UnKnown-Self
Diamond Member
I saw a similarily titled thread and it reminded me of my current situation.
My husband of 4 years passed away 5/4/15. It was unexpected and devastating.
Regardless of anything else he taught me what it was like to feel loved and respected. I had never known before and it changed me for the better.
I will keep this short as possible.
He left no will for his estate which is four properties that he had neglected due to depression that set in once he retired. He has four grown children.
I initially took on the administration of the estate in July of 15. In August of 15 I broke and went into a PHP program.
Instead of getting better, I got worse. When I broke, it opened Pandora's Box of crazy. I started having panic attacks and voices forgotten returned along with a whole assembly of not so much newbies, just until that point unmet. Memory Keepers and Protectors of Secrets.
This time around instead of rejecting them as I had a couple decades ago, I interacted with them and validated them. The center I was attending everyday encouraged mindfulness, self validation, grounding techniques, emotion regulation and many other great tools that made it possible for me to take that step.
One fly in the ointment. My time in the program was up and I was moving to individual therapy.
Did I say one fly? Another was no one was prepared to handle a patient who spoke of "selves" especially when they are (to my current knowledge) co-existing and there is no show of any complete time losing, so no distinct completely different personality popped out to my now new therapist.
Not being believed is one of the biggest button pushing insults one can toss at a survivor.
In the meantime I come to realize I can not handle the administration of the estate, I can't even return to work. I did after being out for six months.
Lots of shitstorms flashing inside and outside if anyone interacted with me.
The oldest daughter says she will take over. Gets all my documents and after 3 months tells me she changed her mind but refuses to give me back the paperwork.
I get an attorney. I am unhinged most of the time. He talks to the daughter and as life has it basically works against me. I do not have the time, money or energy to get someone else.
He asks for documentation regarding my PTSD. I get it from the person I go to each month for my prescriptions. Turns out she is not a psychiatrist but and upper level nurse. Who knew?
In the meantime I get a draft of what the attorney intends to submit to the court.
It said I self diagnosed myself with PTSD.
Trigger anyone?
I showed my doc/nurse and she made a call to a psychiatrist on staff and made me an appointment.
He wrote a very good letter which I fax to the attorney.
An email was waiting for me when I got home from the attorney. He wanted to know why I ever took on the administrative duties since I had PTSD.
So I emailed him, educating the asshole on PTSD, my background, how hard I worked. How that hard work paid off and when someone with PTSD has a good ten year run, they tend to forget they ever had it, considering it is a mental disorder of denial, exacerbated by the fact from the time I could remember I was taught to keep quiet and no one would ever believe me. The last part had been proven time and time again. The very fact that I had to write the email proved my point and I said so.
I hate having PTSD. I hate no one believes me including myself at times. I hate that when I mentioned that I had parts who were reaching out to me, instead of seeing it as an amazing break through and a sign of self trust that could lead to some real advances in my ability to manage. I was seen as someone who was trying to get more time off work and trying to manipulate the system. I tried to explain it to some friends but it just scared them away.
I did not mention my parts to the attorney or to anyone now. Not because I am ashamed or in self denial. I don't mention them to protect and respect them. Someone will have to prove themselves capable and worthy before I make myself that vulnerable again.
My husband of 4 years passed away 5/4/15. It was unexpected and devastating.
Regardless of anything else he taught me what it was like to feel loved and respected. I had never known before and it changed me for the better.
I will keep this short as possible.
He left no will for his estate which is four properties that he had neglected due to depression that set in once he retired. He has four grown children.
I initially took on the administration of the estate in July of 15. In August of 15 I broke and went into a PHP program.
Instead of getting better, I got worse. When I broke, it opened Pandora's Box of crazy. I started having panic attacks and voices forgotten returned along with a whole assembly of not so much newbies, just until that point unmet. Memory Keepers and Protectors of Secrets.
This time around instead of rejecting them as I had a couple decades ago, I interacted with them and validated them. The center I was attending everyday encouraged mindfulness, self validation, grounding techniques, emotion regulation and many other great tools that made it possible for me to take that step.
One fly in the ointment. My time in the program was up and I was moving to individual therapy.
Did I say one fly? Another was no one was prepared to handle a patient who spoke of "selves" especially when they are (to my current knowledge) co-existing and there is no show of any complete time losing, so no distinct completely different personality popped out to my now new therapist.
Not being believed is one of the biggest button pushing insults one can toss at a survivor.
In the meantime I come to realize I can not handle the administration of the estate, I can't even return to work. I did after being out for six months.
Lots of shitstorms flashing inside and outside if anyone interacted with me.
The oldest daughter says she will take over. Gets all my documents and after 3 months tells me she changed her mind but refuses to give me back the paperwork.
I get an attorney. I am unhinged most of the time. He talks to the daughter and as life has it basically works against me. I do not have the time, money or energy to get someone else.
He asks for documentation regarding my PTSD. I get it from the person I go to each month for my prescriptions. Turns out she is not a psychiatrist but and upper level nurse. Who knew?
In the meantime I get a draft of what the attorney intends to submit to the court.
It said I self diagnosed myself with PTSD.
Trigger anyone?
I showed my doc/nurse and she made a call to a psychiatrist on staff and made me an appointment.
He wrote a very good letter which I fax to the attorney.
An email was waiting for me when I got home from the attorney. He wanted to know why I ever took on the administrative duties since I had PTSD.
So I emailed him, educating the asshole on PTSD, my background, how hard I worked. How that hard work paid off and when someone with PTSD has a good ten year run, they tend to forget they ever had it, considering it is a mental disorder of denial, exacerbated by the fact from the time I could remember I was taught to keep quiet and no one would ever believe me. The last part had been proven time and time again. The very fact that I had to write the email proved my point and I said so.
I hate having PTSD. I hate no one believes me including myself at times. I hate that when I mentioned that I had parts who were reaching out to me, instead of seeing it as an amazing break through and a sign of self trust that could lead to some real advances in my ability to manage. I was seen as someone who was trying to get more time off work and trying to manipulate the system. I tried to explain it to some friends but it just scared them away.
I did not mention my parts to the attorney or to anyone now. Not because I am ashamed or in self denial. I don't mention them to protect and respect them. Someone will have to prove themselves capable and worthy before I make myself that vulnerable again.
