Bipolar Flow? bipolar? tripping out?

[Sideways]

8 yrs ago when I started the mental health merrigoround, I got diagnosed with Bipolar II. The diagnosis fell by the wayside, replaced with DID. I hear Bipolar is a common early misdiagnosis for people with DID, so for a while, I've been convinced that actually I have no idea what Bipolar, or hypermania/mania would be like.

Mostly, I spend my time on the depressed side of the scale. Not all of my parts have depression, but most of the time that's my life. And I get the whole lethargy, lack of motivation and concentration- everything is that much harder, and that much less worthwhile.

But I've noticed this weird "state" that I seem to have, where I feel pretty grounded and not dissociative, and it's like I'm wired. Like my brain is wired, and functioning like 10 times more efficiently.

I think clearly - I know what tasks I need to get done, and I can do them, usually several simultaneously. And once I have the task in my brain, I don't need to think about it. My limbs just flow doing multiple things super-efficiently all at once, and my brain has already moved on to thinking about something else. And I think with this amazing clarity about everything. Not like everything's exciting, but anything seems possible, and I feel like my Logic Centre has totally upsized.

Emotions? Calm, but energized. Not happy, not sad. Just, efficient.

Hard to explain. It only seems to last a few hours to a day.

I don't drink or take anything unprescribed. My meds have been stable for over a year.

Is this mania? Is this just feeling normal? Functioning normal? Or is it something else? The way my hands and feet all work moving so efficiently while multitaksing on totally different things, with no energy, no emotional drag. It's beyond what I think a normal healthy energy level would be able to sustain, and certainly I couldn't maintain the mental clarity and speed...

Could any bipolar people share if this sounds familiar? Or DIDers, is this a trippy derealisation? Or is it some weird mild psychosis? Everything seems to happen so fluidly - like my brain and body all just went into hyperdrive, but without any energy required?

No common external triggers I've noticed. Seems to happen randomly...????

 

[Friday]

Calm. Clarity. Energetic. Emotionally neutral. Efficient. >>> Reads to me as normalcy.

***

ETA. @Ragdoll Circus

Not Bipolar or DID. I am however, ADHD. Which is sister-disorders with Bipolar Disorder. Our highs aren't as high. Our lows aren't as low. And a few other key differences. But since we're talking mania, ADHD doesn't go that high. We can come close to the lower end of a mania, but we don't tip into it / and our highs can be brought to midline fairly easily (aka it can be hard, but can be done without medication / while manias cannot be, to oversimplify a smidge). What you described above? Isn't even in that range of close to a mania, but IS a very accurate description of midline. Aka normal.

 

[Sideways]

@Friday - I made an awkward laugh when I read that, then thought, I think she's serious...

I don't think it could be normal. It's like, everything flows. Everything, and every thought, just happens. Easily. Efficiently. Multiple things all at once. Like some universal force has just made everything work so perfectly all at once.

There's no way a person could sustain it. It doesn't feel like I'm using energy when it happens, but it must be, because I'm so many dozens of times more effective at everything.

Normal? Like, average Joe off the street could function that way for a sustained period? Surely not...:tdown:

 

[Friday]

Possibly TMI : A rough sketch


___________________________________ Psychosis

___________________________________ Mania (Bipolar)

(Anxiety range in this area, overlapping others)

___________________________________ ADHD Upper Range
___________________________________ Up / Hypomanic (Cyclothymic)


----------------------------------------------------------- Normal

___________________________________ Down / Cyclothymic
___________________________________ ADHD Lower Range

___________________________________ Depressed

___________________________________ Suicidally Depressed

___________________________________ Severely Depressed (Bipolar)


Because I'm all über-visual :p

Spoiler: Description of the above

If you drew wavy lines up and down through these levels? You'd have the normal range for the disorders listed. Neurotypical people rarely burst out of or drop past the first set of lines. They have their ups and downs, which can and does feel huge to them, because that's their range. Plunging into a depression is a radical departure, but is probably the most common. Cyclothymic, meanwhile is a lot like "Bipolar Lite". It's very very rare. But it's an *awesome* counterpoint for describing disorders with a mood component. ;) Because most people? Never get there, or only get to that level a few times in their lives with weddings/funerals types of *huge* events. ADHD folk are there often on a several times daily basis. Bipolar people *rocket* past. No amount of emotional monitoring and regulation and prevent those astronomic highs & lows. It's very, very, chemical... And entirely out of their control.

