What Bad Shit Have You Done - Daily, As it Comes To You, Your Past, Lets Be Honest

[Ironlady]

If it helps, I don't know a parent that wouldn't done that some day. It's how often & why you do it and how you react after that matters in my view.

When I did it last time it was because they were supposed to be cleaning up a mess they made in their room and instead got to arguing about it amongst themselves.. after several attempts to try to reason I just lost it... I think I went in flashback because I felt like I was 7 and seeing everyone making a mess as I was desperately trying to clean it up...f*cking reacted by screamed like a banshee on the top of of my lungs... got caught up in the whirlwind instead of stepping outside of it. Still happens on occasion but I tend to remove myself from the situation now before it gets to that point.

And the dealing with life thing.. probably need to insert some self compassion there... because in the head I was sick... and I think since it seems like people don't get that I have to create situations that translate what I'm feeling in a way where they will respond.. so a coping mechanism of sorts. Just don't like lying about it though. Makes me feel bad.

 

[Gs172003]

Too much to list.

I have apologized for all of it.

Currently?

I get angry if the day doesn't go my way as in I feel it's been wasted. It goes along with my "i don't know if I have tomorrow" thing.
Since that has improved I look for the rest to improve too.

 

[Ronin]

When I did it last time it was because they were supposed to be cleaning up a mess they made in their room and instead got to arguing about it amongst themselves.. after several attempts to try to reason I just lost it..

Ahh, so normal kids behavior + normal parent behavior (being tired with normal kids behavior) + it hitting closer to home (because you have PTSD & were triggered during) - don't beat yourself up over it Ironlady, I'm not seeing any warning signs in whole that situation, just a very long day in a rather normal family life. :tup::hug:

 

[Ironlady]

any warning signs in whole that situation, just a very long day in a rather

Thank you @Ronin.. I just.. I don't want to be my dad.. so anytime I experience something that may resemble his behavior I automatically go into Black/White thinking and self judgement. Thank you for reminding me that being a good enough parent means sometimes you just loose your shit. ;)

 

[Silver.]

@Ironlady
sometimes you just ask, and ask, and ask and when it still isn't done, it's like flip- freak out because of the PTSD
I would think it was odd if you never had to speak up to them...

"my child always listens" said no parent ever
"omg I sound like my mom" me, pretty much every day lol
(so now we have made a game of it where I purposely try to remember the things my mom said to tell her for entertainment :P)
:hug:

 

[Ironlady]

Lol. Thank you for this. ;)

 

[UnKnown-Self]

@Ironlady
Raising children, being a parent is difficult.
Someone could have an ideal upbringing and still lose their shit with their kids.
I know you're probably thinking, "not like I do" and I won't sugar coat it. You are probably right.
Kids trigger. Big Time and it is no one's fault. You know what you lived and never experiencing healthy parenting you don't know any different. That is not the same as not knowing any better, hence the guilt and shame afterwards. The catch, you might not know what the "better" is. You only know you don't want to see the look of fear on your children's faces.
I have been in your shoes. I swore I would stop the cycle. I didn't. I can look back now and see where I would go crazy, and that crazy even when not directed at my kids, still happened in front of them. In the middle of a full blown PTSD trigger we are not ourselves. We are children trying to fight back or we are our abusers.

I don't know what resources are in your area but if you could find parenting classes it might help.

Know that talking about it and owning it helps. That is healthy. I doubt you feel an enjoyable rush of power and it is clear you know it's not your kids fault. That is the light. Don't beat yourself up too much. You really are doing the best you can with the tools you have.

Compassionate hugs if accepted.

Alice

 

[UnKnown-Self]

And of course I'm posting this anonymously because I'm so ashamed

Have you considered reporting that site to the police, Google, any and all that can shut it down?

It might help you feel a little better.

 

[EveHarrington]

I've been watching porn...sometimes... Which people say isn't a bad thing..maybe?

However when I tap...

Please don't beat yourself up. I know it's hard not to though.

 

[Ironlady]

@Ironlady
Raising children, being a parent is difficult.
Someone could...

I'm working with my T on it.. it has improved much but if I'm in emotional flashback I'm not fully aware.. the good thing is my husbands business is run here at home so I've been very good as of late to learn to recognize when my stress cup is about to overflow and either A. Ask him to intervene or B. Ask my MIL to come help.. I am working on responding instead of reacting... They are great kids and well mannered yet push and test boundaries without being terrified of me.. come to me with problems for us to try to work out.. so I think I'm doing ok.. but I constantly worry how bad my reactions and episodes are going to screw them up. always room for improvement but also grace.. Parenting classes are a good idea and I really appreciate your suggestion'! Thank you and hugs back! :)

 

[UnKnown-Self]

@Ironlady

The difference between responding and reacting is all in the Pause.
It amazes me how quickly so many different perspectives can be considered in a pause. It's a good game changer.
It can even give you time to walk away.

I have not doubt you are doing okay Ironlady. Your children know they are loved. That's real progress :hug:

 

[Ironlady]

@Ironlady

The difference between responding and reacting is all in the...

Thank you dear. And truth! :hug: