraged from expressing any emotions (don't upset mom) or from socializing with other kids. I was constantly told normal activities were too dangerous for me to do.

I wonder if I have CPTSD. I don't have the money at the moment for diagnosis or treatment. I am reluctant to think of myself as a trauma survivor, having seen the real horrors other people have gone through. And survivor feels wrong, I feel more like a ghost.

 

[Riley Jones]

Thank you for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to open up about your struggles, and I want to acknowledge the bravery it takes to do so. It sounds like you've endured quite a bit, and your experiences growing up certainly could have been impactful in shaping how you feel and navigate the world today.

Though I cannot diagnose, the feelings and experiences you're describing—such as recoiling from ordinary activities out of fear, difficulty envisioning the future, and challenges with memory and executive functioning—can be common among those who have experienced trauma, particularly in childhood. What you're experiencing is real and valid, even if it doesn't fit into a particular label.

The sense of being unable to label yourself as a "survivor" is something many people struggle with, especially when it feels like their experiences don't compare to others' traumas. But pain is not a competition, and your feelings are important and deserve to be acknowledged.

I encourage you to consider joining a community like myptsd.com, where you can connect with others who understand what you're feeling. They offer various forums where you can find support and share experiences, and you may find it comforting to know you are not alone. Additionally, seeking out any available community support or low-cost mental health resources can be a step forward if you're able and willing.

Please remember that you deserve compassion and understanding, both from others and, most importantly, from yourself. You are not a ghost; you are here, expressing your pain, and looking for a way forward. That in itself is a brave and vital act.

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum:)

I wonder if I have CPTSD. I don't have the money at the moment for diagnosis or treatment.

Sounds like there’s a few potentials, which isn’t surprising given the overlap between ptsd, depression and anxiety. Struggling with anxious thoughts, for example, is common with all 3.

There’s also plenty of options to make progress on the impact that those symptoms have on your lived experience. For example, self-guided CBT would potentially help work through some of those dysfunctional thought patterns (there’s some good apps for that), and increasing things like daily exercise and engagement with community (behavioural activation) would also like help all 3.

 

[Anita]

Thank you for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to open up about your struggles, and I want to acknowledge the bravery it takes to do so. It sounds like you've endured quite a bit, and your experiences growing up certainly could have been impactful in shaping how you feel and navigate the world today.

Though I cannot diagnose, the feelings and experiences you're describing—such as recoiling from ordinary activities out of fear, difficulty envisioning the future, and challenges with memory and executive functioning—can be common among those who have experienced trauma, particularly in childhood. What you're experiencing is real and valid, even if it doesn't fit into a particular label.

The sense of being unable to label yourself as a "survivor" is something many people struggle with, especially when it feels like their experiences don't compare to others' traumas. But pain is not a competition, and your feelings are important and deserve to be acknowledged.

I encourage you to consider joining a community like myptsd.com, where you can connect with others who understand what you're feeling. They offer various forums where you can find support and share experiences, and you may find it comforting to know you are not alone. Additionally, seeking out any available community support or low-cost mental health resources can be a step forward if you're able and willing.

Please remember that you deserve compassion and understanding, both from others and, most importantly, from yourself. You are not a ghost; you are here, expressing your pain, and looking for a way forward. That in itself is a brave and vital act.

Hi Riley Anita here, did you know bipolar and cptsd can overlap? feeling I have multiple challenges cause I have some thing happening from all another diagnosis.
I feel things going on inside but the psychiatrist doesn’t see it or anyone else.

 

[deno]

Your words really hit me, especially the part about feeling like a puppet with the strings cut. That image holds so much truth. I’m sorry you’re carrying so much and still trying to find your way forward through it all.

I just want to say...what you described is trauma. You don’t have to compare your pain to anyone else’s. Trauma isn’t a contest...it’s about how overwhelming events, especially in childhood, shape our ability to feel safe, connect, and live freely in our skin. And what you’re describing—fear of conflict, shutdowns, difficulty initiating actions or seeing a future, stress with executive functioning—it all echoes so closely with how many people experience Complex PTSD.

Calling yourself a survivor can feel wrong when you feel like a ghost. I’ve felt that way too. But the fact that you’re here, putting words to this, reaching out...it is surviving...and hopefully one day living. You’re not alone here. No diagnosis is needed to be understood.

 

[Dark.Green.Feathers]

being autistic and having childhood trauma often goes hand in hand. very often kids are chronically misunderstood and punished for genuine questions/statements/actions or being overwhelmed and in genuine distress, as if done with malice or “bad” intent to one-up or “manipulate” or “control” parents or those around them
Being suddenly unexpectedly yelled at/hit/punished in other ways when you are innocently going about your life, or are extremely distressed is very frightening as a child especially when you are not believed or allowed or able to explain yourself against the intent pinned on you.

Could it have caused CPTSD, maybe, maybe not but it’s still worth exploring and giving needed attention to potential traumas which affect you today and how. lack of PTSD does not imply lack of trauma or adverse things happening to you. I don’t have CPTSD from my similar experiences to these as a child but I still get intense anxiety and/or am tearful around certain situations and interactions, and like you am impacted in how i cope with and navigate them. it is still real and impacting me today.

PTSD is not about wether or not you have distress or trauma, it’s more so the way in which that manifests and affects you compared to the general traumatised population.


id really advocate for you to try and look at your childhood with compassion and some curiosity regardless of diagnosis. Being taught that your emotions are wrong and growing up without nurturing parents (and in a violent/aggressive/cold environment) Will affect anyone. And having a parent in and out of hospital throughout childhood is not a nothing thing either.

i really relate to your experiences of losing ability to care for yourself, for everyone stress impacts self care but with autism it’s often the line between being able to meet your basic needs and not. Since getting a handle on certain issues im a lot less constantly stressed, therefore a lot more able in general. Not that i don't get completely thrown off and set back to “just try and survive” depending on how I am and what’s going on externally. but the baseline is better.
hygeine and eating are the first thing to go when im doing bad, too stressed or routine disrupted, etc. executive function is always a lot harder with depression in tow.

 

[arfie]

hello ag. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here but glad you are here.

i started my recovery from child sex trafficking 1972, about 25 years before ptsd became an accepted diagnosis and about 30 years before that newly christened dx began forming treatment plans. i believe that if i had waited for a proper diagnosis and proper treatment plan, i would have fulfilled one of the prophecies projected by the profilers of the day. they predicted i wouldn't see my 30th birthday. i am 70 today. the pioneering professionals who helped me through those decades of "improper" recovery focused on symptoms more than labels. as a recovering child prostitute, i already had an over-supply of labels to contend with.

i was nearly ready to graduate to therapy maintenance when the ptsd dx became available at the turn of the millennium. i was a shoe-in for the dx, but the still-forming treatment plans felt kind of pointless at my stage of recovery. it feels kinda good to have a socially accepted/understood name for ^it^, but i still wonder about the wisdom of focusing on labels more than symptoms.

for what it's worth
alanon has been a cornerstone of my recovery and remains a vital part of my therapy maintenance. we wonder often if the 12 step family is the largest collective of undiagnosed ptsd patients in the world.

dunno if any of that has anything to do with your case, or not. just sharing in hopes of welcoming you aboard.