You may notice Depression gets 3 lines. People who are depressed can fall *anywhere* in that spectrum. And one of the real challenges with depression is that suicidality? Isn't at the bottom of it. People who are severely depressed are usually too depressed to kill themselves. It would take too much effort. It's only when they're on the downward slop towards severely depressed and -frustratingly- on the upward climb that they still have enough energy to off themselves. (Also one of the dangers of antidepressants. People need to be brought up past that line... Fast. But most antidepressants work slowly.) One of the problems with chronic depression & MDD is that people get used to "depressed" as being their up. They're STILL depressed. It's just so much better than when they were suicidal or severely depressed, that, realistically it. just. feels. better. But there's a whole world of better / normal on top of that! :D It's a challenge of depression.

My comorbid disorder comes along with BIG emotions. High Highs & Low Lows. But nowhere near the level of bipolar Mania & Depression. (I've been manic / tipped into psychosis, and I've been severely depressed, but it's not my daily life.)

- PTSD? That motherf*cking roller coaster can eat that entire range for breakfast. :wtf: Grrrr. Show up anywhere on the map, then dash off anywhere else, linger, get stuck, smash about. >.< It's frustrating. Snort. And then it can swallow the damn map, and hello NUMB. Dammit. Only to puke out the roller coaster, and awaaaaaaay we go. Pisses me off. Stupid f*cking emotions. (Sorry. Venting a bit.) Mines mostly been lurking in Depression-Land this go-round. But part of why PTSD gets misdiagnosed as bipolar fairly frequently is that those are the 2 disorders that really have a similar *extreme* range.

- Anxiety? Like depression it also has a fairly wide range (And I'm not drawing those lines because it would get too confusing). Unlike depression/suicide, Panic is at the upper range of it, instead of in the middle. But aside from that, essentially add anxiety as the twin to depression, but "Up".

 

[Friday]

There's no way a person could sustain it. It doesn't feel like I'm using energy when it happens, but it must be, because I'm so many dozens of times more effective at everything.

Normal? Like, average Joe off the street could function that way for a sustained period? Surely not

Yup.

That's what not fighting depression or anxiety and all the rest feels like.

There's still ups & downs. Emotionally neutral turns into excited :D or mad :mad: or sad :cry:. Nothing goes right, or your on the top of the world. But, in general, yeah. That's "just" what it feels like to not have to be spending massive amounts of energy fighting depression &/or anxiety. Effortless.

If I'm understanding what you're describing, correctly.

 

[Sideways]

That's what not fighting depression or anxiety and all the rest feels like.

I'm going to have to sleep on that concept, because I'm really struggling to get my head around the concept...this is how people just are? Wtf?:confused:

 

[Sideways]

And the lines - been showed that before. Should've paid more attention. Committing that to memory like, pronto!

 

[Gs172003]

That's what not fighting depression or anxiety and all the rest feels like.

Does that happen? Lol

 

[Ronin]

I don't think it could be normal. It's like, everything flows. Everything, and every thought, just happens. Easily. Efficiently. Multiple things all at once. Like some universal force has just made everything work so perfectly all at once.

Eastern thought: A lifetime goal, in about all the traditions I've had that pleasure studying / living by.

Also the same thing: Normal & desirable & to attain.

What precisely of that feeling makes you feel so unsettled with it? Perhaps it's the unease around it that can help sorting what & why's of it, than the state itself?

 

[Abstract]

Ragdoll, for me the main reassuring word you used was calm. If you were experiencing hypomania or mania you wouldn't be feeling calm.

Have you looked at hyperfocus? A little dissociated in some way?

I agree with what Friday said about sometimes thinking we are fine and yet its just a lessening of depression or anxiety symptoms. I am constantly being surprised as think I'm fine as I am better than I was and then improve again and realised just how sh*tty I was still feeling before!

 

[scout86]

Normal? Like, average Joe off the street could function that way for a sustained period? Surely not.

I'm going to suggest that you seem like you're smarter than 'average', so some stuff might come a bit easier for you than the average Joe off the street. But I think that state you're experiencing sounds like a good place to live.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

This happens to me. My work-self is so efficient that past therapists have asked me if I'm manic, and actually people that don't even know if I'm in therapy have asked me if I have mania. I can get SO MUCH done. And it is like my brain is on fire, throwing information back and forth at lightning speed.

I've also worried about bipolar, but now I wonder if it isn't just a dissociative state, because I also lose all concept of physical pain in this state (no tiredness, no pain - and I usually run a certain amount of chronic pain-, no hunger). I also feel really calm and centered, but I think that is actually because my emotions are turned off completely.

Not sure if that helps at all. I, too, wish I could stay in this part forever. So much more comfortable than any of my other ways of being.